easy peezy mother effing breezy

I read a genius article today online. The 8 Easiest Jobs on the Planet. and it's official. Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem. You see. I don't actually work for any of these companies that have these easy planet jobs. But I qualify (and in some cases, am probably overly qualified) for these jobs.

So now the question that must be asked is: WHEN IS MY SHIP GONNA COME IN?!

8 Easiest Jobs on the Planet (and why I should be considered)

1. Professional Sleeper. Contrary to the picture above, I can actually be quite cute when I sleep. You know, in those rare moments when I'm not drooling, or sleeping in the suite of a professional sporting event, or heaven forbid, hugging my Meredith pillow (speaking of which, it had it's first washing the other day! Tracie said when was the last time you washed this? I said "how old am i?" she gagged and put it in the washer machine). I am already a professional layer. I love laying around. I can imagine laying is only a stepping stone to sleeping. Now that is some excellent career growth if you ask me.

2. Chocolate Eater. Remember my post from yesterday about eating like a 7th grader? I left out the basket of chocolate I sneak a snack out of at least 143 times a day. We get free candy around here. And that is one benefit I am not going to pass up. They switch it out every quarter. I love second quarter because we get Reese Cups.

3. Cute Pet Aggregator. Umm, have you not seen Barbara? And before there was she, I know you knew there was he. (he being Pete.) And like I don't have ugly friends, it's not like I know how to pick out an ugly pet. And, I know how to be aggravated, so I'm pretty sure I can take a cue from all the people that aggravate me and use it on my cute pets thereby making me VERY qualified to be a cute pet aggregator.

4. Mansion Sitter. I already told you I love to lay and love to sleep. And it's not like I'm interested in doing either of those things in a shanty. I wonder if I could rake in twice the dough by sleeping in a mansion? Like killing two birds with one stone?

5. TV Watcher. Ok. This is getting ridiculous. I may be 2000 and late, but now that I have DVR, I've been dvr'ing the shit out of things. I seriously could watch tv for an entire month I think. Plus, Sixteen and Pregnant and Teen Mom are about to come back on. Hello lettuce!

6. Professional Know it All. Umm, I think we all know I've got this one IN.THE.BAG. I know it all about everything already. I know how you should live your life and how your friends should do things differently. My cousin called me a Boss it all once because not only am I bossy, but I am a know it all too. I bet that makes me overly qualified. Dammit.

7. Spa critic. This really should say Everything Critic. I love giving a critique. Especially when it results in a gift card or coupon for my troubles. Not my fault your lobster roll skimped me on the lobster. Or your masseuse gave me a bear hug instead of a body rub.

8. Resort Consultant. Ooo i love consulting. It goes along with being a professional boss it all. I can consult with you on basically everything in your life. But if you have a resort we can do it at? Even better. And much more relaxing for me since I already know your life is going to stress me out.

Bob Green's Best Life Diet says you should identify why you eat the things you do. I identified that stress causes me to eat fries. He then says you should remove that from your life. So, really, I should quit my job so I won't eat fries. I've really been thinking about how I could this. If I quit my job, I won't eat fries but I also won't be able to afford eating fries. Or salads for that matter. And I'm not about to eat bark for a living.

The good news is, thanks to this article, I can feel confident in quitting my job. Based on this, I can get paid just for being ME!!! And my mama did always tell me to just be myself after all.

thought for the day.

my horoscope says today i should brush up against some unsuspecting hottie because i may end up in a major makeout sesh right then and there.

well alrighty then.

TWIST MY ARM.

why is your mood ring ALWAYS black?

this is the meredith college class ring. there is a lot of tradition around it. YOU KNOW. you don't get it until you're a junior. it's a big offense (and an expensive one) to wear prior to ring dinner. There's a whole turning your ring portion of graduation. i mean, this ring is a big deal. and just to add to the tradition, I have my mom's ring. Yes, my mom went to Meredith. yes, my name is Meredith. Yes, I had a roommate named Meredith. yes we were both synchronized swimmers. But that is neither here nor there. It's important to note that I wear my Meredith ring every day. Usually I sleep in it. It's that big of a deal.

Now. I think we all know that every now and then I wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Hard to really imagine, but trust. it is possible. and it does happen from time to time. When I decided to move back in with my parents a few years ago, one of my coworkers asked me if this meant my mom was going to make me breakfast every morning before I came to work. I said "why would she do that? I AM an adult ya know." He said "Your mood ring is always black. I was just thinking maybe you eating breakfast before coming to work might be good for everyone around here." I was offended. Not that he would insult my disposition but that he would mistake my Meredith ring for a MOOD ring!

Aren't mood rings in the shapes of moons and stars and don't they cost like 5.99 at Claire's (as opposed to five HUNDY at Jostens)? And do mood rings REALLY tell you the truth about your mood?

And then.

One of my sales reps called me and asked me what color my mood ring was because he didn't want to talk to me if it was black. He didn't even know about my ring!

But apparently, what he DOES know about are my moods.

Isn't it ironic.

thought for the day.

it's been said that i eat like a 7th grade boy. i guess there really is no disputing that since last night alone, I walked to chubby's tacos where I INHALED a giant burrito. then I found myself at Cookout at MIDNIGHT last night. On a Monday night. What am I? A college boy now?

Someone is going to pay for this. I'm not entirely sure but I just have a feeling that someone, somewhere is going to wish I didn't have the diet of a college boy.

most beautiful girl in the world.

Srsly.

this is what a case of the mondays looks like.

Thought for the day.

I think hungry howies may put roofies in their pizza. I crashed for 3 hours after lunch. Only other time I've crashed like that was after acupuncture. Or drinking.

you shut your mouth when you're writing to me

today at lunch with my team, we were discussing my love of posting on the company email forum (i think forum works here) and how you shouldn't get me started on chick fil a or parking lot issues. My boss said it generally goes like this: someone sends an email that is inevitably going to start a discussion thread, you hear me laugh (because i am the funniest person i know), my boss says "uh oh" and then the next thing you know, I've joined into the discussion, usually with a rebuttal to the original poster's concern. (and yes, i have been accused publicly of not only drinking, but guzzling hateraid. hilarious!) None of my current team mates worked with me during my previous stint with the company, and because I didn't want them to truly miss out, I shared with them about the day I got scolded for sending approximately 64 emails quoting Napoleon Dynamite. So then another co-worker who was joining us for lunch reminded me of the time i got blasted on the interwebs for sending a cease and desist letter. i had forgotten about it. Re-reading it makes me laugh. I still remember getting an email directly to my inbox from a colleague asking if I was aware of the open source frenzy I had started (and flaming I was receiving). And because I don't want any of you missing out, I am sharing it below. all i know is - thank GOD for google!! (note: if you don't already google yourself, you should. it can be scary. but also really funny. especially when a picture of you from your first prom that you sent to your boyfriend in oklahoma (what?) pops up).

original letter posted here

frenzy found here

and if you still want more entertainment, just google my name and "cease and desist." it's a good break from the work day for sure. and you might even learn something about trademark law!