the other night at dinner, I asked the server if I could have my check.
he returned with a shot of jack.
I said check. he heard jack.
but since i didn't feel like P. Diddy and wasn't in a position to brush my teeth at the moment, I gave the shot away.
besides. even though beer does make me turn up my nose, i really do enjoy sipping champagne. and wine. and smelling roses.
(ps. if you don't know which songs I am referring to, then we probably aren't friends. just sayin').
The Monday Fundays: because whoever told you chicken biscuits were bad for you lied
Thursday, September 22, 2011
thought (s) for the day.
1. someone may blog about their life, but that does not mean you know them.
2. someone may choose to blog about their life but that doesn't mean the only things they hold dear are the things they post on their blog.
3. there is usually more to a person than what you read about on their blog.
4. while blogging opens someone up for criticism, it does not mean it is a fair tool to judge by (and that is coming from a judger)
5. people take things too seriously. and people really know how to hurt other people's feelings.
2. someone may choose to blog about their life but that doesn't mean the only things they hold dear are the things they post on their blog.
3. there is usually more to a person than what you read about on their blog.
4. while blogging opens someone up for criticism, it does not mean it is a fair tool to judge by (and that is coming from a judger)
5. people take things too seriously. and people really know how to hurt other people's feelings.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
a kiss with a fist is better than none.
Landon: I might kiss you.Jamie: I might be bad at it.
Landon: That's not possible.
A Walk To Remember might be my hands down all time fave movie (yes. more than encino man. But unlike encino man, i am insecure about listing this in my Top 5). I mean, I get chill bumps every time I watch this movie. To begin with, the first kiss scene (not pictured) is so sweet. and b. a part of me secretly hopes each time she isn't going to die. I have an old boyfriend who says this movie is the reason why I feel I should have a relationship like the movies. But, like the Avett Brothers say, real life is more than just two hours long (thereby making my old boyfriend's statement false).
However, I will say that it is entirely possible to be bad at kissing. You see, I know good kissing and I know bad kissing. A kissing pro (slut) you might call me. I think it's fair to say I've been around the block when it comes to kissing (sorry mom. But I feel like you already know this about your most precious daughter). I mean, I really enjoy kissing. That first kiss is one of my most favorite parts about dating strangers (though I prefer repeat kisses to first kisses because let's face it, that means they are doing something right). And who doesn't love a good ole' fashioned makeout sesh on the couch or in the backseat of a car? I got schooled in the art that is kissing at the back of the school bus when Jackie whatever her name was taught Zach how to kiss. I was just a watcher at that point but you can bet I took notes. So did he apparently as I learned several years later. Hell-o! I guess you could say it was this school bus classroom that started my career as a kiss consultant. I can tell you the names of the people I have shared the following rules with and the places where I shared them (the glory in keeping your old diary):
1. it would be so romantic if you would just kiss me while i'm in the middle of saying something
2. kiss me like you mean it, dammit!
3. if you kiss me with your eyes open, then it means you're a cheater!
4. stop playing hot potato with my tongue.
5. I'm pretty sure my mom knows you are not training to be a dentist, especially since no dentist inspects their patients' teeth like that! gross!
Alright, first off, kiss me like you mean it, dammit? I was like 16 at this point in my life. Exactly what did I know about kissing like I meant it? How else are you supposed to mean a kiss? I've kissed lots of people I didn't mean to, but I can promise you I have never let them believe it was an accident. And what the eff is hot potato with my tongue? Additionally, I'd like to add that I have had a lot of suitors be happy to kiss me when I'm in the middle of saying something and it only just now occurred to me that it might be because they just want me to shut the hell up. But I digress.
But, like all good consultants experience, I had someone challenge me just this week on my kissing expertise. An old beau txted me (out of the freakin' blue mind you) and let me know that after all these years, he had finally overcome his complex and was a good kisser. Of course, I had no idea what he was talking about. When I inquired, I found out that during our courtship, I gave him a 45 minute lecture (me lecture? no!) on the art of kissing. He informed me that along with my 7 point kissing plan, I "seriously laid out different ways to turn your head and stuff." When I informed him of how this made me laugh, he responded with, "I'm glad it amuses someone. I was confused and terrified that night on your porch." Now first off, why would anyone in their right mind listen to someone yak on and on about kissing? I sure as hell wouldn't. And secondly, I cannot stop laughing at the thought of this poor high school kid being so nervous about kissing me. But, it explains a lot. As a matter of fact, after he got done informing me of what a b I was to date in high school (true story), I told him that while I do not remember this so called kissing list, I do remember what a bad kisser he was. But I must say, I'm so glad to know my tutelage has paid off. Think of all the bad kissers out there I have helped! This fella here is living proof of the fruits of my labor!
And to all you people boys out there who still get sweaty palms over kissing? It's time to pony up and remember what Thomas Carlyle said:
If you are ever in doubt as to whether or not you should kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt.
I know I for one prefer the giving the benefit of the doubt, and I'm not even into kissing women.
The Fiero—meaning "proud" in Italian and "wild", "fierce", or "ferocious" in Spanish
You want to know what's not fierce or ferocious? Me driving my very first car. A gold Pontiac Fiero. Oh sure, I was super fierce when I saw it and pitched a huge temper tantrum so my dad would buy it for me. But I was not fierce when I stalled out at every stop light. Or when I cried because I didn't want it anymore. And I can guarantee you this chump isn't fierce either. You know how I know? Because it's 2011. And he's driving a Fiero.
Monday, September 19, 2011
txts from the weekend
saturday morning, i woke up to find this text on my phone:
peek a booo!! hey turn the lights out
i checked my lights. there weren't on. panic set in. WHO WAS WATCHING ME? then it occurred to me that I didn't know the number this txt had come from. WHO HAD I GIVEN MY NUMBER TO? better yet - WHO KNEW WHERE I LIVED?? You know you watche too many Criminal Minds when...
and then I had a thought.
You KNOW this was a gay man sending this txt. And I love gay men. So I responded that the lights weren't on. I guess he figured out he didn't know me either because he didn't respond.
oye vey.
peek a booo!! hey turn the lights out
i checked my lights. there weren't on. panic set in. WHO WAS WATCHING ME? then it occurred to me that I didn't know the number this txt had come from. WHO HAD I GIVEN MY NUMBER TO? better yet - WHO KNEW WHERE I LIVED?? You know you watche too many Criminal Minds when...
and then I had a thought.
You KNOW this was a gay man sending this txt. And I love gay men. So I responded that the lights weren't on. I guess he figured out he didn't know me either because he didn't respond.
oye vey.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
truth thursday.
i hate skinny jeans on boys (the biebs included in this).
yeah. i said it. so what? i feel like you probably secretly agree with me. I mean, let's look at the facts. Skinny jeans aren't just like girl jeans. in most instances, they ARE girl jeans. I have lots of skinny minnie (girl) friends who wear skinnies and look great. I can't wear them. I'm not that skinny. So why would I date a guy who can wear skinny jeans? Girls like to feel tiny next to their man and how the hell am I supposed to feel tiny next to a guy who is wearing jeans skinnier than me? Boys have about as much business wearing skinny jeans as Kenny Chesney does wearing size 29 jeans. and that business is c-l-o-s-e-d. Besides, I know what a workout it is for me to put my jeans on sometimes so I can just imagine the tricks these boys must be having to perform in order to get those jeans halfway up their behonkeys. boys plie class, third door on the left.
Another thing, skinny jeans are like a denim wrestling singlet. I dated a guy in high school who was a wrestler. He loved his wrestling singlet. I think it made him feel really manly prancing around in that thing (wrestlers never seem to think they are too skinny but all us non wrestlers know the truth). It didn't make me feel anything less than completely awkwad. Seriously. Here is this guy prancing around in his wrestling singlet, leaving absolutely nothing to the imagination, and I'm supposed to get excited about it? I don't think so. Grow some chest hair and put on some clothes. You're embarrassing me in your lycra wrestling singlet, shaking all around like you got something to shake. Call me a late bloomer but forget leaving something to the imagination. I was just horrified at that point.
so please guys. take off your skinnies and put on your fatties. pair it with a nice sweater and some pennies and we'll be set. you'll look much more age appropriate and I have a sneaking suspicion that you'll feel better too. and isn't that the point here? to do what feels good?
yeah. i said it. so what? i feel like you probably secretly agree with me. I mean, let's look at the facts. Skinny jeans aren't just like girl jeans. in most instances, they ARE girl jeans. I have lots of skinny minnie (girl) friends who wear skinnies and look great. I can't wear them. I'm not that skinny. So why would I date a guy who can wear skinny jeans? Girls like to feel tiny next to their man and how the hell am I supposed to feel tiny next to a guy who is wearing jeans skinnier than me? Boys have about as much business wearing skinny jeans as Kenny Chesney does wearing size 29 jeans. and that business is c-l-o-s-e-d. Besides, I know what a workout it is for me to put my jeans on sometimes so I can just imagine the tricks these boys must be having to perform in order to get those jeans halfway up their behonkeys. boys plie class, third door on the left.
Another thing, skinny jeans are like a denim wrestling singlet. I dated a guy in high school who was a wrestler. He loved his wrestling singlet. I think it made him feel really manly prancing around in that thing (wrestlers never seem to think they are too skinny but all us non wrestlers know the truth). It didn't make me feel anything less than completely awkwad. Seriously. Here is this guy prancing around in his wrestling singlet, leaving absolutely nothing to the imagination, and I'm supposed to get excited about it? I don't think so. Grow some chest hair and put on some clothes. You're embarrassing me in your lycra wrestling singlet, shaking all around like you got something to shake. Call me a late bloomer but forget leaving something to the imagination. I was just horrified at that point.
so please guys. take off your skinnies and put on your fatties. pair it with a nice sweater and some pennies and we'll be set. you'll look much more age appropriate and I have a sneaking suspicion that you'll feel better too. and isn't that the point here? to do what feels good?
someone please call 911
Eli has apparently lost her credit card once again. And by lost I mean she's had it taken away by the authorities. And because of this, she has hit rock bottom. I almost hit the bottom of the floor tonight in the grocery store when Lee called to tell me about this. I honestly may not have ever laughed so hard in a grocery store before in.my.life (and if you know me, that's saying something. Because I'm the funniest person I know and the grocery store has lots for me to discuss with myself about).
Since losing your credit card is a big deal no matter how old you are, Eli called her big brother in the midst of her panic attack. Except, unlike most big brothers, I'm not sure ours is really the wisest choice to call. I mean for starters, he is like panic mcgee 99.9% of the time. if you call him more than once, which I often do since he is a call screener (multiple calling is my personal favorite way to make someone pick up the phone. it doesn't make anyone agitated at all), he will return your call with "um is everything ok? Because you're calling me non stop like you may be dead." Thanks for the concern, bro, but if I were dead I probably wouldn't be calling you. not first at least. But with today's technology, calling didn't make sense. So Eli facebooked Lee. In the middle of her crisis.
I would like to discuss the emergencies herein....right, my point exactly. There are none. Clearly my biggest concern is that the Cookout has a Mary E special and I didn't know about it. I mean, how often do I go to the Cookout and I don't even know they have a milkshake full of Eli whoopin' ass and taking names? Forget only ordering a corn dog at the drive thru. next time it's a corn dog and a mary e special. and if they don't have it? oh you can bet all hell is gonna break loose.
Since losing your credit card is a big deal no matter how old you are, Eli called her big brother in the midst of her panic attack. Except, unlike most big brothers, I'm not sure ours is really the wisest choice to call. I mean for starters, he is like panic mcgee 99.9% of the time. if you call him more than once, which I often do since he is a call screener (multiple calling is my personal favorite way to make someone pick up the phone. it doesn't make anyone agitated at all), he will return your call with "um is everything ok? Because you're calling me non stop like you may be dead." Thanks for the concern, bro, but if I were dead I probably wouldn't be calling you. not first at least. But with today's technology, calling didn't make sense. So Eli facebooked Lee. In the middle of her crisis.
what time is ur class over
LEE
i better have a milkshake at 6.
i want a Mary E special from cookout
they will know what that is
I would like to discuss the emergencies herein....right, my point exactly. There are none. Clearly my biggest concern is that the Cookout has a Mary E special and I didn't know about it. I mean, how often do I go to the Cookout and I don't even know they have a milkshake full of Eli whoopin' ass and taking names? Forget only ordering a corn dog at the drive thru. next time it's a corn dog and a mary e special. and if they don't have it? oh you can bet all hell is gonna break loose.
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