Christmas For Deeze

There are several things I consider necessities before my Christmas festivities can begin. These things go beyond my jingle bell necklaces, my UNC santa hat and my natural good cheer. These are things that are important and I feel would allow for any one of you to have an even more exceptional Christmas season.

a. Mistletoe. Who doesn’t love mistletoe?! It’s romantic in every form. Did you know the name Mistletoe was originally applied to a poisonous plant that causes gastrointestinal problems including stomach pain and diarrhea…but, you should not have fear because Mistletoe is seen as a representation of “divine male essence” (ie romance and fertility), thereby making it a necessity for all Christmas miracles. I really was speaking the truth when I hollered the other day at work that it really is a man’s world after all (and a small world at that but I won’t say anymore because this conversation could quickly get out of hand). Next time I’m standing under the mistletoe, when my Christmas miracle goes in for the kiss, I will be sure to say no thank you sir and warn him of the serious implications mistletoe could cause to his body, and mine.

b. Victorian Christmas Angels. I have a couple of these sweet treasures. I found them at a local discount shop a few years back and purchased one for me and one for mom. I was so excited to give my mom her Victorian Christmas Angel and all of my Christmas dreams were crushed when she said “that is ugly.” Since I don’t believe that Christmas has to be just the season of giving, I took it back. Christmas is the season of giving and taking, Indian style if need be. I now have two Victorian Christmas Angels that I set out every year. And I love them. They are delicate and satiny and have tiny hands and feet, just like me! And yes, they are ugly. But like a good mother, I love them anyway. Ugly or not.

c. Christmas Frog. Speaking of ugly…I know all you haters find my Christmas frog atrocious. My brother and I had a big ole fight the minute he found out I was storing this beauty in a box at his house (background is that when I moved back in with my parents, he stored a lot of things on my behalf at his house, including my Christmas Frog). I first laid eyes upon her the same time I discovered my Victorian Christmas Angels. I had to have her. I mean, I completely fell in love with her glass head, her velvet cloak. She is a bit wounded with a crack in her right brow, but she has a nice home now and frankly, it’s not Christmas to me without my Christmas frog. She is always the first decoration I put up, and the last I take down. She stands watch over my snow babies throughout the Christmas holiday. Pete hates her. Everyone hates her. But as Jason Mraz says, there is beauty in the ugly.

d. Lights. Lots and lots of tacky, tacky lights. Preferably colorful lights. Not for me, but for you. These are imperative to my Christmas season because what kind of person would I be if I didn’t drive around and laugh and poke fun at all the Christmas lights strewn about yards and houses. The only thing better than tacky Christmas lights is when they are accompanied by inflatable snow globes and Santa’s Elves. Secretly, my kid sister LOVES these things but thank the good Lord my parents refuse. She does have a Christmas train she likes to put out but this year it was a no go. I will pose this question about the train to you: what makes a Christmas train different from a regular train? Answer: lots and lots of tacky, colored lights. I know, I know. colored lights cajole memories from Christmases past for many. And while that is sweet and all, and I appreciate your memories, nothing says Christmas to me more than the Griswolds.

e. An awesome Christmas sweater. I have only been into seasonal sweaters for about 3 years now but man, I don’t know how I survived my Christmases past without one! These bad boys go for good money on the internet and I can see why. This one, that I call The Winner (for the many awards it has won) comes complete with a Christmas chicken, tassels and a fuzzy gold jingle bell. Don’t be mistaken – while The Winner appears to be cozy and smart, it is in fact, not a good idea to wear often. The fuzzy jingle bell causes a lot of pain as you take the sweater off over your head. It leaves behind remnants of itself in the form of a gash down your forehead for all the world to see. Over the years, I’ve become more accustomed to the weird stares and responses I get when I tell people why I have such an unsightly gash upon my head. This year I have a dilemma though. I have a new Christmas sweater that lights up. The Winner may need to rest its weary bell because my light up sweater is aching to be plugged in! (and yes, that is what she said).