Edward Showerhands

I love getting mail. Email, us postal mail, certified mail, returned mail, other people’s mail, you name it, if it is mail, I would like it in my mail box. Mail makes me feel good about myself, like someone has been thinking of me and thinks I am so awesome that they took the time out to write me a letter, sign their name on it, put it in an envelope, LICK the envelope, stamp it, and deliver it to the post master. All so I can get a little treat in my mail box. The other day, I received a thick, glossy envelope from a shampoo company telling me that I had been selected to receive a free sample of their shampoo, conditioner and deep conditioning treatment. Now, if you know me, you know that nothing excites me like a freebie. It’s a whole different level of sercy!

I opened my envelope and found three little packets of liquid love. Now, I have to admit, I was secretly disappointed. I am a marketer’s dream and I love nothing more than little bottles and baskets and packaging. What I had in front of me didn’t quite suit me, but, my hair was greasy and I was conveniently out of shampoo. Because I am a lover of immediate gratification, I skipped inside to wash my locks. I got out a fresh towel, adjusted the temp to perfect, put on my birthday suit and into the water I went. I reached down for the shampoo, only to realize I couldn’t open it. It was a rip top, like a McDonald’s Ketchup package (and I’m pretty positive I am a professional at those). The shampoo packet had two slits, so I tried each end and nothing. So I put it in my mouth and pulled. All that happened there is I almost broke my neck. I don’t even know what I would do if I had broken my neck…I would be nekkid, in a condo all alone with a greasy head. Once I regained my balance, and composure, I tried again. This time, I twisted the package (not sure why), put my foot on it to stabilize it against the force that was my pull, and I yanked. Hard and with zeal. And, nothing. Because I know three times is a charm, and clearly I wasn’t having a good day, I turned off the water, wrapped up in my fresh towel (unclean though I was) and stormed out to the kitchen to find my kitchen shears. I cut all THREE packets open so I would not face this dilemma again. Back into the shower I went, shampooed my head (and it smelled so good), and then considered my options for conditioner. I could use the regular shampoo or I could use the deep conditioner. And because I had just a few moments ago, cut the packages open with scissors, I knew I really could use either one. I decided upon the deep conditioner. I am a deep person after all. The directions say to work into a lather and leave for 3-5 minutes. I worked it into a lather all right, but then quickly rinsed because who has time for that. I sure don’t.

I think my hurr do looks great. I like the way the shampoo smells. They sent me a coupon, and there’s anything I love as much as a sercy, it’s a coupon. So, I’ll probably buy this line of product. But not if they don’t come in better bottles. I have to admit, my feelings were a bit hurt when I read I’d been selected to receive samples, but the samples ended up almost killing me. Whose idea was it anyway to put things like that in a glossy, slidey packet? (The word packet makes me laugh because when I was little, my brother got the word packet stuck in his head and said it as many times as he could for like 18 days straight. We have it on VHS somewhere, I’m sure.) So now I know these truths about packets: a) it is darn near impossible to open a ketchup packet after the first bite of fries or delicious cheeseburger and, b) it is likely to kill you in your birthday suit if you try to open a shampoo packet while in the shower. I suppose they should put a warning on there that suggests carrying your scissors to the tub with you. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that first, come to think of it. It’s not like I’ve never showered with scissors before.