Wednesday, October 20, 2010

30 By 30 (I'm almost 28 now)

Recently, one of my favorite blogs, The Frisky, posted a list called “30 Things Every Woman Should Quit Doing By 30.” It’s a pretty amusing list, and probably a pretty accurate list, but I take exception to more than several of the items listed. Basically, if I listen to this list, I’ve only got 2 more years before I have to grow the eff up. However, if I listen to this list, pretty much my whole life is going to have to change. I’m just not sure I can handle that amount of change all at once. So, I’ve taken the liberty to edit this list as I deem fit and appropriate.

1. Buying clothes from the junior section (except when needing something SEXAY to wear when finding my husband…see item 4)
2. Forgetting her parents’ birthdays (yeah, but by the time you’re 30, your parents are probably pretty much forgetting their own birthdays, so I’m golden).
3. Making out with her BFFs at bars for attention (this has never been an issue for me, so I am glad to have one less thing to change about myself when I turn 30).
4. Making out with her boyfriend at bars for attention (who does it for attention? I just prefer making out in bars because it’s dark and you can’t hear anything anyway. And really, who wants to TALK to someone anymore. AND, there’s a chance he could be my husband, so I need to maximize my time).
5. Filling her bed with stuffed animals (really, even one is too many…but pillows are not an issue).
6. Carrying a torch for anyone she hasn’t seen in the last five years (I wouldn’t call it a torch…more like a pitchfork…).
7. Rebelling against her parents for the sake of rebelling against her parents (I was apparently very ugly in middle school, so I guess it’s safe to say I got this out of my system)
8. Declaring an entire gender “all jerks.” (why would anyone do this? It’s only half true. the actual statement should be that an entire gender is a jerk but that only some are jerkier than others.)
9. Holding a grudge against anyone who wronged her in high school (I’ve never held a grudge. I just have the X LIST and if you’re on it, then you deserve to be on it, and you more than likely deserve what comes to you).
10. Skipping regular gyno exams. (I have nothing to say about this one because I do believe in being healthy).
11. Going to bed without washing and moisturizing her face (sometimes, after making out at the bar all night, it’s too much effort to take my face off).
12. Being “that person” who had a bit too much to drink at the office party (well, my other choice is to be the person who doesn’t have too much to drink, and no one wants to be a lonely rider, so, sorry).
13. Crushing on Justin Bieber (Justin Bieber will be 18 in two years, so when I’m 30, I won’t have to stop crushing on him. Because we’ll be married by then. And in love. And our makeout seshs will have moved from the bar to the backseat of a Honda so bite me).
14. Thinking she’s got it all figured out (sorry, not gonna change. No matter how old I am).
15. Calling her father “daddy.” (except I’m southern, so I get a pass)
16. Engaging in sibling rivalry (nope. While I understand how this would be ideal, and make you a lot more grown up, there will always be conflict amongst my siblings until they just accept defeat and admit that I am the winningnest of all children).
17. Trying to get by on her looks (yeah, I’m going to try to get by on my looks for as long as possible. And anyone who says they won’t continue to do this is a liar).
18. Living paycheck to paycheck (this would be ideal but we all need some RISK in our lives).
19. Expecting a man/knight in shining armor to swoop in and save her (If I’m still single when I’m 30, I’m giving up on love and holding out for money. And probably if a knight is wearing SHINING armor, then there’s a good chance he has some moolah in his bread box…so I guess this is one more that will not change at my birthday).
20. Aimlessly jumping from job to job (why not? If I can keep landing them, I will keep jumping. Keeps things interesting as I climb the corporate ladder while holding out for Justin Bieber in shining armor).
21. Using MySpace to pick up guys. (or, in my case, facebook...and i fully intend to keep poking random strangers when i'm 30)
22. Expecting a man to do all the wooing (well. I guess I won’t be finding my husband at the bar afterall since I don’t want to be the chaser. I want to be tagged, you're THE ONE!).
23. Wishing she had someone else’s life. (this won't be a problem since i wish for all of you to have MY life).
24. Expecting everyone to drop everything because it’s her birthday ... (hmm…as the years go by, I have developed more and more of an obsession about my birthday, so I fully intend for everyone to continue dropping everything for my bizdiddy!)
25. ... or because her “boyfriend” of two weeks dumped her…(well, lucky for me, since based on this list, I’m clearly destined to be single forever, we won’t have to worry about you all not dropping everything because I got dumped. You can just drop everything because i said so)
26. Measuring her self-worth by a number on the scale (I will measure it by the rock I expect on my hand when I hold out for money).
27. Being cheap. (noted).
28. Quitting a job without having a new one lined up first (especially in this economy!).
29. Blaming her mother for all her issues. (I don’t blame my mother for everything, but I suspect she will continue to come in handy when I want to get out of doing something. I mean, when you’re 30, you’re mom can still tell you that you aren’t allowed to go places, right?)
30. Romanticizing her 20s. (I will only do this if my 30’s prove to be more romantic, which won’t be hard since not one guy of my 20’s has proven to be the hero of a Nicholas sparks’ novel yet)

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