Wednesday, August 31, 2011

convos with my whole house

tonight I called my mom's cell phone to tell her I had found my hearing aid. My dad answers her cell phone. He is just a talkin' but I can't hear a word. Remember how I said I had found my hearing aid? Well I did. but it was at work. (which by the way makes sense since I only wear it at work). Which means I couldn't hear dad on mom's cell phone because he had the tv turned up all the way. "Dad," I said, "I can't hear a word you're saying because the tv is turned up as loud as it can go." He tells me to hang on while he "finds the right button to do just that" and then resumes our conversation. We chit chat for a few minutes and then I ask for mom. "Oh she's on the phone with so and so." Now, I have this theory. There are about six different people that my mom is always on the phone with when I call. I say they have a meredith-dar because they know just when I'm going to call and then they call too. So I always take a back seat to one of these so and sos. I said "of COURSE she's on the phone with so and so! she's ALWAYS on the phone with so and so!" You know what my dad said? "Now, don't be too loud. She may hear you. This phone of your moms is on speaker phone and I don't know how to turn it off."

I can imagine it now. Dad in the kitchen watching tv (because that's his fave place to watch tv which has always struck us as odd) talking on mom's cell phone on the speaker. Mom is probably within earshot in the den talking on the house phone to so and so. And the tv turned up as loud as it can go.

So I called Eli. She picked up and told me she would have to call me back because mom and dad were downstairs being too loud and she couldn't hear.

(Side note. while I was typing this, my mom calls me up and tells me she doesn't appreciate her children thinking she wasn't supposed to have any friends but them and that she was not at my beck and call like I seem to think. that's nice. and wrong).

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

fml party. of 1.

you know when you have a really bad day and it's like nothing else can go wrong? like it's not just raining, it's freakin pouring a monsoon out there and all you wanna do is just throw up your middle fingers and say "eff my life." it's the idea behind and the acronym fml. it's also the idea behind an fml party.

I first heard about a fml party at Jenn's wedding. She and her friend Sarah were discussing how they were fml party buddies. any time one or both of them had a bad day, they would throw themselves an fml party. they would drink delicious toxins, they would eat greasy, unhealthy food and they would dance and sing. and they would scream and shout and basically just let it ALL out.

yesterday, I had a really bad day. Pretty much if it involved me, it was wrong. and i decided it. was.time. my party began the minute i left work. i wept (I'm pretty sure it was more of a wail). i hollered. i beat my steering wheel. i called my parents during their dinner to complain. i lamented I should have never moved (that always seems to make mom and dad feel bad for me). I opened a bottle of wine. I laid on the couch. i beat a dead horse with Natalie. i felt sorry for myself. and it was wonderful.

now, don't get me wrong. i have been a professional pity party planner and participant for as long as i can remember. but an fml party was a whole new concept to me. it's like a pity party on drugs. i pitied myself like a rock star. today I woke up refreshed, rejuvenated and ready to grab the bull by its balls.

in the words of my Jenn: "sometimes it feels so good to take the low road and sulk." damn it feels good to be a gangster (and a sulker).

now. bring on the bull!

convos with my mother

as I do every night, tonight I called my mother to report in that I was home. You see, if I don't somehow notify her that I am home, she thinks I am dead in a ditch somewhere. We typically have interesting convos (since both of our lives are very interesting) and tonight was no exception. For your enjoyment, I am providing you with an excerpt.

Mom: now, listen to this. here is a nekkid man that was a streaker with a raccoon in his car.
Me: why did he have a raccoon in his car?
Mom: I don't know. let me see here. People sure are getting into this streaking thing. (you can find the article she perused here).
Me: Why did he get arrested?
Mom: for being nekkid I guess.
Me: It's illegal to be nekkid? We're born nekkid.
Mom: well I guess meredith people just don't want to see all that. do you want to see all that every time you go around?
Me: well, I don't know.
Mom: (interrupting me) oh here we go. ok. so the man got arrested for streaking and then they found the raccoon in his car with his girlfriend. she was nekkid to. it says she was in the car with a furry companion.
Me: why do they have to call it a furry companion when they say she was nekkid?
Mom: i don't know. but they were both nekkid with a raccoon in the car. oh wait, here is pete on the video. i gotta show your dad.

i guess our convo about nekkid raccoons was over.

jacky-o-lantern HO!

I am copying and pasting this from Lee's Blog because he tells it pretty good. Just a few things to point out:
1. The youth group raising money by selling vegetables is hilarious. and true.
2. when he says dad threw the pumpkin out the window, he really means dad threw the pumpkin out the sun roof.
3. Eli still gets embarrassed about this and I cannot wait until she has a husband I can tell this to.
4. while you're reading this, imagine having a giant sling shot with a pumpkin in it. except the sling shot is dad's arm.
5. imagine while you're reading this what the rest of the world must have thought when they saw a pumpkin go flying out the roof of a car one cool autumn night.
6. i bet from now on you will have a new outlook on the whole "trick or treat" idea.

The Smashed Pumpkin.

On my sister's Facebook page the other day, she asked her friends to describe their favorite Robertson family story. Because my family isn't dramatic or irrational, we don't have many exciting stories. But every now and then something amusing happens. I thought about this for a few hours, and finally managed to recall a story from the Robertson house that might make a few of you laugh. Since Fall will be here soon, it's probably an appropriate time to retell the story here...

Around Halloween a few years back (and keep in mind that this really is only a few years back--maybe four or five) my youngest sister Eli (who was probably seventeen at that point), my mom and my dad went to pick out a pumpkin. Now, why a seventeen year old girl needs a pumpkin at Halloween is beyond me, but whatever. Eli just had to have one--no Halloween was complete without one, after all.

Well, the youth group at our church sells pumpkins as a fundraiser every year, so they decided that they would find their perfect pumpkin in the yard in front of University City United Methodist Church. Now selling pumpkins is a fundraiser for the church youth group. It follows, then, that they ain't gonna be the cheapest pumpkins in town. They're trying to raise money by selling vegetables. If they're going to fund their next trip to Carowinds or Kenya, they've got to jack the prices on these things up. But when you're a seventeen year old that just has to have a Jack-O-Lantern for Halloween, I guess cost isn't an issue.

Oh but for my parents, it was. So Eli finds the perfect pumpkin. Her Seventeenth Halloween was also going to be the best: she found the biggest, orangest, roundest pumpkin in the patch. The only catch: it was $40. My dad told her that there was no way in hell that he was going to pay $40 for a gourd, perfect or not.

Seventeen year old Eli didn't like this one bit. Not even a little bit. So she did what any self-respecting seventeen year old would do: she found threw a fit. She yelled. She cried. She cried. OVER A PUMPKIN. The fact that my dad bought her a smaller pumpkin only furthered her cause, because she started accusing my dad (if I know her, loudly and shrilly) of being "cheap."

My dad, who is really very patient, especially with her, had enough. As they're drove down the road on the way home, Eli called him cheap one too many times. He reached around to the backseat with one hand, grabbed that pumpkin from Eli's fists, and (while still driving, mind you) heaved it one-handed out the window and into the middle of Harris Boulevard, where it exploded into a pile of seeds and orange melon.

And for the next month, every time we drove down Harris Boulevard and saw that pile of rotting, stinking pumpkin, we were reminded of our only Halloween without a Jack-o-Lantern, all because Eli thought my dad was cheap.

thought for the day.

Writer Amy Ephron once said: I have a theory that single women who buy champagne by the case rarely end well.

well. isn't that nice (as I suck on my can of Stella)

vote for lee! (not for me)

My big brother Lee has been nominated as one of Charlotte's best bloggers. I know. I don't know what they're thinking either. My blog is so much better. But I guess since I don't live in Charlotte, and he does, then it makes sense he would be nominated.

Click here.

Click on "Lifestyle" (third button on the top right)
Click on "Falling Up: Tales from Law School" (4th choice down)
and vote!

if he wins, I will make him take me to dinner with his prize gift card. And then I'll blog about it. because we all know dinner with the deeze and lee is totes blog worthy.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

tussy pants. i mean britney pants.

in case you are wondering what to get me for my birthday this year, a pair of these would do. i mean, i only have one more year to act foolish before i am really forced to grow up. so i can't think of anything more appropes than a pair of tights with britney spears' face on them. (it's good to have options. you know, in case the life size bieber is out of stock).

Friday, August 26, 2011

thought for the day.

who turns an entire bucket of raspberry sherbert into baby shower punch and then doesn't call?

carrie bradshaw, berger may have dumped you via post-it note, but i'm pretty sure i've got you beat.

(hilarious side note. when you google "hunter farm raspberry sherbert" images, this pretty punch bowl pic comes up. BABY SHOWER PUNCH!)

single in the wrong city

Because my friends are aware that it would be easier to double date with the Deeze if the Deeze has a date to bring to the equation, they are always happy to help in my quest for securing a date. The other day, my friend Carolyn sent me the Top 25 richest cities for singles in the country, at least as CNN Money sees it. Obviously, as a single who does not live in any of these cities, I have a lot of issues with their list. My main point of contention is that none of the cities include Raleigh, where I now live. I mean, granted, I ain't that rich but I love rich men, so you can see why this would be slightly concerning. The other super concerning issue is that I know without a doubt had this list come from Fox News, it would be entirely different. You know why? Because Fox news is fair. and balanced. At any rate, below I have supplied you with my thoughts on what I know about some of the best and richest cities for singles in America (and why it may or may not be a good idea for me to move there).

1. Manhattan Beach, CA -- ok, this absolutely just really cannot be true. I have a dear friend who got arrested in Manhattan Beach for not paying a cabbie the exact amount his meter said she owed. It's clearly not single friendly, since she was single and ended up in the slammer. What he should have done was given her a Krispie Kreme donut.
2. Tysons Corner, VA -- I could understand this. The company I work for has an office here, and since I love everyone I work with, it makes total sense. Though I wasn't aware there were that many singles at our Tyson's Corner office. I'll be putting in for my relo shortly.
3. Beverly Hills, CA -- this I can halfway understand. Eric Menendez, my newest prison crush, is from there. And he came as a pair, so not only are they single and rich, but they also come in multiples out in Beverly Hills. And we all know the only thing better than a rich single man is a rich single man with a brother. (please take my picture by the pool because I'm the next big thing)
4. Hermosa Beach, CA
5. Madison, NJ -- I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that there's a good chance nothing in NJ belongs on this list or that myself belongs in NJ (or anyone I know for that matter).
6. Milton, MA -- besides its almost complete liberalness of a state (I say almost complete because my friend Karoline lives in Boston and is not liberal), this area was actually on my list at one point of places to move. Bostonian men have edge. And the only thing better than a guy with edge is a guy who likes to live on the edge. and living on the edge is so much safer when you are rich.
7. Arlington, VA -- I'm pretty sure I've fallen in love every time I've gone to DC. Other than the time it was with a waiter from PF Changs who ended up being nothing short of a complete train wreck (we're talking he made Lindsay Lohan seem stable), everyone else has been rich. and usually single.
8. Coronado, CA
9. Montclair, NJ -- I mean really. What is with all the NJ promos? Did someone from NJ write this article?
10. Edgewater, NJ -- When looking for ANY reason at all to agree with CNN's clear prejudice towards NJ (other than obviously the fact that Debbie, my friend who owns the NBA lives there), I found that this little town not only has a small number of New Jersey-ans, which is nice, but also is home to a colony of free-flying parrots. that could be a lot of fun actually.
11. Easton, MA
12. Okemos, MI -- Okemos sounds like Eskimo and as exciting as an eskimo kiss sounds right about now, I'm not sure I want it to happen in Michican.
13. Marina del Ray, CA
14. Irvine, CA
15. Ardmore, PA
16. Arden Hills, MN -- on my flight from Indianapolis to Minneapolis recently, I met a boy who was on his way to North Dakota. When I asked him who actually goes to North Dakota, he told me I was judgemental. And all I know is, if the mall of America ain't there, then why would anyone actually go to Minnesota? Other than to say "I'm from Men-a-sowwwwta" obviously.
17. Edwards, CO -- Edwards isn't that far from Vail. And you know who lives in Vail? Ryan and Trista from the Bachelorette. And you know who lives in Breck, which is also near Vail (and subsequently, Edwards)? Jesse from the Bachelorette. Which means between these two families, they must have lots of single (and rich) reality tv show friends who you KNOW must come skiing. Hello, Colorado.
18. Westbury, NY
19. Lisle, IL
20. Herndon, VA -- It's a good thing VA is getting some shout outs on this list. It IS for lovers after all.
21. Arlington, MA
22. Kirkland, WA -- they may be rich and single, but I can pretty much bet your bottom dollar it's because they work for Microsoft. And who wants a pompous, proprietary bastard anyway?
23. Alexandria, VA -- Besides the Revolutionary War re-enactments, there is also a Torpedo Museum here. No wonder it's full of rich singles. It's like a grown man's sand box.
24. Campbell, CA
25. Berkeley, CA -- they may be single in Berkeley, but I'm pretty sure it has to do with their lack of bathing and general personal hygiene more than anything else. I mean yeah, the Tevas are an issue. Additionally, is anyone in Berkeley rich? I didn't know hippies came with lots of dough. If so, then it's a good thing I'm already not into bathing...


thought for the day.

many years ago, i won tickets from the radio to see Aaron Neville on ice. what a weird prize.

i don't remember if he fell or not. but i hope he did. why else would anyone want to see him on ICE?

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

craigslist has found my husband.

now, we all know how i feel about roommates. i feel as though this catch might actually be a good find. i mean, i freakin love me some bearnaise sauce especially when devoured over a discussion of the classics. and don't even get me started on fried green tomatoes. basically, my dream boat in one of my fave cities in america? loves pringles and beef jerky? yes please. sign me up for that shit. (please do not read if you get offended by excessive use of expletives).

$1000 Best. Roommate. Ever.

Date: 2011-08-18, 3:39PM PDT
Reply to: [Errors when replying to ads?]

Konichiwa bitches. Are you looking for the most kick-ass fucking roommate that ever lived? If so, look no further. You fucking found him. I'm a 25-year-old professional marketing agent with experience at bad-ass companies in New York Fucking City. That's right! What you know about experience? I graduated from Auburn University in Alabama, and moved to NYC at the ripe, tender age of 22. After deciding that New York was a stinky shit-hole, I moved back to Alabama to cultivate more professional experience. Why? So I can make millions of dollars and not have to post shit like this on Craigslist.

Anyway, so I landed this job with a marketing firm in San Francisco, and I have no fucking clue where to live. Honestly, I'm moving there in 3 weeks, so I don't give a shit if I have to sleep in your bathtub.

A bit about me: I'm respectful, quiet, clean and I won't bother any of your shit. If you leave shit out, I'm just like, "Oh fuck I better not mess with this shit, because it's not mine." I turn off lights. I clean toilets. Fuck it. I'll even cook for you. That's right! My dad is a chef and taught me everything there is to know about cooking southern cajun cuisine. I'll fry green tomatoes, cover them with marinated crab meat and smother that shit in bearnaise. EVERY. GODDAMN. NIGHT. Don't eat meat? That's fucking FANTASTIC! I'll make a zucchini and yellow squash carpaccio that will knock your fucking socks off.

I also read a lot. I fucking LOVE books. Vonnegut, Palahniuk, Hawthorne. All that shit. I read Tuesdays with Morrie the other day. It's a sad story, but I learned something about life, love, knowledge and the pursuit of something greater than myself. Fucking smart. Do you like movies? I fucking love them. We can watch the shit out of some movies together if you like, or go get drinks, or work out, hike, play video games or play a game of one-on-one basketball, or I don't have to talk to you at all. It's completely UP TO YOU!

Sometimes I play guitar. Are you going to love getting baked and listening to Bob Dylan and Pink Floyd? LIVE? WHENEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT? Of course you are! I'll take requests and learn any song you like, because I have the voice of an angel and the acoustical stylings of James Fucking Taylor. AWWWWWW SHIT YEA!

A lot of people ask me, "Hey, you're from Alabama. Are you racist?" And, the answer to that question is, no. I'm not racist or judgmental at all. I love everyone. I'm a secular humanist. I FUCKING LOVE PEOPLE. That's the only requirement to being a secular humanist actually. You have to like other human beings and want to help them for no other reason than they are human regardless of race, religion or sexual preference. WTF?!!!? Pretty fucking cool right?

I own almost nothing! I'm driving my car from Alabama to California in which I'll be transporting two duffelbags of clothes, one laptop computer, one guitar, one cell-phone with charger, 8 pairs of shoes, one picture frame, probably some condoms and a shitload of beef jerky and Pringles for the trip. Though, you can expect the jerky to be gone upon my arrival. Unless you'd like me to pick up some on my way into the city. See?! I'm the most considerate person you've ever met. I'm offering to buy you shit already!

Am I interested in your pad? You can bet my nomadic ass I am! I only require 4 walls, a ceiling and a floor to shelter me from the elements. Other than that, anything else will be considered a convenient plus. I'm taking being a roommate to the next level. Email me! I'll hook yo ass up with Facebook links, background checks, credit reports, phone numbers, resumes, references, awards, sexual history, pictures of karate trophies and a list of the top 10 women I'd like to bang before I die. If you want a next-generation roommate who consistently blows your fucking mind with awesomeness, then hit me up. I'm ready to give you money.

EDIT: Craigslist decided to hook my shit back up, and I'm tweeting now. Follow me. Or don't. It's up to you.

  • cats are OK - purrr
  • dogs are OK - wooof
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 2549849730

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

eff the TSA pat down

so i canceled my massage envy membership and had until 9/9 to use up the extra massages in my account. i went in tonight for a 90 minute massage. here i am, being a stupid, thinking my 90 minutes of heaven is just what i need (isn't that what the game is called?). only, i didn't know i was going to be joined in heaven by creeper mcgee. i'm not entirely convinced he knew what he was doing. as a matter of fact, i'm not entirely convinced he actually even went to massage school. he shook me (which was fitting since the earth moved beneath me today in the great quake of 2011), he paid great attention to my behonkey (which while it needed a massage, i feel it would have been a totally different experience had i been attracted to the dude), and he played this little piggy with my toes for a lot longer than what was appropriate. he may or may not have thought he was a chiropractor since he kept trying to pop my back. and my elbows. and my ankles. the best part of my 90 minutes in heaven? the bear hug. i mean, when was the last time you got bear hugged during your massage? at the end, he gave me his card and said (no lie) "it's hard to get in touch with me so you should probably call in advance."

uhh. ok guy. i'm sure people are just banging down the doors of massage envy trying to get in touch with you.

all i know is eff the TSA pat down. next time i want to get felt up (and bear hugged), i'm going to see my messeuese creeper mcgee. but don't worry - i'll make sure to call in advance.

thought for the day.

they mayans said the earth was going to end in 2012. this week alone we've experienced an earthquake and are expecting a hurricane. perhaps the mayans were right. and i've been wrong this entire life.

"You just give yourself a minute, honey. It'll come back to you."

The other day, my friend Debbie-who-owns-the-Giants-and-has-Kobe's-cell-number-on-speed-dial (I swear every time Natalie or I mention Debbie, she becomes even more exaggerated than the time before) sent me this article about a water aerobics instructor. The instructor goes on to tell a story about the time her friend recommended she not be truthful about her job when meeting important diplomats. This struck me as funny. You see, while I have never been a water aerobics instructor (are you kidding me? I went once with mom and that shiz was hard. No way in hell could I be an instructor if I couldn't even maintain a pool run), I have been a swimmer my whole life. I don't consider myself competitive except in the pool. I even had that swimmer's ego that I owned the world (this occured shortly after placing 60th...out of 60... at Junior Nationals when I swam year round. I was clearly the and my high school team coach threatened to remove me as a team captain because i was so arrogant. That of course happened after I had somehow managed to get several people thrown off the team for drinking beer while throwing my best friend under the bus. Just be glad you weren't friends with me.

At any rate, I went on to college (success!) and realized there was no swim team for me to join. Don't get me wrong - I had long since given up dreams of being an Olympic swimmer. I knew I was not Dara Torres before she knew she even knew she was Dara Torres. I knew I wasn't going to be this awesome college swimmer who swam my girls' school to state championships against the boys' schools. If there is one thing I am, it is realistic. But then I discovered that my alma mater had a synchronized swim team. SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING. Yes, you heard. I of course signed up to take Aqua Angels 101 for a grade. I'm pretty sure I was making a C in the class when I got convinced by Meredith Burdock to try out for the team. Uhh clearly no one had been paying that much attention to my ballet leg. Meredith and I both somehow managed to make the team and get paired up together (which didn't confuse our coach at all. It didn't take her long to figure out all she had to do was yell "meredith" and she'd either figure out who wasn't practicing, who wasn't counting correctly, who was turning the entirely wrong way under water, who was distracting others, or who was trying to skip practice to go eat mac and cheese. The coach also referred to me as meredith baxter which was odd but became even more concerning as of late when i learned that meredith baxter was an actress who recently came out of the closet. but that's neither here nor there i suppose).

So a synchronized swimmer did I become. I have logged rolled and oystered. I can beat eggs for hours on end and I can scull like it's going out of style. It's pretty much fair to say I've got moves you ain't ever seen. I've done ballet leg to Michael Jackson, I've shaken myself like a polaroid picture (you try that in the water), I've formed a Christmas Tree with 14 other girls and I've trained with a coach from the Canadian National Synchronized Swim Team (and if anyone knows how to be in sync it's the Canadians. Have you ever seen them at the Olympics? Holy crap). And let's not forget how awful of a song Mr. Robato is when you're upside down doing a floating head stead for 15 seconds.

Quick, some synchronized swimming trivia:
1. how long can a synchronized swimmer hold her breath? (clue: it's totally different than sitting on the bottom of the floor having a tea party under water).
2. When one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the others have to? (Clue: this isn't that funny of a joke. And the answer is no. But it would be fitting and would make sense I suppose.)
3. Do all synchronized swimmers have bionic ears? (clue: no. they simply have speakers under the water).

Don't think even for a minute (why would you though) that I tucked this experience away never to be used again. For my first job out of school, I put "synchronized swimming" on my resume. From then on I was referred to as "meredith from meredith the synchronized swimmer" when they were discussing how awesome I was and how mandatory it was that I be hired (these conversations really did happen. They told me). At my job in FL, someone from our department suggested we all dress up as synchronized swimmers for the annual halloween party. So we ordered supplies, we choreographed a routine and heck yes we won overall the costume contest and each got 2 extra days off. And as the whole world watched the Bachelor Pad contestants perform their synchronized swimming routines last night, I just laughed. Because you can bet your bottom dollar I own that swim cap they wore. While I feel as though The Bachelor should be ashamed of himself for not accepting at least one of my applications, I do have to say thanks for showing that this really is a legit sport. And just in case you still don't believe in the too legit to quitness of synchronized swimming, I have obviously supplied you with some pics throughout.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

thought for the day.

some days, i don't feel like an adult. and then i go to the target to buy vacuum bags.

you ever see a lion limber up before it takes down a gazelle?

In the past 3 weeks alone, I have found myself discussing the zombie apocalypse at a wedding, at work and at bible study. Now, let me just say to start with that I know nothing about zombies. I did go on a date once where my date had free tickets to see zombieland (no wonder it didn't work out...) and quite honestly, the movie was kind of scary. Plus, because I was working at a real estate development company at the time that developed tire stores and had just so happened to build one where the movie was filmed, I felt the need to inform my date in excess of 25 times that I had built a tire store in zombieland. But that's neither here nor there. So I watched the movie again and I gotta admit - Zombieland is HIGHlarious. and thought provoking. Since I have found myself engaging in conversations with other intellectuals about the coming zombie apocalypse, I decided it was time I do some research. (and I must give credit where credit is due. The above pic is of the husband of a friend of mine from college and his friend exercising Rule 4 - the doubletap. I know neither of them but I respect them). Because I have done such extensive research, I feel my label as Zombie expert is only fair. Besides, I love twinkies. And guns (I should probably not admit I didn't know who Bill Murray was until I began my quest for knowledge).

I have been very argumentative about the validity of the zombie apocalypse, but, not gonna lie, the Center for Disease Control is really what made me think the zombie apocalypse might actually be for real (I mean, why would the government lie to its constituents?). On May 16 of this year, the CDC posted a blog on emergency preparedness 101 for the zombie apocalypse. Now, because I am my father's child, you can understand why I might get a little secretly giddy over anything involving being prepared for an emergency. The thing that concerns me is that no one at the CDC thought to include a head globe to wear around your head to protect your brains. Everyone knows zombies love brains and won't stop until they get them. If the government can hand out canned water during a hurricane, then it seems to make sense to me that they would hand out head globes for everyone in advance of the coming zombie apocalypse. Speaking of things that make sense, it completely makes sense that cardio would be the number 1 rule of surviving a zombie outbreak. As Columbus says in Zombieland, the first to go are the fatties. Good thing I work out otherwise I'm not sure I'd feel as confident as I do in going Hulk on a zombie.

it is important to note that, "The CDC zombie plan includes no mention of shotguns, torches, hot-wiring cars, seeking high ground, traveling at night vs. day, or really any worthwhile strategy for keeping zombies out of your house." Now, I love a good blow torch (have I blogged about the time my brother tried to poke my eye out with one?) so learning that a torch might be a good zombie fender offer makes me extra excited. When googling "best way to defeat a zombie" however, I am given much better ideas. Most of them were probably made up and proven effective by Chuck Norris though, and since I'm no chick norris anymore, I'm a bit hesitant. But I do like bragging to my friends...except...winchester to the head? Egyptian obelisk? What the eff are these things?! My favorite (and most doable) options are smashing its head in a convection oven or running it through a wood chipper. Only problem is I either have to have a wood chipper (I don't) or I have to let to zombie into my kitchen (I won't). So perhaps carrying giant matches around with me at all times is the best option to defeat a zombie. I mean, who doesn't love setting things a blaze? I also found a suggestion that if you're trying to defeat a zombie, just go to Home Depot and you'll be OK...only time you'll ever find me willing to go to Home Depot for hours on end.

After all my reading, and now that I feel I am a zombie expert, I want to urge each of you to be prepared for a zombie apocalypse. do your research. know what could work and what might not work. and remember: it's amazing how fast the world can go from bad to total shit storm.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

i invented post it notes

This past weekend was my ten year high school reunion. Yes, I know I'm dating myself here by telling you that. I started the day off by posting to the reunion facebook page that I was going to tell everyone I invented post-it notes (you know...from that movie). This got lots of responses and even a demand that I do the spotlight dance to Time After Time. You'll be sad to know that I did not do the spotlight dance but instead chose to do the stanky leg for everyone. Immediately after teaching people how to dougie (well, the one part I know). I brought my yearbook with me so I could point out, just in case anyone had forgotten, that I was voted wittiest female in our high school class (and yes, I may or may not have peaked in high school. I realize this). I also wore a dress from my kid sister's closet. We had a picture board with "Name That Teacher!" on it but I only remembered one teacher. Yes, it was the teacher my brother dated while I was in her class but nonetheless. Has my memory really gotten that bad? I mean, there were people there I didn't remember ever seeing before in my life! So, all I know is Lord have mercy because no way in hell will I remember them in 20 years if I don't remember them after 10. Except the man who became a woman in the last ten years. I will def remember him. i mean her.

The best part though? I stayed out till 4:30 in the mawnin. I took a detour and didn't go to the after party but instead went to a cute boy's house (who I have known not since high school but since middle school. Let's make that shiz facebook official!). We went out with some of his friends (and got caught by some of mine who had wondered where I had disappeared to. Yes, THAT is where I disappeared to) then went back to his house to watch a movie. Now, I know my mother and I also know the following facts:

1) i am 28 years old.
2) i do not have a house key to my parents' house.
3) my mother will wake up at 3a and wonder where I am if I am not at home.
4) If I am not home when she wakes up she will assume I am either drunk, doing things I shouldn't be doing with a boy, dead in a ditch or perhaps all 3.

So, because I know these truths to be self-evident, I sent my mother a txt at 2:30 that said "I am out with so and so. I will be home later." At 3:30 she responded with "I am locking the door." Now, this was a conundrum. I told the cute boy this and his response was "why is your mom even awake at 3:30 in the morning?" I told him that was beside the fact. That what mattered here was that she was telling me she was locking me out. Which meant she was telling me to stay out ALL night. Except, if I actually stayed out all night, I knew I would be in trouble. I should probably admit to you that when this txt came in, we were having a nice little make out sesh on the couch. So, here we are making out on the couch and my mother calls looking for me. it was just like high school.

only, it was more like a fine wine version of high school. because it was so much better than real high school. and if wine gets better as it ages, then bring on the reunions! i do love me some wine after all.

Monday, August 15, 2011

the most beautiful verse in the Bible

i think i have found it.

The Lord your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession. ~Deuteronomy 7:6


Deeze you autocorrect!

What are you touching? ~ sent to my brother lee when I meant to ask what he was doing.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, August 14, 2011

And I realized that sometimes the greatest triumphs in your life come in on little cat feet and sit on silent haunches and it's up to you to see it before it moves on.

~Sally Field

Thursday, August 11, 2011

thought for the day.

My horoscope today said the following:

A bit of self-control could do you wonders. Your lack of willpower in everything from overindulging on bad food to flirting with losers makes you a big target for disaster.

I would like to announce that whomever said horoscopes weren't true was wrong. and I would also like to say that clearly my best friend is in charge of writing my horoscope. because this one nailed it. on the freakin' head.

i've ordered 1,000,000,000 of these

(and I secretly really miss when we could post these on other people's facebooks as badges or buttons or whatever they were called.)

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Vespa! (or just a Versa)

Today's Groupon is for a Vespa rental in Napa. I just got back from Napa. In the spirit of being thrifty (who am I kidding...we wanted to save all our pennies for the wine tastings), we signed up for the Groupon in Napa hoping to find some sweet deals. Except, we didn't. So we rented (well, Natalie did. I just paid for gas) a car and they gave us a Versa. It was like driving a skittle around town. Have you ever driven a Skittle around town? And if you know anything about me, you know it doesn't take much for me to feel like DJ Felly Fell but not gonna lie, this time, it was hard to feel like a G while riding around town in the Versa. Besides randomly yelling out "VERSA!" every chance we got (ya know, just in case people were wondering whose sick ride that was in the parking lot of the vineyard), we also quoted Jeff Foxworthy more times than I'd like to admit. You know, the guy that reminds you of all the ways you're a redneck?

When asked if he wanted car insurance for his rental car, he said "Yes, I would. Cause you've got a Ford Fiesta that's about to see more airtime than a skateboard at the X-Games."

I think it's fair to say our Versa enjoyed its little tour of Napa. I think it's also fair to say that just because we can quote Jeff Foxworthy, we are not 'necks. So don't even start.

high school reunion

my 10 year high school reunion is coming up this weekend. it's sure to be entertaining, especially since i'm pretty positive no one i was good friends with in high school will be there. i jokingly said on facebook that I hoped I recognized people in real life since I am facebook friends with all these people.

this morning someone (who i don't remember) summed up all of our fears and insecurities about the high school reunion. she wrote on the wall of our facebook group the following:

anyone remember me cause i sure don't remember nobody.

i understand, my friend. i understand.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Wino Dino

I think it's safe to say not everyone can claim stopping up the toilet on the napa valley wine train on their list of accomplishments.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

ain't gonna flex, ain't gonna front

last night, outside of my hotel was the Wiz Khalifa concert. I told my co-worker I wanted to go but she told me I couldn't expense the ticket. When i told Eli this, she replied "wtf?! you need to expense that shit!" Little did I know, I wouldn't need to. i could hear everything from my room. I enjoyed the bumping and the psychadelic light show.

however, from the looks of this guy, i'm pretty sure i would have enjoyed some things other than flexin' and frontin' had i been there in person.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Real Live Larping Convention

Y'all. I am in Indianapolis for work right now and there is a gaming convention going on. Well, so that's a false truth. They are currently setting up for the convention that begins on Thursday. I asked the waitress tonight what Gen-Con was. She said it was a gaming convention. Because I watch too much Grandma's Boy, asked her if she knew how I could get in on a Halo competition. She told me no, not video games. Board games. Like Dungeons and Dragons. Then she made the mistake of telling me there was a ball on Saturday night "where everyone dresses up. You should go to it. It's really cool."

A ball. As in a dance. Do gamers dance? For some reason I feel like if you travel across the country to play dungeons and dragons, then there's a good chance you probably go to a ball like the boys in my 7th grade class went to our dances. They went, but they stood next to the punch bowl talking about...yep. you guessed it. dungeons and dragons.

Now. I don't know if you know anything about me but 1) I'm not sure I would call a gaming convention ball really cool. and b) do I need to hand out copies of the true crime book I read about the kids from Little Washington, NC who played too much D&D and decided to kill their parents? But seriously, I secretly want to go to this ball.

live action role playing in real life. Even the website calls it like it is: "Stare at jaw-dropping costumes, or better yet, wear one of your own. Meet the movers and the shakers in the gaming industry."

i've been looking for a moving, shaking, real life action role player for quite some time. Seriously. I'm not sure I should fly out to meet Natalie in Napa after all. Perhaps she should be flying here to meet me...we have always wanted to be princesses, and this might just be the opportunity we've been looking for.

Monday, August 1, 2011

It's possible we have the same dad.

"Everything I know, I learned from my Dad.""Yeah. Me too."
"Really? You both have the same dad?"
"We don't know. It's possible."

The other day, I liked beavis and butthead on facebook. You know, I gave them a thumbs up. I really wish I could have given them 10 thumbs up. At any rate, Eli wrote below it: "liking beavis and butthead is like liking lee and meredith." So of course I promptly made a facebook group called "lee and meredith robertson." except, it didn't give me a like button. so now, all these people have been forced to join the group. several have left. I don't understand why you would leave our group.

The lee and meredith robertson experience. Lee told me yesterday he was going to move into my tree house with me. I said I didn't want to be swiss family robertson. If this happens, I am blaming my mother. Besides, she's the reason why I am just now discovering how hilarious beavis and butthead really are.