Saturday, December 24, 2011

Live nativity

Mom told me today that their church had to give up on the live nativity they were supposed to do. She said she guesses no one signed up. But let's face it. What's the point? Live nativities are kind of boring. You're supposed to stand around, being alive, not moving? And what about the people who come to watch you. They're supposed to stand around watching a bunch of live people standing around?

I say let's make it a dead nativity. I bet more people would be happy to sign up to look at the zombies standing around.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

I learned how to screen shot (thanks to you)








excellent stocking stuffer idea

can we talk about something? Can we puhlease talk about Flashing Janet?

why have I never heard of this doll until now? Better yet, why hasn't anyone ever given me this doll? And even further, why did I have to go to book club to learn about her existence?

I can't stop thinking about her. She begins her dance upon a whistle (or any sound for that matter, which is great since I can't whistle). Her dance is called the "horizontal vertical shuffle" and sounds eerily like a portion of my 12 seconds with a white girl dance. Her theme song is "I wanna be loved by you." I suppose the good news is that her wardrobe malfunction is her tube top dropping like it's hot and not her romper splitting up the hiney.

As it turns out, I have a lot in common with Flashing Janet.

boo boo bee doodily dum.

Monday, December 19, 2011

trans siberian orchestra

y'all. have you ever been to this? have you ever heard of this? have you ever really experienced all that is the trans siberian orchestra?

let me just tell you.

i knew i didn't like their music. it didn't occur to me that i may not like the show. i mean, i don't care for the gorillaz really but their show was amaze.

Sunday night, Evan txted me to tell me he had two extra box seats if I wanted them. it was 7p and the show started at 7:30. i immediately faced an great internal battle. i love sitting in a box. But I also love sitting in my gym clothes with my gym hair and watching the real housewives. But I figured I should go. I mean Home Alone is one of my favorite movies of all time. So I blew Nikki's phone up until she responded and at exactly 720 I picked her up. I gotta admit. I was a little nervous. We were going to be sitting next to Rod Brind'amour's box and we all know how much I love him. And I hadn't washed my hair. I just wasn't feeling confident that my fancy headband was going to cut it this time.

Little did I know how glad I was going to that I didn't wash my hair.

Nikki and I arrived, hit up Evan at the bar for some spirits, and the show began. Almost immediately we looked at each other and said "what the f%$!" Where were we. What were we listening to? We looked down at the masses, all swaying in unison to the music and really thinking the light show was awesome. It was during our discussions of why they would be singing about Russia if they weren't Russian that it dawned on us how we were the odd ones out. We were the ones with the problem for thinking this show was lame. We decided it was time to get the hell out of there. We made our way back to the bar, imbibed a bit more, and blew that joint.

It was quite obvious that neither one of us knew exactly what we were getting ourselves into, especially since until the show began (and possibly even until the third song) we were under the impression we were seeing Mannheim Steamroller (which would explain why we were dressed up and everyone else was in jeans).

All I know if thank God I didn't wash my hair. Thank God the tickets were free. And like Nikki said, thank God we weren't epileptic because we probably would have had to be taken out on stretchers.

grateful.

(I thought I posted this. Turns out I really only hit the save button. So, here you go)

This morning my mom told me instead of complaining about how crazy I feel I'm going at work right now (it's hard not to have my crazy turned up a notch at end of quarter), I should be grateful. Grateful that people rely on me. Depend on me. Expect things of me.

I guess my mother has a point.

It's the season of thanksgiving and it's too easy to get caught up in the humdrum of daily life. Sure, I give praises of thanksgiving - who doesn't when they get something they really want (or say, win the lottery)? But how often do we really contemplate the things for which we are grateful? And I don't mean saying thank you to the girl at the McDonalds drive thru when she gives you exactly what you ordered. I know I don't show true gratitude and appreciation the way I should, especially for the little things that make my cozy little life extra enjoyable. Don't get me wrong. I need to be more grateful for the big things in my life. But the little things, the ones that often get overlooked, need some appreciation too.

So today, I am extraordinarily grateful for $5 yoga classes.
A job where I can dress like I'm 15 and not get sent home (yes. I have been sent home before because of my outfit of choice).
Barbara the Barbarian.
My little red volvo.
A secret pen pal.
Bojangles for every day I want to eat my feelings.
Hearing aides.
Pocket Bible.
Pocket Constitution.
Pockets in general.
Fascinating conversations with my new preacher friend who I am convinced I want to be just like when I grow up.
Contacts.
Gelato pie.
Upcoming adventures.
Fingernail polish.
Wine.
Cheeseburgers.
Picture Calendars.
Homemade cds.
Fireplaces.
Scarves and gloves.
Leaves.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

christmas shopping with lee

The other day I received an email from Lee, asking what I wanted for Christmas. Lee has always been a thoughtful gift giver. So I emailed back and said:

I'd like a gift card to ulta so I can buy Jessica Simpson's new perfume, I Fancy You. Or, a gift card to DSW so I can get some new work shoes. Or, a gift card to Ann Taylor or Banana is always welcome.

His response:

Well you're definitely getting a gift card. I just don't think they sell any of those at Harris Teeter so we'll see what happens.

If he's shopping at Harris Teeter for gifts already, does that mean next year it's the gas station?

Monday, December 12, 2011

texts with emily

Dec. 11, 2011 4:37 PM

Merdeezy: I am in the process of housing the leftover pizza. The entire thing.
Enchanted Dumplings: Well I just finished eating a chocolate Christmas present I got for someone else.
Merdeezy: It better not have been my present.
Enchanted Dumplings: No comment. But I have reached a new low.
Merdeezy: Dammit. I wish I knew how to make a screen shot like that texts from bennett kid. You know how I know it's the day after a great party?
Enchanted Dumplings: You know how I know? I listen to Coldplay while eating Christmas presents.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Christmas Card Fail

So, if you see the below card you will see it is signed "The Robertson Family." I thought this was strange. I mean, here's the deal. Just because I don't have a wedding or a baby to send Christmas cards about doesn't mean I shouldn't send out Christmas cards. So, last year I started the tradition of sending out cards full of pictures of me for your fridge. However, this year, I found it a bit awkward that I couldn't remove "the family" signature block. I love the card. But I do not love having to sign it the family.

But, I am giddy to announce that my awkwardness on the Christmas card has officially been surpassed by my friend Bridgette. Now, I don't know too many new wives that don't get excited about the first married Christmas tree, the first married Christmas card, the first married Christmas Day, etc. Shoot, I know when I get hitched I am sending out Christmas cards the size of a science fair project board. Since Bridgette recently married Ryan, she obviously has a lot to put on a Christmas card. Only, she forgot to remove the generic family language from the card (at least she had the option to remove it) and didn't realize it until she had paid - and the cards had shipped.

The Ryan and Bridgette Blair Christmas 2011 card is affectionately signed "Allison, Albert and Anna Hutchinson."

I absolutely cannot wait to see these cards.

Merry Christmas from The Family

Pictures Everywhere Christmas Card
To view our unique Christmas card designs, click here.
View the entire collection of cards.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

hello? meredith?

I took the day off work yesterday. I didn't tell any of my sales reps I was doing it either. I just put up an out of office and forwarded my calls to my cell (with absolutely no intention of actually answering any of the calls).

My mom called me at one point to tell me someone named Bill had called her. Bill? Why was he calling her? She said she didn't know, that he was just as surprised as she was. Apparently, both were very confused and when he said he was trying to reach me, she said "well this is her mother."

oh.my.gosh. can you even imagine?

I cried I was laughing so hard. Poor guy. Tried to call me and somehow dialed my mother? How did this even happen. He must have dialed the number wrong. I mean, her number is only 1 digit off of mine.

This morning a group of my reps called me on speaker phone to discuss how my mother got involved. Bill claims he called my work number and I must have forwarded it to her number. I denied it.

But then I started thinking about it. Remember when I called the cat lady about giving Pete a hairdo? Yes my friends, based on past history, I'd say there's a good chance I forwarded all of my work calls to my MOM's cell phone before peacing out for vacay.

oops. For the record. I'm still laughing.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Teaching Barb to talk

video

Tinsley's nap

What did you do today while your baby was napping? Because this is what we did while ours was deep in a milk drunk slumber.

anonymous

someone named anonymous keeps commenting on Lee's blog. Some of the comments are sweet. Some are funny. Some are just plain mean. The worst part is that Anonymous clearly never won the spelling bee. The best part is that Lee responds to Anonymous.

I wish I had a friend named Anonymous. Mainly because I lurve bobby valentino. And in the words only he can make sound romantic when describing his anonoymous,

I wanna know, I wanna know
Your name, Your name, Your name
Why you gotta be anonymous?
I gotta know, I gotta know
Your name, Your name, Your name
Why you gotta be anonymous?

actually, i am a white girl

Lee brought to my attention this blog post that was brought to his attention (I'm sure by a white girl). And, since I actually AM a white girl, I'd like to expound upon these theories.

1. Take pictures of their feet. Yes. This is true. Although I am a white girl, I've never really understood this picture taking scheme, but since I don't like to be left out, I always participate. I have no less than 74 of these pictures on my hard drive. Yes. I counted.

This is what our feet look like!

2. Express their extreme annoyance at this work day today and hint that it deserves a much needed alcoholic beverage at the end of it. WINK WINK. Now. I know the following to be true. I am a white girl. I get awfully annoyed at the work day. And I enjoy a good bevey. But if I were to post on facebook about my desire for a bevey every time I felt the urge, my mother (also a white girl) would be convinced I was an alcoholic and that would be the end of me. And my beveys.

3. Thank their hubby for being the best hubby in the world while their hubby is sitting right next to them. If I were to have a hubby, I would be hard pressed not to thank him for being the best hubby in the whole world. I mean hello. Clearly he will be THE best hubby in the whole world. Otherwise, this white girl will remain single for all eternity. Because this white girl only has the best.

4. Complain about bad service at restaurants. “Never eating at Applebee’s AGAIN!” I am pretty sure this white girl has engaged in this activity (but not over Applebees. I already know you shouldn't eat there). Usually I incorporate this point along with bullet point 10 and with telling everyone verbally what I think of a particular establishment. You should try it. It leads to great things like vino on the house, gift cards, and apologies. But only if it's serious. This white girl has no problem letting your establishment know she hates your guts because of your bad service.

5. Express their extreme excitement to see their best friends tonight, Brintney, Whitney, and Sarah!!! Love YOU GIRLS!! This white girl is about to do this RIGHT now. I am off from work today to Christmas shop with Kristin and Lisa. And I am EXCITED.

6. Take pictures wearing a lot of makeup and looking really preppy while simultaneously making a “hard” facial expression and holding up what they consider to be a gangster sign. Potential caption: ‘Straight thuggin.’ Here's my thing. What white girl doesn't want to be a straight g? Not this one, that's for shizzle. Some of my best portraiture is from my nights rolling deep, making it rain. (ps while the girls in the pic below are white girls, they are clearly not me so please don't get all confused thinking the deeze had gone Heidi Montag on you).

We're hard!!!

7. Take pictures of undeserving food. I only take pictures of deserving food. I have lots of creations I like to post. It's a secret ploy to get boys to think I am a great cook and would subsequently make a great house wife. So then they will marry me and I can post it all over facebook about what a great hubby I have. The best in the whole wide universe.

I effing love oatmeal!!! Mmmmmmm.

8. Make their status the song lyrics of any Kings of Leon Song. I'm not a big Kings of Leon fan but I do often consider silently stabbing someone with lyrics from Richard Marx. I mean, have you ever really listened to Endless Summer Nights or Should Have Known Better? Geeze I have some people those lyrics could silently stab in a heart beat. If they were my facebook friend, of course.

9. Take a picture of someone they deem inferior to themselves in some way with the question: Really? I do this often. Maybe I deem too many peeps inferior to myself. Or maybe I am just a b and like to make fun. But I will not apologize for taking pics of serious people wearing fanny packs, business men with mullets, or people who need to shave their hiney cracks.

10. Write angry letters to companies (Dear EZ PARK, I hate you!), unorganized groups of people (Dear slutty freshmen who think that leggings can be worn as pants..), and non-entities (Dear unseasonably cold weather, WTF?!) I did this to the laundry down the street. And I really want to do it to Occupy Raleigh. I drove by yesterday and yelled to them that perhaps they should think about occupying a job. Maybe I should post it on facebook. I know that will get my point across.

11. Subtly yell at no one in particular while being very specific. “Wow, it’s hard to believe that you think you know someone and then they turn around and STAB YOU IN THE BACK. Will never make that mistake again. EVER.” HA! White girl just did this THIS week. Do you think they got it? Do you think they know I was talking to them?

12. Document exceedingly mundane activites for the day. “Getting my oil changed today. Then getting much needed groceries. Then it’s off to the post office to mail some bills. Then stopping by the gyno. Will probably need some gas by the end, so I may stop at the gas station. But I might be tired so I’ll probably just get it in the morning on my way to pick up a prescription. But if I’m not very tired I’ll probably just get the gas on the way home. Again, unless I am tired.” I think this is dumb. Facebook is funny and shouldn't be taken so seriously that you update your every move. That's what twitter is for and precisely why I do not understand or care to tweeting.

13. Express their distaste for facebook on facebook and threaten to leave facebook to their facebook friends. I do enjoy the good ole facebook deactivate from time to time. You know how you know who your real friends are? Deactivate facebook and see who notices when you come back. Your REAL friends will be the first people to post on your wall.

14. Ask seemingly rhetorical questions. “It’s cool to do a bunch of meth and babysit 20 six year olds, right?” Every white girl should know it's cool to do meth and babysit at the same time. You know the Babysitters Club wasn't successful because those white girls were patient and awesome on their own.

15. Write a status in another language. Parce que, Je suis tres intelligente!! Yep. This white girl is known to do a french status from time to time (I speak french sometimes). I would advise all other white girls out there that if you want to make a status in another language, google translate is pretty good (but nothing is as good as what Bable fish used to be). But the best option is to have a friend who is a native speaker of that language to help you. I have some friends I rely on for this purpose that I am happy to share with you.

Love,

Mary. A white girl on facebook, guilty of most of these things.

**My friend Matt Damon (aka Kaitlin) collaborated on the trends of facebook with me. A much more detailed version will be in our book we’re writing. Which will be published….one day…

Monday, December 5, 2011

never the less (anyway)

Today I received this blog in my Inbox. Isn't it funny how sometimes, just when you are about to lose your mind, you get a second wind? like a do over. i needed to be slapped around. lately, i've been feeling very unappreciated. i've felt left out of some friends lives. i've felt beat down at work. i've just been...blah.

i realized today that at some point, i was going to have to get over it. i was going to have to accept that some things were just going to be this way. friends are going to change. no one is going to appreciate me the way i feel i should be appreciated. but it doesn't just stop at acceptance. i was also going to have to embrace it. embrace this attitude. otherwise, i'd stay in a bad mood. and i don't want to be in a bad mood.

and then I was reminded that even when I feel unappreciated, I needed to nevertheless [continue] to serve God wholeheartedly. My reward comes from the Lord, and He sees, and He knows, and that’s enough.

he sees. he knows.

and that is more than enough.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

funniest blog ever

i know if i told you there was a blog out there funnier than mine, you would tell me i am a false truth teller. i know it's hard to imagine. but my friends, there is.

http://textsfrombennett.tumblr.com



I wish my cousins were this awesome.