Wednesday, December 7, 2011

actually, i am a white girl

Lee brought to my attention this blog post that was brought to his attention (I'm sure by a white girl). And, since I actually AM a white girl, I'd like to expound upon these theories.

1. Take pictures of their feet. Yes. This is true. Although I am a white girl, I've never really understood this picture taking scheme, but since I don't like to be left out, I always participate. I have no less than 74 of these pictures on my hard drive. Yes. I counted.

This is what our feet look like!

2. Express their extreme annoyance at this work day today and hint that it deserves a much needed alcoholic beverage at the end of it. WINK WINK. Now. I know the following to be true. I am a white girl. I get awfully annoyed at the work day. And I enjoy a good bevey. But if I were to post on facebook about my desire for a bevey every time I felt the urge, my mother (also a white girl) would be convinced I was an alcoholic and that would be the end of me. And my beveys.

3. Thank their hubby for being the best hubby in the world while their hubby is sitting right next to them. If I were to have a hubby, I would be hard pressed not to thank him for being the best hubby in the whole world. I mean hello. Clearly he will be THE best hubby in the whole world. Otherwise, this white girl will remain single for all eternity. Because this white girl only has the best.

4. Complain about bad service at restaurants. “Never eating at Applebee’s AGAIN!” I am pretty sure this white girl has engaged in this activity (but not over Applebees. I already know you shouldn't eat there). Usually I incorporate this point along with bullet point 10 and with telling everyone verbally what I think of a particular establishment. You should try it. It leads to great things like vino on the house, gift cards, and apologies. But only if it's serious. This white girl has no problem letting your establishment know she hates your guts because of your bad service.

5. Express their extreme excitement to see their best friends tonight, Brintney, Whitney, and Sarah!!! Love YOU GIRLS!! This white girl is about to do this RIGHT now. I am off from work today to Christmas shop with Kristin and Lisa. And I am EXCITED.

6. Take pictures wearing a lot of makeup and looking really preppy while simultaneously making a “hard” facial expression and holding up what they consider to be a gangster sign. Potential caption: ‘Straight thuggin.’ Here's my thing. What white girl doesn't want to be a straight g? Not this one, that's for shizzle. Some of my best portraiture is from my nights rolling deep, making it rain. (ps while the girls in the pic below are white girls, they are clearly not me so please don't get all confused thinking the deeze had gone Heidi Montag on you).

We're hard!!!

7. Take pictures of undeserving food. I only take pictures of deserving food. I have lots of creations I like to post. It's a secret ploy to get boys to think I am a great cook and would subsequently make a great house wife. So then they will marry me and I can post it all over facebook about what a great hubby I have. The best in the whole wide universe.

I effing love oatmeal!!! Mmmmmmm.

8. Make their status the song lyrics of any Kings of Leon Song. I'm not a big Kings of Leon fan but I do often consider silently stabbing someone with lyrics from Richard Marx. I mean, have you ever really listened to Endless Summer Nights or Should Have Known Better? Geeze I have some people those lyrics could silently stab in a heart beat. If they were my facebook friend, of course.

9. Take a picture of someone they deem inferior to themselves in some way with the question: Really? I do this often. Maybe I deem too many peeps inferior to myself. Or maybe I am just a b and like to make fun. But I will not apologize for taking pics of serious people wearing fanny packs, business men with mullets, or people who need to shave their hiney cracks.

10. Write angry letters to companies (Dear EZ PARK, I hate you!), unorganized groups of people (Dear slutty freshmen who think that leggings can be worn as pants..), and non-entities (Dear unseasonably cold weather, WTF?!) I did this to the laundry down the street. And I really want to do it to Occupy Raleigh. I drove by yesterday and yelled to them that perhaps they should think about occupying a job. Maybe I should post it on facebook. I know that will get my point across.

11. Subtly yell at no one in particular while being very specific. “Wow, it’s hard to believe that you think you know someone and then they turn around and STAB YOU IN THE BACK. Will never make that mistake again. EVER.” HA! White girl just did this THIS week. Do you think they got it? Do you think they know I was talking to them?

12. Document exceedingly mundane activites for the day. “Getting my oil changed today. Then getting much needed groceries. Then it’s off to the post office to mail some bills. Then stopping by the gyno. Will probably need some gas by the end, so I may stop at the gas station. But I might be tired so I’ll probably just get it in the morning on my way to pick up a prescription. But if I’m not very tired I’ll probably just get the gas on the way home. Again, unless I am tired.” I think this is dumb. Facebook is funny and shouldn't be taken so seriously that you update your every move. That's what twitter is for and precisely why I do not understand or care to tweeting.

13. Express their distaste for facebook on facebook and threaten to leave facebook to their facebook friends. I do enjoy the good ole facebook deactivate from time to time. You know how you know who your real friends are? Deactivate facebook and see who notices when you come back. Your REAL friends will be the first people to post on your wall.

14. Ask seemingly rhetorical questions. “It’s cool to do a bunch of meth and babysit 20 six year olds, right?” Every white girl should know it's cool to do meth and babysit at the same time. You know the Babysitters Club wasn't successful because those white girls were patient and awesome on their own.

15. Write a status in another language. Parce que, Je suis tres intelligente!! Yep. This white girl is known to do a french status from time to time (I speak french sometimes). I would advise all other white girls out there that if you want to make a status in another language, google translate is pretty good (but nothing is as good as what Bable fish used to be). But the best option is to have a friend who is a native speaker of that language to help you. I have some friends I rely on for this purpose that I am happy to share with you.


Mary. A white girl on facebook, guilty of most of these things.

**My friend Matt Damon (aka Kaitlin) collaborated on the trends of facebook with me. A much more detailed version will be in our book we’re writing. Which will be published….one day…

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