words for your wednesday

today has been a real struggle for me. and by today I really mean the past few weeks. It's taken a lot out of me emotionally and I just feel a bit - I don't want to say dead, but it also isn't alive - inside. I've really been searching for the meaning of all of this. A coworker told me that I have to change my perspective and remember that this isn't it. This past Sunday in church, the visiting pastor did a sermon on Daniel. Remember him from the Lion's Den? God had placed him somewhere that would have been really easy for him to be misguided, unfocused on the bigger picture, but most of all, unhappy. Daniel had every right to be unhappy - he even had his balls cut off (whoever said you don't study the Bible in church anymore was wrong dammit!) yet he remained optimistic, faithful and respectful of others throughout his trials. The pastor then reminded us that if we are saved, we win in the end. And that's really all we need to stay focused on when life gets rough. I hate going to church and being forced to reconcile the sermon against my own life. Because I have not remained optimistic. I have not remained faithful and I certainly haven't remained respectful. I mean hello...I may or may not have gotten a talking to about my attitude and how it needs an adjustment.

(which of course reminds me of an ex who had a friend in high school named Brad who became a professional wrestler. His stage name? Brad Attitude. His signature move? The Attitude Adjustment.)

Today, I came upon this image on the interwebs.

The God who sees me. In the past few months, even though I've been going to church and trying, albeit failing more often than not, to stay in the word on a consistent basis, I think I have forgotten that He sees me. When I feel invisible, He sees me. When I feel unlovable, He loves me. When I feel like I don't deserve another chance, He covers me with His grace.

What a beautiful reminder today. How can my perspective not be forced to shift - even if it is just the slightest bit - at this?

El Roi. The God who sees me. The God who hears me. The God who loves me.

rip van winkle has awakened.

wow. i've been gone for a long time. i'm sorry i'm not sorry. had a little writer's block, been dealing with some crazy things and been falling in love a bit. but this slim shady is back in the hizzy.

speaking of slim shady, i moved about a month ago, and like any move, it gave me the opportunity to clean out my closet (see what I did there?). It also gave me the opportunity to sell things to strangers on Craigslist. Thank goodness for you, none of them showed up with a massage table and a knife.

I sold a grill (unfortunately not for your teeth) for a lot less than I had anticipated, but since the grill was given to me, and I couldn't take it to my new place, I figured it was a steal for me (and definitely for them). They hauled it away same day as cash and it was at that moment that I realized what a high one can get from wheeling and dealing on Craigslist (I'm sure this is what drug dealers say to justify their own business transactions).

I sold an inflatable Santa for double what I paid - srsly. The next time someone tells you you don't need that inflatable Christmas toy that Wal Mart only has on sale from 10-midnight on Thanksgiving night, don't listen to them and you go on and do your thang. You'll be glad you did when you sell it for retail price to the unsuspecting parents of a toddler who just LOVES inflatable Christmas decorations.

I sold a light up pink flamingo under the same scenario, but this time it was to a grown lady who wanted it because it matched the others she had at her beach house. I regretted that sale as soon as we drove out of the public parking lot we had selected for our meeting, so I really hope I don't rent her beach house one day. Because if I do? That sucker is mine again.

I sold a pair of red ice tubs, a set of skis, a ski helmet, and ski goggles. All separately of course in order to maximize my cash earnings.  I even met a dude in the Best Buy parking lot after dark to do a trade. Hey, being a real slim shady doesn't mean situations don't get shady.

But probably my biggest closet cleaning came after the move, when I just didn't know what to do with all my stuff. Since I was too tired to post things on eBay or Craigslist, I decided to put everything into bins and take it to Eli when we met for a basketball game. It was definitely the end of an era. Or maybe an error. Or several errors. You be the judge.

Eli was gifted many treats, including but not limited to:

 a tall bedazzled Panthers hat that I went to a lot of trouble to steal, err, I mean obtain. It involved an order of four vodka shots and a promise to return the hat. Sorry Charlie but it's been five years and I've still got it. Wait, no I don't. Now Eli does!

 One extra large, extra long lei. a dream come true.

Who doesn't need a birthday cake costume!!!

some light up Kanye glasses.

Amongst other things, she also received some curtains (hope she likes green!), a cute Shabby Chic basket, and an unopened box of glow sticks. Truth be told, if Eli were planning to attend a rave, she'd be set. But really, and it's only been in writing this blog that I have realized how much of a bandit Eli made out like with this treasure trove. And further truth to be told, I probably shouldn't have been so cavalier in my gifting this year.  I may need to make like an Indian and get some of that stuff back. who knows what might happen this weekend.