Monday, April 23, 2012

big balls

Several years ago, I was involved in organizing a kickball team for a group from work. It was a fantastic team compiled of only  my friends. We named ourselves "Big Red Balls" and had an email alias of slownbouncy (further proof of why it's good to be in with the helpdesk guys). One of our team mates designed shirts and we were basically the shit. As in the shittiest team in the league. I mean, we looked good but that doesn't mean we played good. We thought we were awesome but I definitely don't remember actually winning a game. I do however remember Kim and I getting into a verbal altercation with the bees from the chuck norris team. I also remember getting told by my teammates if I didn't quit socializing, and actually start playing, I was going to have to leave the team. Needless to say, Big Red Balls didn't last past that season that I can remember. But not before I rewrote the lyrics to Big Balls by AC/DC and supplied everyone with their own copy of lyrcis. Kinda like a Cameron Crazie getting ready for a Dook game.

I've got big (red) balls  
I've got big (red) balls  
And they're such big (red) balls  
fancy big (red) balls  
And he's got big (red) balls,
And she's got big (red) balls, 
But we've got the biggest (red) balls of them all! 

And speaking of big balls, that brings me to my next little nugget. And to be honest, I'm quite surprised (and disappointed) at myself for not blogging about this sooner. Balls make everything awkward, especially when you're in 7th grade Speech and Debate class in the ghetto of Charlotte. My teacher was this very large woman; I believe her name was Ms. Mason but I really don't remember.  Every day she gave us a topic for us to debate or give an unprepared speech about. With absolutely no direction at all. You may ask why we never got any direction and that is a very good question. I can only surmise that it is because every day, while we had to get in front of the class to give an impromptu debate or speech, she sat in the back with an 8 inch tv and a box of fried chicken. Y'all. Not even I can make this up. And while we gave our impromptu speeches or debated horribly with one another, she sat in the back of that room, watching day time tv and sucking on chicken bones. The only commentary we got from her peanut gallery was when she would look up and yell "LET ME SEE YOUR BALLS!" I finally got the nerve - err, balls - to ask her why she kept screaming that at us. She responded with "well, how else are you going to learn to make eye contact?"  To this day, I am completely bewildered as to how screaming at a bunch of awkward, puberty stricken 7th graders to show you their balls seemed like a good idea. 

One thing is for sure, every time I give a presentation, I imagine that woman sucking on her chicken bones in the back of the room while screaming at me to show her my balls.

Friday, April 20, 2012

a terrier wakes up like they've had 4 cups of coffee already

a recent study has determined that the type of dog you have says a lot about your personality.
"People tend to report that their dog's personality is quite similar to their own, but we wanted to see if these stereotypes actually stand up to scrutiny," said study author Lance Workman, a psychologist at Bath Spa University in the U.K.Using an online survey, Workman and colleagues probed the personalities of 1,000 dog owners and found some surprising trends."Among the owners of seven breed groups, there were differences in personality," said Workman, who is presenting the study today at the British Psychological Society annual conference in London.

Toy Dogs
People who owned toy dogs, like Chihuahuas or Yorkshire terriers, were more agreeable, more conscientious and more open to new experiences."Openness to new experiences is sometimes lumped in with intelligence," said Workman. "There's this view that people who own toy dogs are air heads, so this was quite nice to see."
Celebrity toy dog owners include Paris Hilton, who has a Chihuahua named Tinkerbell. The breed is known for its confidence and sense of self importance, according to the AKC.

The good news is, this proves what I've been promoting for my whole life: I am more agreeable, more conscientious and more OPEN than the average joe. and lets' not forget clearly intelligent. The bad news is, it lumps me in the same category as Paris Hilton. But then again, I guess we both do love In-N-Out. Haters gone hate.

emails with my mother

you gotta love a mom whose down with pac.
From: Meredith Robertson
Sent: Friday, April 20, 2012 2:22 PM
To: Debbie K. Robertson
Subject: Re: hey

i did. why do you think i asked you to loan me some money?

Meredith Robertson
Senior Bid Desk Specialist

From: "Debbie K. Robertson"
To: "Meredith Robertson"
Sent: Friday, April 20, 2012 2:19:21 PM
Subject: hey

Did you see that there is a hologram show of tupac

Thursday, April 19, 2012

facetime schmashtime

real live proof of why i find facetime to be so awkward. and yes, this may or may not be my brother. additionally, if you can't figure out why this would make me feel awk, then i hope you can figure out why you are now dead to me. i will give you a hint. everyone my whole life has told Lee and me we look like twins. whenever i facetime, i feel insecure because my face takes up the WHOLE screen while my facetime mate gets a cute little box at the top.

pretty much, this is what i look like when i facetime. and you people wonder why i don't wanna facetime your face!

thought for the day.

today, while txting someone that I could rap mc hammer, my phone autocorrected rap to tap. so i sent a txt that said "i can tap mc hammer."

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

root little pig or die

It's a wonderful wednesday in the neighborhood. Why? because because because, leeboy is moving home.

He's been living rent free, just like a liberal, for the past 3 years in his ex girlfriend's (and former teacher) house. Except now the house has sold. So he's moving back in with mom and dad after graduation. the same mom and dad who are redoing the kids' bathroom. so for 6 weeks, he'll be sharing a bathroom with the folks. mom offered to put him up in an extended stay hotel and he declined. if you ask me, i think someone is gonna have to go to an extended stay insane asylum after this. so far though the jury's still out on who it's gonna be.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

the REAL rules

these are tried, tested and true. and if you are my friend, then you should have no problem figuring out which one is my favorite. and yes, i am aware that i am admitting i read these types of books. i love self help books. without them, i could never help you help yourself.


billion dollar dance off - more evidence

all you need is a high five, some fist pumping, and some synchronized struttin.

thought for the day.

The grass isn't greener on the other side. It's greener where you water and fertilize it.

my FL friends didn't throw me a NC themed party for nothin'

(nor do they want me to come visit them just so I can push the buggy at the market for them)

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

more of my life

only this time, it's defined by the worst album covers of all time. where do people find this stuff and why am i not finding it first? better yet, i'm starting to get a complex. someecards and now the worst album covers of all time both have a lot to say about my life.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

happy birthday krissy t!

Dear Krissy T - I hope your day is as awesome as the night we hung out with Mary Kate and Ashley. Love, Mere Mere.

I found out what the secret to life is - friends. Best friends.
~ Fried Green Tomatoes

sometimes someecards is my life

Keep the change you filthy animal

This is my dad's latest tenant. I'm annoyed. I sure hope he upped the rent! but if anything, at least it provides me with plenty of opps to quote home alone. and honestly, that makes it all worth while.

Monday, April 9, 2012

and then some

Steven Furtick defines three types of people in his "And then some" blog:

1. bare minimum mentality people. They’re D- people. Doing enough to pass, but nothing more. They spend the bare minimum time with their spouses that it takes to appease them. They turn in work that meets the bare minimum requirements. And then they wonder why their marriage sucks, they never get a promotion, and they can never find fulfillment in life. It’s because a bare minimum mentality reaps bare minimum rewards.

2. good enough people. They’re B, maybe B+ people. They turn in good work that shows effort. They do the routine daily and weekly duties that sets you up for a good marriage. But they leave it at that. They get the ball 80 yards down the field, but because they aren’t willing to put in extra effort, they usually settle for a field goal, which is good. But they could have gotten a touchdown, which would have been great.

3. world-class drive people. They’re A+ people. Good enough isn’t good enough for them when they know they have greatness in them. As a result, they generally have great jobs, great marriages, and greater fulfillment.

Here's the thing. I consider myself a #3 in most areas of my life. I give fully to my family. I give fully to my friends. I give fully to the people I date. I give fully to my job. I am often exhausted physically and spent emotionally. I give so much of my energy and my time and my focus - my focus! - to the things I hold with utmost importance. I've realized that this ability to concentrate causes me to turn people into idols, which isn't fair to me or to them. And it certainly isn't biblical. I'm not perfect, but I expect perfection from others. I give what I expect back. Because I want to grab the world by its horns and take advantage of all it has to offer, I expect people to want to grab me by the horns and hold on tight. And when I give and give and don't receive the same effort, focus or respect in response, my world falls apart.

Here's the (tough) thing though. The more I give and give, and focus and focus, and try and try in every other aspect of my life, the less I turn to the Lord (and the craizer I feel). The less I pray. The less I focus on Him. So maybe I need to learn to be a #3 in that part of my life too. Maybe the whole point is that if I am living with an “and then some” mentality then I need to make sure I am living with it in ALL areas, especially in the God area. If I am rejecting mediocrity from others, then why am I allowing it - in any way shape or form - in my own life?

It's time I become a #3 all around, not just in the easy parts I can attempt to control.

thought for the day.

the people we love the most, we serve the least.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Kim and kanye

Apparently Kim kardashian and kanye west are dating. Talk about a power couple. A power stupid couple.

Speaking of stupid, I will never forget when Barbara Walters interviewed kanye and asked him what he wanted people to know about him. His reply? "that I'm black." umm REALLY k? My friends and I tried to incorporate it into our vocabulary. If we were wearing a black shirt, we would say we were sporting kanye. Except it just didn't ever really catch on.

kanye=lame. but hey, at least she ain't messin with no broke nigga.

pre billion dollar dance off

From time to time, Lee documents the ivy league caliber txts I send him, such as the one he received yesterday from me. and you people wonder why I believe in Open Source.

I'm walking into our billion dollar celebration. Surf simulator, karaoke and sumo wrestling here I come. And don't forget the Lagoon of Doom.

--A text from Merdeezy, on her day at work today.

instant good cheer

13 Simple Steps to Get You Through A Rough Day (the below gave me immediate and complete satisfaction)

Step 1. Print this picture and hang it over your desk

Step 8: Be happy that you aren't one of these people

Also, where in the world do they have kick a ginger day? That's pretty mean. But pretty funny all at the same time. Look at that kid!

billion dollar dance off

yesterday my company held its billion dollar celebration. besides stuffing my face with food from around the world and no less than 4 bowls of make your own ice cream sundae deliciousness (not to mention the flowing wine and beer...go america!), i had a massage and then proceeded to shake all of my tail feathers. for FIVE hours. Somewhere in there, I sang ice ice baby on karaoke, demonstrated for all how to bake a cake and made eyes at the drummer in the live band. And you know 12 seconds with a white girl came out not once, not twice, but approximately 39 times.

i will say this. next time i have a billion dollar dance off, i'm not going to wear jack rogers. Jack may be cute but he is not comfy. but you can bet your billion dollar bill i will wear my sunglasses for the entirety of the celebration, and not just at the end.

Also, I have a question for you. While I was doing the cupid shuffle with 74 of my coworkers, what were you doing? because i'm gonna go out on a limb here and say you were probably working. at your desk. sorry about it.

ps - there is apparently video evidence of the billion dollar dancing. stay tuned.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

the mayor's decree

So, you know how Eli is moving into a big girl apartment? Well it's happening this weekend. I've called her several times to taunt her with thoughts of hand me downs I would like to share with her (she has informed me she is not interested in my trash). I guess she's been getting lots of taunts from various family members though because tonight we all received the following decree. And obviously I have some comments (provided for you in green). Not to mention that I find it pretty inconsiderate of her to not solicit comments and or concerns.

(please disregard the grammatical errors. the fact that she is a for real newspaper reporter is neither here nor there)

To my loved ones:
The following is a brief overview of rules and expectations for my big move saturday.
1) their will be no arguments. My apartment, my rules. Under no circumstance will anyone argue with me about furniture placement, decor, or apartment accessories. Violation of rule one will result in a 100 dollar fine....u s currency, not monopoly money. i think it's a great idea that no one should argue. she clearly hasn't met herself. we all know that i don't argue with anyone so long as people obey me. besides, most of her furniture is old furniture of mine. so it goes without saying that i will know how to stage her new apartment better than she. i also appreciate that she only accepts USD. she's clearly not planning on actually accepting money on move in day because if she were, she'd be smart and accept whatever form of payment we could give her. These are tough times and I have a fresh carton of eggs.
2) furniture will e unloAded and moved according to my preference. I want to start with the furthest room forward (closet, bathroom, bedroom, kitchen, living area) no exceptions. Violation of rule 2 will result in a 200 dollar fine. How much furniture is she planning to put in the closet? Can we really be fined two hundy for not putting furniture in the bathroom? Seems to me we'd get fined if we DID put furniture in the bathroom. Might make it hard to do your business, if you know what I mean.
3) everyone Will eat a hearty breakfast. Protein, fiber and limited sugar. Breakfasts must be approved my me by Friday at 10 pm. Don't play aroun with your belly, keep it full, keep it focused. Violation of rule 3 will result in a $300 fine and a lot of toms brand crackers I imagine Aunt Jemima wrote "don't play around with your belly, keep it full, keep it focused." Also, it is important to note that the ONLY reason Eli even knows about Tom's crackers (which are like eating vomit by the way) is because once, on a very delightful trip from Charlotte to Nashville, Eli got very angry. I guess it's safe to say her belly was not full and it was certainly not focused. She refused - REFUSED - to eat her mcdonalds breakfast and instead threw her blanket over her head and began to wail. While she was crying under her blanket like a banshee (really we have absolutely no idea why), I ate both her mcdonalds and my mcdonalds. In a fit of rage at this discovery, she tried to show me by dumping my drink out the window. Only it flew back into her eyes. She was so hungry she couldn't see straight, never mind the tears that wouldn't stop flowing. We stopped at the next rest stop and Mom said she would get Eli a treat from the vending machine. Eli started smiling like a cheshire cat, all happy thinking she was going to get some candy. Except then mom came back with a package of Tom's crackers (because really, why would they have Lance crackers at the rest stop?). And Eli had to eat them. While I laughed and laughed. And discussed how one mcdonalds breakfast is good but two is nothing short of delicious.
4) their will be no texting while drivin or driving like a maniac. If someone threatens to call the bar association, or another "boss" u will nod and keep on driving. Safety of goods is our first priority followed by safety of people. Violation of rule 4 will result in a $400 fine. I am very mature on car rides and have never threatened to call anyone's boss (probably because I am the boss) but if I remember correctly, Lee was almost 32 and Eli was 22 when this very scenario happened. It may or may not have been just a few weeks ago. Plus, txting while driving is illegal in these parts. and none of us support breaking the law. ever.
5) finally, you are expected to act like the grown adult your boss thinks u are. No funny business. If you have an attitude, u will take a walk and be charged $20 per minute of stress or annoyance u have caused. who is the judge of how many minutes I have been annoyed or stressed? I know myself, and I know the others selves in my family and I'm pretty sure I am the one who will be coming home rich on move in day.

This should be a stress free trip and move, if u can't accommodate, DO NOT COME. If you get mad and claim " I have other stuff I could be doing, go do that instead. But do not screw. Up my move. Hek your attitudes at the door. I suggest lee bring a few Hundreds just in case. I think it is important to note that this entire letter can be summed up with this last sentence: I suggest Lee bring a few hundreds just in case.

Good day.

Sent from my iPhone The best part? Eli won't even be there on move in day! She has to work.

Thought for the day.

facebook musings

it's nice to know you're missed every once in awhile.

Monday, April 2, 2012

confession of the day.

i hate disney world.

like, i want to beat it to a pulp. i want to poke disney world really hard and push it over. and maybe kick it in the knee caps.

this b once told me i was a grinch because i hated disney world.

the good news is, i'm ok with this. and my kids will be too. just like the parents who never feed their kids mcdonalds, mine won't ever be fed disney world.

and they will be clean. the will not be clausterphobic. and they won't ever have to feel sorry for themselves that they were too short for a real ride and had to spend all their time in a tea cup spinning around getting dizzy.

ain't no spring chicken no mo

i'm sure you've heard me lament from time to time about getting old. my knees hurt. my feet hurt. my head hurts. i have 3 gray hairs upon my head. i don't have the same desires i used to (i'm talking about staying out late oogling cute boys at the bar people and that's the only desire i mean).

this weekend, in the midst of my lamentations to my mother, i had an epiphany. What if I just start telling everyone I'm only 26, instead of 29? I mean, I do still take my laundry home on occasion (ok, ok, so on every occasion that involves me staying overnight) and I love hitting the ole pops up for some cash money. Because she is nothing if not supportive, my mother replied with "well Meredith, that sounds like a good idea. You probably wouldn't feel so bad about yourself if you were younger."

So just like I used to throw my mama under the bus when I didn't want to do something my friends wanted me to do - you know, the old "my mama said I can't" excuse - I am gonna say that next time you ask how old I am, and I tell you I'm 26, it's because my mother said it was ok.

I already know being young is going to feel so good. Why even now, I have a spring in my step and a gleam in my eye (not to be confused with santy clause. because he's old. and i am not).

thought for the day.

srsly. my list of pet peeves isn't that long. but now i feel like Bon Qui Qui.

WHAT IS SO HARD TO GET PEOPLE! am i speaking french?

or is choosing to be rude simply the new black?