Friday, March 30, 2012

i've been had

today, i received the following email in my Inbox:

What happened to your Facebook account??? I have a scoop for you ... Justin Bieber is going to be a freshman at Duke next year. :)

Now. This is cause for some alarm. The Biebs is going to Dook? I hate Dook. But I love him. Do I love the things that are wrong in this world? Was he trading in his purple sneaks for a pair puke blue high tops? I am shamed to admit that for a second I thought, "no way would he be able to get into Duke." Then I thought "omg, he's going to be RIGHT down the street from me! Think of all the places he'll be that I could be!" And then I thought "I bet that whore selena will be hanging out in durham a lot now too." And yes, I did imagine converting (with little ease, i should add) the Biebs into a UNC fan. I went through so many emotions in such a short time frame that my heart is still trying to recover.

So I decided to go to the source. I googled this nugget of info. Found absolutely nothing (except that several Duke players are fans of the Biebs. Well done assholes. Maybe you're not half as bad as I thought).

And then I received this email in my Inbox:

Ok, take a deep breath. And don't kill me. It was an April Fools issue! I'm so pissed!

Apparently the Duke Chronicle daily newspaper released an April Fools issue alerting students that the Biebs was on his was to Duke in the fall.

What a bunch of baloney! I've been punk'd! But a Dookie newspaper that I never even saw! From now on just call me right - I've always said they were nothing but assholes over there in Durham.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

this girl

got herself a big girl job. in another city. with her own apartment. and then she had the audacity to tell me "i can decorate it myself!"

guess i'm keeping all these bed bath and beyond coups for this self since that self thinks she don't need me.

kids these days. they grow up and think they don't need your decorating skillz.


lottery schmottery

the NC Education lottery is up to something crazy like 465 million smackaroos. I have an issue with this. Since the lottery came into play (haha) in January, North Carolinians have spent over $15 million on lottery tickets.


Has anyone noticed that the schools still suck? And so does the economy. Oh, and gas is 4 bucks a gallon.

Don't get me wrong. If someone I know wins, you can bet your bottom dollar (haha) that I am going to be hitting them up for some benjamins. But it's not because I believe in the lottery. I just believe in a handout when it comes to myself.

Wait, what? That doesn't make me a democrat, does it?

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

by popular demand

because you ask, and i believe in excellent customer service, below is the series of pictures of my sweet little 6 pounder barbara the day she was so angry at me. it went like this: she fell asleep sitting up on the couch and slept for a good 5 minutes like that before i woke her up to go out. i started taking pics as i woke her. and here is what i received.

Monday, March 26, 2012

my 30th is upon us

2012 marks the year I turn 30. my dirty thirty. I called my mom to tell her I planned to go see Jerry Springer for my birthdizzy. "Now meredith. Why would you do that?" Because it's funny! She asked if I thought I would be able to find anyone to go with me. "Are you serious mom? Natalie will go. Lee with go. Eli will go." She didn't say anything for a minute and then said she couldn't believe I knew 3 people off the top of my head who would be willing to fly to Connecticut with me to see Jerry live and in person. And then I reminded her that 3 of the 4 people in my birthday group were her own children. She may or may not have started to cry.

Jerry Springer may have seen midgets, fatties, trannies, cheaters, cougars and freak shows, but he ain't ever seen us.

Friday, March 23, 2012

txts with Eli.

Meredith, you want to know why Mrs. xxx is annoying? I am walking Glenda with my white strips on my teeth and she wants to have a 20 minute conversation on the sidewalk.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

easy peezy mother effing breezy

I read a genius article today online. The 8 Easiest Jobs on the Planet. and it's official. Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem. You see. I don't actually work for any of these companies that have these easy planet jobs. But I qualify (and in some cases, am probably overly qualified) for these jobs.

So now the question that must be asked is: WHEN IS MY SHIP GONNA COME IN?!

8 Easiest Jobs on the Planet (and why I should be considered)

1. Professional Sleeper. Contrary to the picture above, I can actually be quite cute when I sleep. You know, in those rare moments when I'm not drooling, or sleeping in the suite of a professional sporting event, or heaven forbid, hugging my Meredith pillow (speaking of which, it had it's first washing the other day! Tracie said when was the last time you washed this? I said "how old am i?" she gagged and put it in the washer machine). I am already a professional layer. I love laying around. I can imagine laying is only a stepping stone to sleeping. Now that is some excellent career growth if you ask me.

2. Chocolate Eater. Remember my post from yesterday about eating like a 7th grader? I left out the basket of chocolate I sneak a snack out of at least 143 times a day. We get free candy around here. And that is one benefit I am not going to pass up. They switch it out every quarter. I love second quarter because we get Reese Cups.

3. Cute Pet Aggregator. Umm, have you not seen Barbara? And before there was she, I know you knew there was he. (he being Pete.) And like I don't have ugly friends, it's not like I know how to pick out an ugly pet. And, I know how to be aggravated, so I'm pretty sure I can take a cue from all the people that aggravate me and use it on my cute pets thereby making me VERY qualified to be a cute pet aggregator.

4. Mansion Sitter. I already told you I love to lay and love to sleep. And it's not like I'm interested in doing either of those things in a shanty. I wonder if I could rake in twice the dough by sleeping in a mansion? Like killing two birds with one stone?

5. TV Watcher. Ok. This is getting ridiculous. I may be 2000 and late, but now that I have DVR, I've been dvr'ing the shit out of things. I seriously could watch tv for an entire month I think. Plus, Sixteen and Pregnant and Teen Mom are about to come back on. Hello lettuce!

6. Professional Know it All. Umm, I think we all know I've got this one IN.THE.BAG. I know it all about everything already. I know how you should live your life and how your friends should do things differently. My cousin called me a Boss it all once because not only am I bossy, but I am a know it all too. I bet that makes me overly qualified. Dammit.

7. Spa critic. This really should say Everything Critic. I love giving a critique. Especially when it results in a gift card or coupon for my troubles. Not my fault your lobster roll skimped me on the lobster. Or your masseuse gave me a bear hug instead of a body rub.

8. Resort Consultant. Ooo i love consulting. It goes along with being a professional boss it all. I can consult with you on basically everything in your life. But if you have a resort we can do it at? Even better. And much more relaxing for me since I already know your life is going to stress me out.

Bob Green's Best Life Diet says you should identify why you eat the things you do. I identified that stress causes me to eat fries. He then says you should remove that from your life. So, really, I should quit my job so I won't eat fries. I've really been thinking about how I could this. If I quit my job, I won't eat fries but I also won't be able to afford eating fries. Or salads for that matter. And I'm not about to eat bark for a living.

The good news is, thanks to this article, I can feel confident in quitting my job. Based on this, I can get paid just for being ME!!! And my mama did always tell me to just be myself after all.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

thought for the day.

my horoscope says today i should brush up against some unsuspecting hottie because i may end up in a major makeout sesh right then and there.

well alrighty then.


why is your mood ring ALWAYS black?

this is the meredith college class ring. there is a lot of tradition around it. YOU KNOW. you don't get it until you're a junior. it's a big offense (and an expensive one) to wear prior to ring dinner. There's a whole turning your ring portion of graduation. i mean, this ring is a big deal. and just to add to the tradition, I have my mom's ring. Yes, my mom went to Meredith. yes, my name is Meredith. Yes, I had a roommate named Meredith. yes we were both synchronized swimmers. But that is neither here nor there. It's important to note that I wear my Meredith ring every day. Usually I sleep in it. It's that big of a deal.

Now. I think we all know that every now and then I wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Hard to really imagine, but trust. it is possible. and it does happen from time to time. When I decided to move back in with my parents a few years ago, one of my coworkers asked me if this meant my mom was going to make me breakfast every morning before I came to work. I said "why would she do that? I AM an adult ya know." He said "Your mood ring is always black. I was just thinking maybe you eating breakfast before coming to work might be good for everyone around here." I was offended. Not that he would insult my disposition but that he would mistake my Meredith ring for a MOOD ring!

Aren't mood rings in the shapes of moons and stars and don't they cost like 5.99 at Claire's (as opposed to five HUNDY at Jostens)? And do mood rings REALLY tell you the truth about your mood?

And then.

One of my sales reps called me and asked me what color my mood ring was because he didn't want to talk to me if it was black. He didn't even know about my ring!

But apparently, what he DOES know about are my moods.

Isn't it ironic.

thought for the day.

it's been said that i eat like a 7th grade boy. i guess there really is no disputing that since last night alone, I walked to chubby's tacos where I INHALED a giant burrito. then I found myself at Cookout at MIDNIGHT last night. On a Monday night. What am I? A college boy now?

Someone is going to pay for this. I'm not entirely sure but I just have a feeling that someone, somewhere is going to wish I didn't have the diet of a college boy.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Thought for the day.

I think hungry howies may put roofies in their pizza. I crashed for 3 hours after lunch. Only other time I've crashed like that was after acupuncture. Or drinking.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

you shut your mouth when you're writing to me

today at lunch with my team, we were discussing my love of posting on the company email forum (i think forum works here) and how you shouldn't get me started on chick fil a or parking lot issues. My boss said it generally goes like this: someone sends an email that is inevitably going to start a discussion thread, you hear me laugh (because i am the funniest person i know), my boss says "uh oh" and then the next thing you know, I've joined into the discussion, usually with a rebuttal to the original poster's concern. (and yes, i have been accused publicly of not only drinking, but guzzling hateraid. hilarious!) None of my current team mates worked with me during my previous stint with the company, and because I didn't want them to truly miss out, I shared with them about the day I got scolded for sending approximately 64 emails quoting Napoleon Dynamite. So then another co-worker who was joining us for lunch reminded me of the time i got blasted on the interwebs for sending a cease and desist letter. i had forgotten about it. Re-reading it makes me laugh. I still remember getting an email directly to my inbox from a colleague asking if I was aware of the open source frenzy I had started (and flaming I was receiving). And because I don't want any of you missing out, I am sharing it below. all i know is - thank GOD for google!! (note: if you don't already google yourself, you should. it can be scary. but also really funny. especially when a picture of you from your first prom that you sent to your boyfriend in oklahoma (what?) pops up).

original letter posted here

frenzy found here

and if you still want more entertainment, just google my name and "cease and desist." it's a good break from the work day for sure. and you might even learn something about trademark law!

Monday, March 12, 2012

calling all NC State fans

hey NC State fans! All your crap is currently on special at the pet store. I talked to the store manager and he said the Duke crap would be marked down at the end of this week.

Nothing makes a case of the mondays better than seeing what is good and right flaunted at the pet store.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Thought for day.

Sometimes when the noise gets too loud, I go home. to the place Where I belong. Sing it daughtry.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

True American

I never doubted my patriotism until today. Granted, I've never given in to the very large urge to buy a corona bikini. And boy am I glad. Because today, i discovered something much much better: the Budweiser pant suit.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

thought for the day.

i have deactivated my facebook account (again).

i just don't even know

my parents are remodeling the kids' bathroom at their home. if you have ever seen the kids' bathroom, you would understand why this is such a big undertaking. we're talking shiny pastel lavendars, pinks and greens. there may even be a bubble curtain. I wish I was kidding. also, it is important to note that the kids whose bathroom this is include a 31 year old kid, a 29 year old kid and a 22 year old kid. tonight my mother was sharing with me the ideas she has for the remodel. I told her that I was so happy to hear this because that bathroom was so ugly. she replied with "well meredith, 21 years ago that bathroom looked good."

this reminded me of a guy I once knew named British Mark. He wore black skinny jeans before they were cool (um wait, still not cool), black high tops, had long flowing blonde locks and a dangly cross earring hanging out his ear. He was was the spitting image of fabio, if fabio had decided to join a hair band instead of a harlequin romance novel. Once during one of our Boston Market lunches, he was lamenting to me how hard it was for him to pick up women (I guess this is why he showed up at the company christmas party with a stripper he had met the night before. Again, I wish I was kidding). I said "mark, you look like you're from the 80s." His reply? "Meredith, I looked good in the 80s."

my bad.

fatty fatty two by four times two

speaking of drive thrus, Krispy K's and things I hate, one thing I do not hate is a drive thru. I find them to be delicious. One of my favorites is In N Out Burger. It's my tradition that as soon as I land at SFO, I get delivered to the In N Out on Millbrae for my californian delight. and i want it animal style thank you very much (like on the discovery channel).

This most recent trip was no different. Except on the way back to the airport, the cab driver took us to a different In N Out. And it was connected to a Krispy K. I thought I had died and gone to heaven. My heart literally was beating out of my chest. And no, it was not from the cholesterol. (and let's not even mention the fact that my mother cried laughing when i told her I took a cab to the drive thru. She told me I sure was a tourist. I am not in fact a tourist. I am from NC where the Krispy K was invented! All those californians are tourists. I am just a local. Doing it like they do on the discovery channel).

love and hate = fatty fatty two by four?

I hate a lot of things. Not people. Things. One of the greatest sources for my hate is my blasted iPhone. I hate its guts. It drives me crazy. it facetimes people when I'm nakey (i mean, this could be fun but it never happens at opportune moments), it mutes people when I'm talking (and let's face it - i should NEVER be on mute) and it auto corrects me at all the wrong moments. I mean, have sent the word fornicate to my brother.

However. As much as I love to tell people how much I hate my iPhone, today I got excited about it.

You see, Krispy Kreme has an app! For free!! The HOT LIGHT app lets you locate a Krispy K wherever you are. And it also tells you whether or not the hot donuts now sign is on. please be still my beating heart.

Now as long as the phone doesn't auto correct the street address so I miss the hot light at the donut shop, I should be fine. The only thing worse would be if I showed up and the drive thru lady had to take a pit stop in between taking my order and giving me my donuts, and the sign gets turned off in the meantime. And believe me. It's happened before so it could happen again.