Wednesday, March 21, 2012

easy peezy mother effing breezy

I read a genius article today online. The 8 Easiest Jobs on the Planet. and it's official. Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem. You see. I don't actually work for any of these companies that have these easy planet jobs. But I qualify (and in some cases, am probably overly qualified) for these jobs.

So now the question that must be asked is: WHEN IS MY SHIP GONNA COME IN?!

8 Easiest Jobs on the Planet (and why I should be considered)

1. Professional Sleeper. Contrary to the picture above, I can actually be quite cute when I sleep. You know, in those rare moments when I'm not drooling, or sleeping in the suite of a professional sporting event, or heaven forbid, hugging my Meredith pillow (speaking of which, it had it's first washing the other day! Tracie said when was the last time you washed this? I said "how old am i?" she gagged and put it in the washer machine). I am already a professional layer. I love laying around. I can imagine laying is only a stepping stone to sleeping. Now that is some excellent career growth if you ask me.

2. Chocolate Eater. Remember my post from yesterday about eating like a 7th grader? I left out the basket of chocolate I sneak a snack out of at least 143 times a day. We get free candy around here. And that is one benefit I am not going to pass up. They switch it out every quarter. I love second quarter because we get Reese Cups.

3. Cute Pet Aggregator. Umm, have you not seen Barbara? And before there was she, I know you knew there was he. (he being Pete.) And like I don't have ugly friends, it's not like I know how to pick out an ugly pet. And, I know how to be aggravated, so I'm pretty sure I can take a cue from all the people that aggravate me and use it on my cute pets thereby making me VERY qualified to be a cute pet aggregator.

4. Mansion Sitter. I already told you I love to lay and love to sleep. And it's not like I'm interested in doing either of those things in a shanty. I wonder if I could rake in twice the dough by sleeping in a mansion? Like killing two birds with one stone?

5. TV Watcher. Ok. This is getting ridiculous. I may be 2000 and late, but now that I have DVR, I've been dvr'ing the shit out of things. I seriously could watch tv for an entire month I think. Plus, Sixteen and Pregnant and Teen Mom are about to come back on. Hello lettuce!

6. Professional Know it All. Umm, I think we all know I've got this one IN.THE.BAG. I know it all about everything already. I know how you should live your life and how your friends should do things differently. My cousin called me a Boss it all once because not only am I bossy, but I am a know it all too. I bet that makes me overly qualified. Dammit.

7. Spa critic. This really should say Everything Critic. I love giving a critique. Especially when it results in a gift card or coupon for my troubles. Not my fault your lobster roll skimped me on the lobster. Or your masseuse gave me a bear hug instead of a body rub.

8. Resort Consultant. Ooo i love consulting. It goes along with being a professional boss it all. I can consult with you on basically everything in your life. But if you have a resort we can do it at? Even better. And much more relaxing for me since I already know your life is going to stress me out.

Bob Green's Best Life Diet says you should identify why you eat the things you do. I identified that stress causes me to eat fries. He then says you should remove that from your life. So, really, I should quit my job so I won't eat fries. I've really been thinking about how I could this. If I quit my job, I won't eat fries but I also won't be able to afford eating fries. Or salads for that matter. And I'm not about to eat bark for a living.

The good news is, thanks to this article, I can feel confident in quitting my job. Based on this, I can get paid just for being ME!!! And my mama did always tell me to just be myself after all.

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