Monday, January 30, 2012
Except none of us expected to fork over TWENTY SIX fat ones for one tiny mimosa.
Don't get me wrong. The strawberry was cut just perfectly to garnish our glass.
Only our glasses weren't glass. They were plastic.
And I'm almost positive that wasn't Dom Perignon in my drank.
We may think we're shot callers but we clearly aren't ballers. At least not at the W pool side bar.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
This was a game of truth or dare. if you did something wrong, you had to wear a sticker zit.
here's my thing. why did this ever seem cool? why would anyone sit around wearing sticker zits on their face?
truth tuesday: i'd rather just play a game of naughty truth or dare with a boy then sit around with a bunch of girls wearing sticker zits.
on another note, facebook is about to make this damn timeline mandatory. not sure i like that either.
the interwebs are starting to get freakay.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
Caller: Meredith, I have a question after reading your blog.
Meredith: uh oh. i feel nervous.
Caller: what is a handy?
Meredith: I feel embarrassed. You should ask the man in your life.
Caller: I asked my daughter. Is it a handi wipe?
Meredith: no. I feel real embarrassed. It's dirty. It's inappropriate.
Boy at my house: I will tell her what it is!
I believe this suffices for an awkward moment prize.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
At any rate, this week is a week where I'm having some financial conflicts within my head. You see, Living Social has Glamour Shots on sale. For $20, I could get $100 to spend on: Photo Session, Makeup Application, and Prints (Pay $20) or a Boudoir Photo Shoot with Makeup, Hair, and Wardrobe Change, Plus a Two-Image Framed Collage Portrait ($20).
Now. This is a good deal. I've always wanted to do Glamour Shots (proof I was deprived as a child. I have yearnings for these types of things). And even better is this deal includes a boudoir sesh! Who doesn't want to sit in their hankies for twenty bucks?! I really hope Glamour Shots has improved since Deb sold them to Napoleon's uncle. Otherwise, this may not be such a good deal. Sitting in your hankies is one thing but sitting in your hankies wearing a borrowed acid washed jean jacket is a whole other ballgame. Not to mention finding someone to give your framed portrait to. (Side note. Please good glamour shot images and count the number of jean jackets. You won't get anything else done today because you'll be counting for the rest of your life!)
But let's not forget the other good deals this week. For only twelve smackaroos, you can own your own shake weight.
Now, I don't know what you're thinking but I am thinking that this joker definitely got that buff by shaking his weight. No way would anyone mess with him when he's shaking his weight around. A guy that big could take you any day. All from shaking his weight and not looking like he's been passing out handys right and left. Plus you can tell by his face that he is serious about his shake weight (he actually kind of looks like my cousin Tyler, but we won't tell him that). I've been looking for a new workout regime. One that I could really stick to, really become good at, and possibly even train others. So why would I not take advantage of this good deal?
Amongst other things for me to consider: a portable hot dog steamer and a Scandavian elbow glove koozie. I mean seriously. Be still my beating heart because my wallet CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
"This is the the twenty-first century, so most men don't have a problem with women drivers. But there are still some old fashioned, chauvinist men who think women should leave the driving to the opposite sex. I don't know what cave they're living in. matter of fact, I haven't met any of them yet."
Steve. The reason you haven't met any of them yet is because they live in North Carolina (and parts of Florida) and are most likely related to me. You live in Cali and as far as I am aware, are not related to me.
These men don't live in caves. They exist! In real life! And they also tell Helen Keller jokes. I cannot tell a lie. Their jokes are funny.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
[disclaimer: if you are my mother, or if you think girls shouldn't do, let alone discuss, gross things, then you probably shouldn't read this]
I've always heard that you really learn a lot about people when you travel with them. Well, you also learn a lot about them when you live with them. Kristin and I lived together for several years. We had a lot of fun watching Lifetime Movies, dancing in the shower for our peeping tom neighbor Don, hiding from our Michael Buble lovin, submarine car driving neighbor man and engaging in general debauchery. One afternoon, I opened the pantry to find an entire case of canned corn on the floor. Now, at the time, I wasn't really into corn. (I wouldn't say I'm really into corn now, but I at least will eat it on a Mexican sally here and there.) Finding this odd - I mean, neither of us were pilgrims, as far as I knew - I asked Kristin why she had SO much corn in our pantry. She looked at me like I was a lunatic (and later called me one when I told her she needed to get her cat under control. True Story) and told me she enjoyed eating corn.
"i don't eat corn because you don't digest it." I told her. (and obviously my not eating corn has nothing to do with cornhuskin' at good ole Meredith College).
Kristin hadn't considered this and we began debating the pros and cons of eating corn. What if, we pondered, you ONLY ate corn. For an entire week. What would happen? Would you have golden poos?
We needed to find out.
Now, if you know Kristin, you know that she is very beautiful and always had a plethora of men at her beck and call. We decided her friend Ken would be the perfect person to test out our theory. We called him up and with the promise of a date, he agreed to do it.
And then Kristin started dating his best friend. Needless to say, we never did find out what would happen if you only ate corn for an entire week.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Except, Beyonce just had Jay-Z's baby. And he released a rap about it.
This takes push presents to a whole new level.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Tip #1: do not go skinny dipping. Last time I was in Miami, some of my friends got in trouble with the law for skinny dipping. And I don't need my parents following suit. Not to mention that's just gross.
Tip #2: do not become a kardashian just because you are in Miami.
Tip #3: go to the Delano. Have a drink by the pool. Perhaps engage in a dance off.
At 6p last night, mom called to ask if they could go to The Delano already. No, I told them. Stop being lame and wait until dark. At 7:30p, they called again to ask if they would be lame if they went on over. Go get dessert, I said, and then go by there.
This morning, I called to find out how their Delano experience was. Their response?
we aren't sophisticated like you. We walked through and saw it, then went to Walgreens. We had a better time at Walgreens.
Friday, January 6, 2012
i really hate the super bowl.
the commercials aren't funny. it's not like i care who the teams are.
except when I asked who was in it, someone replied with "it's probably NC State. Those guys win everything."
spoken like a true UNC fan. made my day. and now, I just might watch the super bowl.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Naturally our conversation turned to our love languages. I am tied between words of affirmation and quality time. But I'd say words of affirmation is much stronger. I've been told I'm needy, I've been told I'm high maintenance. I've been told I need reassurance. But it wasn't until I really studied what words of affirmation meant that I realized I just need to be reminded I am loved, cared for, missed, thought of. But, it would be unfair for us to not recognize that some people need this more than others. It doesn't make it a bad trait. It's just the love language we speak. In the book, Gary Chapman says two things that are important (but not only two): 1. love is a choice. and b) people with different love languages can work but they have to be willing to learn the other's love language.
So Natalie and I realized that maybe in seeking to be the person we want to find, we need to learn to speak other love languages (as in we need to be more willing to approach it from the other's point of view). Obviously, because we already know how to speak our own love language, we approach relationships from that language. Because I am words of affirmation and quality time, I like to affirm others and spend time with them. But, If I know someone's love language isn't either of those (all you have to do is watch and learn. It doesn't take long for the love language to reveal itself), then how is it fair to that person if I expect them to know how to speak my love language? And if love is a choice - and I'm not talking love like in love valentines and roses, i'm talking love in general - then shouldn't we CHOOSE to speak love languages other than those that come naturally to us?
So then we got to talking about some of the people we have dated who may not have a love language at all. Is it possible that some people don't have one? I am among the most avid of love language believers and I'm not sure I can answer affirmatively that everyone has a love language. If the only person someone chooses to love is themselves, then how can they speak another love language? How can they speak love at all? If someone doesn't allow themselves to be loved by another, is that because they don't have a love language that allows them to speak to someone else? I really don't know how to answer that. If I believe that, much like a spoken language, love languages that are not your first love language can be learned, does that mean you can still learn one if you don't start with one?
do you have to already know your own love language in order to learn another?
does not having a love language make you incapable of love?
so many questions. these are the things i need a pocket theologian for.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
55 Things to Accept Right Now.
You cannot make them love you.
You cannot make them understand you.
You cannot make them forgive you.
You cannot make them accept you. Respect you. Be faithful to you.
You cannot make them accept themselves. Forgive themselves. Love themselves.
You cannot make them accept each other. Forgive each other. Love each other.
You cannot make them let the forgiveness in.
You cannot make them let your love in.
You cannot fix them.
You cannot save them.
You cannot defend them or protect them from everything.
You cannot keep them from being hurt.
You cannot make them give up that addiction.
You cannot make them accept your help.
You cannot make them accept the brilliance and beauty of who they really are.
You cannot bring them back from the dead.
Those you love are never really gone.
You are not broken.
You are not defective.
You are not alone.
The darkness called addiction, depression, lonely, anxiety – it lies. I promise.
It can get better.
It will get better.
Change is inevitable.
You have hit a turning point of infinite possibility.
There is a reason you are here.
You have a purpose.
You have a point.
You are powerful.
You are important.
You change people’s lives.
You are a good mother. Father. Sister. Brother. Daughter. Son. Wife. Husband. Partner. Lover. Friend.
You change the world, just by your very existence, just by being a full expression of who you really are.
You are loved.
You are understood.
You are accepted.
You are beautiful.
You are enough.
There is nothing wrong with you.
You are perfect, just the way you are.
You are brave.
You are strong enough to handle anything.
You will be given what you need.
You are capable.
You are forgiven.
You are whole.
You know your truth.
You know your purpose.
You know what you must do.
You are the architect of your own life.
You are going the change the world.
You are going to do your great work.
You write your own future.
There is no impossible.
Today is a new day. (Paula Abdul knew what she was talking about).
I pretty much got schooled in 2011. I mean, I love school. My bucket list has 3 additional degrees on it. It's all this other schooling that I got this year. I got schooled in starting over. I got schooled in expectations. I got schooled in what really matters. And I learned a hell of a lot more about myself. I feel like if you could get a degree in yourself and your biznaz, then I should have 3 PhDs like Spencer Reid. Only mine would all be in Merematics.
2011 got started with a big change and a fresh perspective on the next chapter of my life. I feel like I spent the year drifting through space. learning the ropes of a new job. learning to really trust my Heavenly Father that His plan is perfect and good. Learning that sometimes an apology isn't really what I need. Learning a whole new element to forgiveness. Learning that my gut is worth believing in. Being immersed in true, deep, meaningful friendships. Discovering what I really am looking for. And who I want to be. Believing and understanding that there is value in things I hold dear. Learning more, understanding more, accepting more, loving more. Learning more how to be a servant to others. 2011 culminated the past few years of my life. 2011 shook me to the core, stretched me further than I've ever been stretched and challenged me more than I really cared to be challenged. (let's not do a repeat this year).
So maybe, 2011 really wasn't really such a big old mess. I think Cher was wrong now that I think about it. From far away it seems like a big old mess, but up close, it's really not a mess at all. now. let's go party with the hate-ians.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Also, it's important to note that this is only one wall in the room.
every Christmas morning, we three line up on the stairs and wait. mom and dad inspect to see if Santa came. It's actually quite tormenting though. They oooh and aah, threaten to take things before we can see them, and then stand at the bottom of the stairs and ask us if we've been good boys and girls. Sometimes they even ask us our names and ages. In case you were wondering, Lee is 31. Eli is 22. I am 29. we've all been very good this year. And if a picture really is worth a thousand words, then all three of us look like we could use some assistance.
Is Santa really did come, and mom and dad have had enough fun inspecting our treats, then mom will shake the bell as loud as she can. And all hell breaks loose. We three jump up, race into the den and cheer at all the loot. And Christmas will commence.
the thing about that though is that it's really not my fault she has a car that makes no sense for her 3 grown children to ride around in together. and it's also not my fault that all 3 of her grown children share a bathroom when all 3 stay for christmas. i told them when I was 9 they should have built a bathroom in my room, but what do I know. neither of my parents rarely do what I say now, so you can bet your bottom dollar they didn't listen to a 9 year old Deeze.
but the best thing she said to me during my visit home? she reminded me that one day I would be sorry. Sorry because I won't have her to kick around anymore like she's Richard Nixon.
uhhh what? This made me confused. Why was she quoting Richard Nixon to me?
I did some research. Turns out she was correct in her quoting. Richard Nixon really did say that. He also told the media that he would not be doing any more press conferences. the good news is, if you know anything about my mother and her life lessons, you will be relieved to know that while she may not be Richard Nixon, she's not ready to stop giving press conferences.