Monday, November 29, 2010

Damn You Santy Clause!

All of my life, I have secretly wanted to be bad. More than Tyler Perry thinks he can be all by himself. More than being famous. I want to be bad. The Big Man Upstairs knows all of my bad thoughts before I even think them. As if this isn't pressure enough, freakin' Santy Claus watches me all year long and keeps a list of everything I do. You know the song lyrics: "he's makin' a list/checkin' it twice/gonna find out who's naughty or nice." I mean, this kind of threat is pure TORTURE for someone like me. Because if there is one thing I love more than anything in my world, it is GIFTS! I love little sercies. I love giving them. But I really love receiving them. Although I am a grown up now, I still have to remind myself what the season is all about. I love the Christmas spirit and the hope and joy for the world it brings. I love worshiping the One who is the reason for the season. But, not gonna lie, on Christmas Eve, I still find it hard to go to sleep and I still get so excited to wake up the next morning. We're talking fat kid in a candy store excited. All because I absolutely CANNOT WAIT to see what Santy brought me! if he even came, of course.

I once cheated on a test in 7th grade and lied about it. I got an F but Santy still came. I threw things out the bus window into passing cars and got kicked off the school bus for the rest of the year. But Santy still came. I beat my sister up and left my brother on the side of the road (separate incidents and they both deserved it), yet Santy still came. I skinny dipped on the youth group beach trip but I think Santy dutifully averted his eyes. Basically, nothing I have done in all of my 28 years has been naughty enough to make Santy's naughty list or even warranted a lump of coal. This makes me feel like somewhat of a failure. I mean, who doesn't want to be naughty? And please, say it with a British accent.

So, just for you Santy Clause, I've made a list of all the naughty things I secretly want to do but am afraid to do. Why am I afraid to live a little? Because I am terrified you won't show up anymore. And that is enough to make me never man up and

a. I'd like to finally key that car I've been wanting to key for quite some time.
b. I' am more than willing to steal some dumb kid's Justin Bieber concert ticket.
c. I really want to cut the coupons out of my neighbor's Sunday paper and put it back on their stoop before they wake up
d. I want to go 29 miles over the speed limit and actually not get caught.
e. I want to eat all the cookies I possibly can.
f. I'm thinking about laughing out loud the next time I see someone fall instead of keeping it to myself and pretending I don't think it's funny.
g. I want to play you in Clue, convince you I'm not cheating, and still cheat and win.
h. Breaking a glass window would be fun. Preferably with a rock.
i. I really want to get arrested. And spend a night in the pokey. That's like the epitome of being bad.
j. I want to skip out on paying my bills. forever.
k. I would totally drop kick an elf.
l. i will suck the helium out of all the balloons Party City has to offer.
m. I really want to play ding dong ditchum. Ever since my kid sister got caught running away, I've been afraid to try it again.
n. It's been too long since I egged someone's house.
o. Maybe I'll have a bar fight. I see a lot of crazy bees I just want to punch when I go out.
p. Maybe I'll start small and just pee in the pool.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

A Royal Mistake, err, Engagement.

There have been several articles written on the Top 10 Things You Should Know About Kate Middleton. So, I’ve decided to tell you the Top 10 Reasons Why Prince William Should Be Marrying Me, Not Her.

1. She is a Commoner. I am Royalty. Robertson means “Sons of Robert,” traced back to Robert the Bruce, King of Scots. This is a big deal people. This hasn't happened since like the 1300s. Way to go, Dub, breaking the tradition with a common street urchin.
2. She may have a proper and debonair British accent, but I have a syrupy sweet and genuine Southern accent.
3. While she wears wide brimmed hats to church and weddings, and pulls them off quite well, I am from the land of the Carolina Cup and can pull off a wide brimmed hat to work, the gas station and pretty much everywhere else I go. As a matter of fact, I’m wearing one right this very minute.
4. My bff Natalie and I had royal names growing up. I was Lady Meredith of Robertson and she, Lady Natalie of Carraway. Add a simple shire on the end of it, and bam, you’re a duchess. Lady Meredith of Robertsonshire, thereby giving me a MUCH more royal name than KATE MIDDLETON. How about Kate Middleofnowhereshire (which you know is her real last name). Yeah, not the same ring.
5. Believe it or not, I actually attended etiquette class in my younger years. I know how to properly set a table, cross my ankles (not my legs), and I NEVER sing at the table.
6. I have delicate and soft fingers so that 24 carat sapphire would look smokin’ hot on any digit of mine, not just my engagement finger.
7. I know how to shag, and we all know the British LOVE to shag.
8. I already know how to use the word “bloody” in a sentence. Typically when asking for a Bloody Mary, but nonetheless, it’s part of my vocabulary. I’m also more than willing to make snogging a word in my vocab as well.
9. She played sports growing up and apparently hasn’t worked since college. I still play sports and I have a job. Clearly, William would have to sign a pre-nup. I mean, I’m not going to risk losing any of my riches just because he is a PRINCE.
10. I have been practicing my wave for 28 years and and really want to sit on a throne and have a coronation. And dammit, I really want to wear that crown on my head.

Monday, November 15, 2010

I wanna talk about me, I wanna talk about I

It's that time of year again and by time of year again, I mean it's time for Christmas!!! I love love love Christmas. I love Christmas because it means tacky sweater parties, eggnog, cinnamon sticks for the heck of it, 24 hours of "A Christmas Story" and candlelight singing at the Christmas Eve service. It means listening to six weeks of Jessica Simpson and Mariah Carey. It means putting a jingle bell necklace around Pete's necklace and insisting everyone call him Santa Paws until Dec. 26. And, it means...Christmas cards!!!

I'm not the best at sending Christmas cards, but I sure do love receiving them. And, for the record, I absolutely refuse to call them "holiday" cards. With all due respect, I celebrate Christmas and if I'm going to send a card in the mail, it's going to be a Christmas card. I don't mind partaking in certain aspects of other holidays at this time of year -- my favorite is the airing of grievances at Festivus - but, I say Merry Christmas and send Christmas cards (when I send them, which is pretty much once in my life). I've always admired the people who take the time to send an update on their lives, along with a photo collage of their families. Sometimes these "updates" are short and sweet and to the point. Sometimes they are funny. Most of the time they are entire 8.5 x 11 pages of pictures and updates telling me how awesome the senders' lives are. They tell of promotions of work, marriages, babies, lottery wins, new cars, new houses, and anything else that makes them think they are more fabulous than me. I mean, let's face it: who actually sends a Christmas "update" that is anything less than bragging about themselves? Which means a Christmas "update" is exactly what I need to do since I love talking about myself. And right now, Shutterfly has a promotion going on whereby bloggers can receive 50 free Christmas cards. So, between another excuse to "update" people on the life of Deezy, and my love of a good freebie, you can bet I have decided that THIS is THE YEAR for me to send out Christmas cards.

The first one I love is the "Family Letter Blue" card. It has room for two of my favorite pictures (one of me, and clearly one of Santa Paws) and comes in red and (they call it turquoise but I feel it is Carolina) blue. So, everyone I know in NC would be satisfied with my color scheme. It also gives me ample room along the side to talk about myself and Pete and what we've been up to this past year.

The second card I love the most is the Sparkles and Confetti New Year's Card. A New Year's card is actually a really good idea and gives people a nice treat in the mail after the snow flurries of Christmas are over. Plus, I think this picture is really cute. Of course, if I chose this card, I'd probably feel like copying this picture pose, but with Santa Paws and me. Only, for New Year's, he might be feeling frisky and wanting to wear a dapper bow tie instead of his jingle bells. At any rate, a New Year's card is a really cute way to get someone's year started off right. Maybe I could list out my resolutions on the card, just in case you were curious as to what Merdeezy had planned for the next year.

And my third favorite is the Paper Ornaments Holiday Card. Even though it doesn't refer to Christmas, it does say the words "peace," "love," "joy" and "hope" on it. Those four words pretty much sum up the Christmas story and the card is really fresh looking. Of course, it could be the fact that I find the dad on the card smokin' hot, but either way, I do like this card.

There are millions of options at Shutterfly for all my Christmas desires to wish people joy this Christmas season. I hope you're ready, dear friends! Pete and Deeze are about to infiltrate your mailbox!! Hollaaa!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


If there is one thing I hate, it's a public restroom. Specifically, I do NOT visit the facilities at the Burger King, gas stations or Best Buys. I prefer to use the facilities at Cracker Barrel, McDonalds or any other upscale dining establishment.

I feel like needing to go to the bathroom is made a huge deal our whole lives. When we're tiny ones, we get cheers and candy when we use the commode. We grow up calling it different names like John and Johnny and believing the Porcelain Prince is fit for a king. In middle and high school, at least where I come from, you have to ask for the bathroom pass. Typically it's a large piece of wood that you have to carry with you to the bathroom. I don't know why except to make you a) feel foolish for needing to use the john and b) make sure you don't run away from school. But the only thing about that school of thought is if I were going to run away from school, I wouldn't just run away with a giant piece of wood engraved with the word "Bathroom" on it. I would at least make sure I had my backpack and keys. Also, at my high school, you had to call a school administrator to come get you out of class and escort you to the bathroom. Yes, my friends, we had to be escorted to the john. If we took too long, whomever the lucky escort was would yell into the bathroom to "hurry up in there, ya hear!" I mean, talk about embarrassing. What if you had a serious case of, well, you know what I mean. Because of the aforementioned issues with going to the bathroom, a lot of people, women to be exact, learn the art of the perch. They just...perch...above the commode and take care of business. This subtracts time from having to cover the seat with paper before sitting down. It also makes it impossible for anyone else to cover the seat with paper as it is a rare occasion that the perch actually gets things done quickly AND dryly.

I have never perfected the art of the perch. I think it's gross. I'd rather waste trees, and take up more people's time by covering my seat with paper. Except, sometimes I can see where the perch would come in handy. For example, if I were the tranny I came upon in the Best Buy facilities one wintry night, I can see why perching would be necessary. But the time I realized how imperative it should have been that I learn to properly perch was at my brother's college graduation. We celebrated that he was finally done with college by going to his favorite restaurant for a luncheon. I of course had to visit the facilities about the time I found myself in the middle of everyone just as we were seated. After carefully covering the seat with paper, like my mama taught me, I sat down and BAM. The seat slid to the left. I hadn't quite fallen off, so I scooted a bit to slide the seat back in place. But the seat didn't stop in the middle of the hinge and it slid to the right. So I scooted again but instead I incorrectly gauged the distance and the seat went flying back to the left. Seems like a fun ride, eh? Except it let me off in the middle, right into the commode. Now, this event made me feel badly for myself for several reasons. Not only did I manage to break the commode and literally fall in the toilet, but there was a splash when I fell. I also had a hurt hineymo, not to mention my pride. After collecting myself and making sure I had put soap and water in all the nooks and crannies, I went back to the table where my mother promptly and loudly says, "what happened to you? did you fall in?"

yes, mama. i fell in the toilet. shame on you for not teaching me to perch. or just stand like a man.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Virginia is Not for Lovers. and how about some Cheese.

On Friday, I received the following txt from my dearest friend, Emily: "just passed through Meredithville." This made me laugh as clearly it is the greatest city in the entire world (pop. 3,088). It also allowed me to reminisce on a summer love. See, his name was Austin. My name is still Meredith. There is a Meredithville, VA and there is an Austinville, VA. Why we are not together is beyond me. Another thing reminiscent of Austinville, VA is a trip my father took my brother and me on that has allowed me to never even think about eating Baby Bell cheese again in my life.

My dad had these visions of having tough little army men for children. He took us propelling in the rain (I cried), he took us canoeing down the New River (I cried), he threw rocks at us instead of baseballs (Lee cried), he hung chin up bars in our doorways (I cried and had 2 black eyes in the church directory picture), he taught us how to cold weather camp (we all would have cried but our tears were frozen on our cheek bones) and he taught us that above all else, we should ALWAYS be prepared.

Biking has always been a favorite past time of my family. We've all taken turns on the bicycle built for two, we've biked Tsali, the premier biking of the East Coast (it really is up hills both ways) and I'm pretty sure my dad used to own a unicycle (but I could be making that part up). We are the family that always has our bikes on the back of our car so we can be prepared for instant family fun on any trip. now, please keep in my mind, that as with most families, we all have similarities to one another. The most prevalent similarity is our hunger strikes. As in, when hunger strikes you better feed us or all hell is gonna break loose. And I do mean all hell. The best is when our hunger strikes happen at the same time. Five Merdeezy relatives on a hunger strike at the same time is similar to when the criminals got caught in "A Christmas Story" by Ralphie and his Red Rider Bee Bee Gun and they got outta that backyard lickity split. I don't know why that reminds me of us hungry, but it does. Nonetheless, I mentioned my dad taught us to always be prepared. One fine biking day, he led by example.

We went to Austinville, VA for a poke around Shot Tower Historic State Park. My dad is a history buff, so this was especially appealing to him. He had carried our bikes with us so there was absolutely no reason for us kids to be unamused on this day. After admiring the shot tower, we set out on our bike ride. Now, I'm going to be honest. I don't remember much about this bike ride except a really long bridge and some railroad tracks. The bridge seemed to stretch on for miles. And I'm pretty sure at this point in my lifecycle, I still had tassels on my bicycle (haha), so it's not like I was adequately prepared for this kind of voyage. And Lee, well, he's never prepared for this type of adventure. We got hungry pretty early on and I'm pretty sure we got into a fight pretty early on. Dad, always being prepared, pulled our bikes over on the side of the bridge and told us that because he just knew we would have a fight, he had come prepared with a snack for us. I looked around and had no clue where he would have stored such a treat. None of us had pockets, none of us had room in our helmets what with our big brains in there and we were all wearing running shoes. Until I witnessed my father bend down and pull out not one, not two but three Baby Bell cheese rounds out of his socks. I still might vom to this day. As if the wax around that cheese isn't bizarre enough to a tyke, the fact that it was warm wax around warm cheese was enough to make anyone regurgitate whatever it was that last went into their bells. He unwrapped the cheese rounds and handed them to my brother and me...and we just stood there completely bewildered and amazed. I believe it is safe to say I was actually speechless at one point in my life. No drinks to quench our thirst, just some warm cheese pulled out of a sweaty sock to satisfy our buds.

To this day, I have no idea what to make of this scene in my head. It's hilarious and concerning all at the same time. It's a good thing I think my dad is the most hysterical man on the planet because the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Because I am related to my relatives, there aren't many things I won't eat. But, because I am related to certain relatives, there are good reasons why I refuse to eat Baby Bell cheese rounds.

Monday, November 1, 2010

An Ode to Myself (on my birthdizzy)

In honor of my 28th birthday, I have chosen to divulge 28 facts (get it? one for each year of my life) that you may or may not know about myself.

1. I really, really love the smell of rubber cement, gasoline and new books. I am well aware that one or all of these things may lead to dead brain cells, but they all smell delicious to me.
2. I would totally go on a date with Nelly. But he would have to wear the band aide as I find it incredibly sexy.
3. I feel like every party should have a piƱata, NO MATTER what the occasion.
4. Additionally, I feel like every party should have midgets. They make everything much more fun and anyone who says they don’t is lying.
5. When I was 5, my pre-kindergarten teacher told my mom I was never going to have any friends because I was too bossy. Here’s the thing: clearly those 5 yr old punks (and my teacher) needed someone to tell them what to do.
6. I once slammed an ex-boyfriend’s car door so hard that it broke and never shut properly again. He deserved it.
7. My brother made me so angry one time that I told him to get out of the car, and he did. I left him in Chapel Hill, NC with a dead cell phone on the corner of the road. I still don’t feel badly about it. he eventually found his way back to Raleigh (a good 30 minutes away via car).
8. Speaking of me being angry, my sister and I had a fist fight about her prom dress. I sent her to work with a bruise the size of an orange on her arm. She wore the prom dress I selected and she won prom queen. She should be forever grateful.
9. I believe in dessert after every meal.
10. Everything in my life either does or would (if it were still in production) point back to a Seinfeld episode.
11. I sponsor a child in Tanzania. It’s amazing how little money it takes to ensure she has an education, clothes on her back and clean water. Getting letters from her fills my heart with more joy than sometimes seems possible.
12. I have surprisingly tiny feet and fingers.
13. I love the way eucalyptus smells. I’d love to have a spa shower that sprays out eucalyptus smells.
14. My fave home cooked meal consists of green beans from my mama’s garden, potato sally and cheeseburgers on the grill. Banana pudding for dessert.
15. I have a fortune cookie fetish and if I don’t like the fortune I receive, I will ask for another cookie until I get one I like.
16. I don’t believe in horoscopes or psychics, BUT I do read my horoscope daily and visit the psychics every chance I get.
17. I have a collection of homemade CDs and one of them has approximately 15 Mandy Moore songs in a row. I know every word.
18. I was a synchronized swimmer in college. Yes I was.
19. I have been told I’m like Sally from “When Harry Met Sally.” I’m the worst type of maintenance because I don’t actually think I am high maintenance. I’m just a different type of maintenance.
20. I hate surprises.
21. I love wearing bright pink lippy.
22. I used to want to go to clown school. Part of me still does.
23. I have won more than one costume contest. The best win? When I entered last minute in nothing but a bathing suit cover up and flip flops and said I was a bathing beauty.
24. I tell the funniest and most amazing pirate jokes you’ve ever heard.
25. Waking up in the mornings hurts my feelings.
26. Taking a shower is way too much effort most days.
27. All I really want to do is be a New York Times Best Selling Author.
28. If I had a real muff, I’d wear it every day. Even in the summer.