Monday, November 29, 2010

Damn You Santy Clause!

All of my life, I have secretly wanted to be bad. More than Tyler Perry thinks he can be all by himself. More than being famous. I want to be bad. The Big Man Upstairs knows all of my bad thoughts before I even think them. As if this isn't pressure enough, freakin' Santy Claus watches me all year long and keeps a list of everything I do. You know the song lyrics: "he's makin' a list/checkin' it twice/gonna find out who's naughty or nice." I mean, this kind of threat is pure TORTURE for someone like me. Because if there is one thing I love more than anything in my world, it is GIFTS! I love little sercies. I love giving them. But I really love receiving them. Although I am a grown up now, I still have to remind myself what the season is all about. I love the Christmas spirit and the hope and joy for the world it brings. I love worshiping the One who is the reason for the season. But, not gonna lie, on Christmas Eve, I still find it hard to go to sleep and I still get so excited to wake up the next morning. We're talking fat kid in a candy store excited. All because I absolutely CANNOT WAIT to see what Santy brought me! if he even came, of course.

I once cheated on a test in 7th grade and lied about it. I got an F but Santy still came. I threw things out the bus window into passing cars and got kicked off the school bus for the rest of the year. But Santy still came. I beat my sister up and left my brother on the side of the road (separate incidents and they both deserved it), yet Santy still came. I skinny dipped on the youth group beach trip but I think Santy dutifully averted his eyes. Basically, nothing I have done in all of my 28 years has been naughty enough to make Santy's naughty list or even warranted a lump of coal. This makes me feel like somewhat of a failure. I mean, who doesn't want to be naughty? And please, say it with a British accent.

So, just for you Santy Clause, I've made a list of all the naughty things I secretly want to do but am afraid to do. Why am I afraid to live a little? Because I am terrified you won't show up anymore. And that is enough to make me never man up and

a. I'd like to finally key that car I've been wanting to key for quite some time.
b. I' am more than willing to steal some dumb kid's Justin Bieber concert ticket.
c. I really want to cut the coupons out of my neighbor's Sunday paper and put it back on their stoop before they wake up
d. I want to go 29 miles over the speed limit and actually not get caught.
e. I want to eat all the cookies I possibly can.
f. I'm thinking about laughing out loud the next time I see someone fall instead of keeping it to myself and pretending I don't think it's funny.
g. I want to play you in Clue, convince you I'm not cheating, and still cheat and win.
h. Breaking a glass window would be fun. Preferably with a rock.
i. I really want to get arrested. And spend a night in the pokey. That's like the epitome of being bad.
j. I want to skip out on paying my bills. forever.
k. I would totally drop kick an elf.
l. i will suck the helium out of all the balloons Party City has to offer.
m. I really want to play ding dong ditchum. Ever since my kid sister got caught running away, I've been afraid to try it again.
n. It's been too long since I egged someone's house.
o. Maybe I'll have a bar fight. I see a lot of crazy bees I just want to punch when I go out.
p. Maybe I'll start small and just pee in the pool.

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