Thursday, August 18, 2011

you ever see a lion limber up before it takes down a gazelle?

In the past 3 weeks alone, I have found myself discussing the zombie apocalypse at a wedding, at work and at bible study. Now, let me just say to start with that I know nothing about zombies. I did go on a date once where my date had free tickets to see zombieland (no wonder it didn't work out...) and quite honestly, the movie was kind of scary. Plus, because I was working at a real estate development company at the time that developed tire stores and had just so happened to build one where the movie was filmed, I felt the need to inform my date in excess of 25 times that I had built a tire store in zombieland. But that's neither here nor there. So I watched the movie again and I gotta admit - Zombieland is HIGHlarious. and thought provoking. Since I have found myself engaging in conversations with other intellectuals about the coming zombie apocalypse, I decided it was time I do some research. (and I must give credit where credit is due. The above pic is of the husband of a friend of mine from college and his friend exercising Rule 4 - the doubletap. I know neither of them but I respect them). Because I have done such extensive research, I feel my label as Zombie expert is only fair. Besides, I love twinkies. And guns (I should probably not admit I didn't know who Bill Murray was until I began my quest for knowledge).

I have been very argumentative about the validity of the zombie apocalypse, but, not gonna lie, the Center for Disease Control is really what made me think the zombie apocalypse might actually be for real (I mean, why would the government lie to its constituents?). On May 16 of this year, the CDC posted a blog on emergency preparedness 101 for the zombie apocalypse. Now, because I am my father's child, you can understand why I might get a little secretly giddy over anything involving being prepared for an emergency. The thing that concerns me is that no one at the CDC thought to include a head globe to wear around your head to protect your brains. Everyone knows zombies love brains and won't stop until they get them. If the government can hand out canned water during a hurricane, then it seems to make sense to me that they would hand out head globes for everyone in advance of the coming zombie apocalypse. Speaking of things that make sense, it completely makes sense that cardio would be the number 1 rule of surviving a zombie outbreak. As Columbus says in Zombieland, the first to go are the fatties. Good thing I work out otherwise I'm not sure I'd feel as confident as I do in going Hulk on a zombie.

it is important to note that, "The CDC zombie plan includes no mention of shotguns, torches, hot-wiring cars, seeking high ground, traveling at night vs. day, or really any worthwhile strategy for keeping zombies out of your house." Now, I love a good blow torch (have I blogged about the time my brother tried to poke my eye out with one?) so learning that a torch might be a good zombie fender offer makes me extra excited. When googling "best way to defeat a zombie" however, I am given much better ideas. Most of them were probably made up and proven effective by Chuck Norris though, and since I'm no chick norris anymore, I'm a bit hesitant. But I do like bragging to my friends...except...winchester to the head? Egyptian obelisk? What the eff are these things?! My favorite (and most doable) options are smashing its head in a convection oven or running it through a wood chipper. Only problem is I either have to have a wood chipper (I don't) or I have to let to zombie into my kitchen (I won't). So perhaps carrying giant matches around with me at all times is the best option to defeat a zombie. I mean, who doesn't love setting things a blaze? I also found a suggestion that if you're trying to defeat a zombie, just go to Home Depot and you'll be OK...only time you'll ever find me willing to go to Home Depot for hours on end.

After all my reading, and now that I feel I am a zombie expert, I want to urge each of you to be prepared for a zombie apocalypse. do your research. know what could work and what might not work. and remember: it's amazing how fast the world can go from bad to total shit storm.

1 comment:

  1. Zombieland is a fantastic movie...definitely provides some important info with regards to preparing for the coming Zombie Apocalypse. As for the CDC, I'm with you on the whole head globe idea...though I find it quite possible that when faced with humans, zombies may just want to eat flesh period regardless of location. I am of the opinion that the Double-Tap truly is the best defense against a zombie. That being said, there isn't going to be an endless supply of ammunition in a time like that. So, my next suggestion would be something super sharp on a long handle (sword, scythe, baseball bat with a knife duct-taped to it) or some form of tool that could be used (chainsaw, hedge trimmer, brush cutter) to chop of their heads. I'm thinking fire may not work...I just imagine a flaming zombie continuing to chase after me. Who knows though...for all we know they could look normal and blend in until they decide it's time for lunch.