The Fail - A New Yoga Pose

I love a good diet. Especially a fad diet. As a matter of fact, every Monday, I start a new diet. Usually it’s something like no more soda (fail), no more thai food (fail), no more fast food (double fail), no more wine (you get the picture). If you want to feel like the prize for failblog.com, you should join my diet train. At any rate, at least I keep trying. My latest is a new and improved combo diet! I work out daily but am unable to run right now because of my shin splints. In an attempt to stay in shape, I’ve rejoined a Masters Swim team (master. That’s right. And don’t you forget it) and I’ve also joined a yoga program, so combine that with eating healthy, then I should be ready to play dirty jenga in no time. After a slightly uncomfortable hot yoga sesh that included my boss taking off his shirt, I got wind of a $40 for 40 days program. Basically, it’s unlimited hot yoga for 40 days. Basically, it’s intense. Basically, I’m probably going to die. But at least I will look good in that coffin! Holllaaa!

Now, yoga and I don’t really mix. Swimming comes naturally to me, yoga does not. Not to mention that the last time I tried a hot yoga package, I passed out. On my mat. And woke up very confused. For starters, I have a problem with meditation. Anyone who cannot sit still would have a problem with meditation. I have broken hand bones from being told to sit on my hands my ENTIRE childhood because I couldn’t sit still (wait, does that mean I have a large hiney mo that I broke my hand bones? But, I digress). Secondly, I have a problem not laughing when people don’t just say, but MOAN things like “ohm” and they breathe REALLY loudly, especially when they start taking their clothes off as the room gets hotter. I also have a hard time really listening to anyone who is probably baked out of their head telling me how to contort myself into positions that I’ve never seen. But, for 40 bucks, why not give it a go. As I’ve said, combined with swimming, I should be fit as a fiddle when my 40 days is up.

So far, I’ve had one teacher say to me “be strong, like a bolt of lightning” when I went from downward dog to dog on his hind knees panting for more water and a scratch behind the ears. The man literally picked my hips back up and repositioned me so I was in downward dog with a knee bent behind me. Awkward, no? And, since when is a bolt of lightning strong? A clap of thunder is loud and I guess could be considered strong, but a bolt of lightning is hot and zig zaggy and definitely not downward dogesque. This morning, my teacher announced that the goal was to “be in this breath. Right here. Right now. And to stay in this breath.” Well, that sounds like rainbows and butterflies and all that other hippie dippie crap, BUT, I’m not sure I want STAY in THAT breath. I’d like to keep breathing because that means I haven’t died from yoga yet. Now, while staying in THAT breath, right then and right there, we flowed (I can’t believe I’m talking like this) into crow. Above is a pic of what crow SHOULD look like. I am about 99.9% positive it is safe to say that I don’t look like that. I’m holding my breath for the teacher to come put me in this position himself. Oh wait, I can’t not breathe in yoga. You’re not supposed to stay in the last breath. Only in this breath. Right here. Right now. I feel like I definitely don’t have issues staying in this pained muscle, right here, right now. I AM SO SORE IN NOOKS AND CRANNIES I KNEW NOTHING OF.

At least I’m not in THIS yoga class. Check out the dude in the speedo. So many things to discuss here. Perhaps my next commentary should be on body hair. Because THIS is ENTIRELY unacceptable. i'd like to add a period for emphasis.