About 4 years ago, for Christmas, my kid sister and I both received a Carmen Electra Striptease Workout DVD. In our stockings. On Christmas Day morning. My dad was really eager to "see those videos!" I received Disc 1: Strip Your Way to Fitness. I don't remember which one my sister got, but I do remember her telling me how she tried to do the chair dancing and it embarrassed both of us when she demonstrated what she had learned. Now, these DVDs came out in 2003, and we received them in 2006. That means they were probably on sale for like 3 bucks a piece and my mom saw them in Target and thought they'd be a cute and fun addition to our stockings.
The first time I tried to strip, I failed miserably. Not only did I sweat profusely in my apartment, but when I tried to take my jacket off, I fell. That was all it took for me to pack up shop and declare I would never be a stripper again! When I moved back in with my parents, I took up pole dancing. I only went to 4 or 5 classes, but look, pole dancing is freaking hard and it's no wonder strippers have abs of steal. Clearly, if you saw me, you would know that I am no more cut out to be a pole dancer than I am a stripper with no jacket.
While looking for ways to burn at least as many calories as I stuffed in my face today, I remembered I had the aforementioned DVD. I'm an avid runner, yogi, swimmer and weight lifter, so there's no reason why I shouldn't be able to conquer this stripping thing once and for all. So, after a chug of water, and a few "you're a hot vat of burning love" and "you're a sexay machine" to myself in the mirror, I decided to give it a whirl.
This time, I made it through the stretching, managed to take my jacket off (hollaaa! sexay has arrived!!), and onto the next routine. About halfway through the second routine, you have to really shake your hineymo. Carmen even says something about the more dramatic it is, the sexier it is. Ever the drama queen, I shook my hineymo so hard it's a wonder I even have a hineymo anymore. I also managed to watch myself in the window pane, and I'm not really sure I would call what was happening in my living room sexay. After shaking it left, shaking it right and shaking it all around, you have to walk slow, then fast, then turn around, all the while being sexay by running your hands up your torso and through your hairs. Forget being sexay, I was so busy trying not to be dizzay that I found myself tripping over my feet. The real kick back to reality was when the routine calls for you to smack your hineymo, squat down (don't forget to rub your legs on the way down), and come back up (still rubbing your legs) and smack your hineymo again, only this time on the other side.
Now, if you're like me (which hopefully you're not, because that means you have absolutely zero chance of being a stripper either), your legs are so sweaty that when you rub your legs while squatting, it's hard to maintain control. On the way back up, you're more concerned with drying your hands on your shorts than you are with rubbing your legs on your way back to your hineymo. Luckily, I didn't make it though this too many times. I had the shakes so bad, I almost felt like a stripper (only, I'm pretty sure our reasons for the shakes are different). My legs were shaking, and sweating, my hineymo was red and hurt from spanking myself, my palms were clammy, my stomach hurt from doing a sexay stomach roll, and my head still hurts and has whip lash from shaking it all around. Not to mention there's a fabulous chance my back is broken in at least two places from my fall.
I'm afraid that stripping may have conquered me yet again. I subsequently feel really badly about myself now that I know I am not a stripper by nature. I love shakin my tailfeathers, but I might need to keep my feathers on from here on out. I really hope this doesn't cause problems for me at the nudist colony dance off next month.