Wednesday, February 23, 2011
This morning, I got held up at the traffic light behind a Department of Corrections van. It was in front of me to make a U-turn to go to the other side of the road, the golden side that contains multiple fast food restaurants in a row. Restaurant Row is what I call it. I had already woken up late and was running behind (what else is new) and since I use any excuse to go to the McDonalds, I was allowing myself an overdue visit to the fast food joint king of my heart. But, thanks to this Department of Corrections van, I was forced to run a red light while doing my own u-turn. At any rate, I quickly realized (because I got held up again and I don't mean at gun point) while turning into the McDonald's parking lot. The Department of Corrections van was going through the drive thru! I mean, so were a dump truck and a truck full of ladders but those are beside the point. While clearly I need to write a book on drive-thru etiquette, the thing that got me the most was the VAN FULL OF PRISONERS going through the drive thru. I quickly started rattling off in my brain things prisoners get that I don't. Additionally, things that we both get but I don't feel it is fair for them to get.
a. Prisoners apparently get fast food. Sometimes, I don't.
b. Prisoners get cable tv. I grew up without it and have only had cable during college and in the past two years.
c. Prisoners get to play outside for an hour a day. I sit inside during daylight hours blogging, socializing and occasionally working.
d. Prisoners get out early for good behavior. I behave good so I don't go to prison and I don't get extra treats. Or the course of my life changed forever.
e. Prisoners get tats. Granted, they are prison tats, but if I want a tat, I gotta fork over some dough.
f. Prisoners get jobs. A lot of people not in prison can't get a job and really want them, but prisoners get to answer the phone for the NC Dept. of Tourism, they make things, I mean shoot, even Martha Stewart made things at her job in prion. I know they don't earn a lot of money, BUT THEY STILL GET JOBS. (if you don't believe me, tell me and I will send you links to the documentaries I have watched on my cable tv in the past 2 years on prison jobs).
g. Prisoners get into fights. Do you know how much I want to fight someone? just once. Just because I secretly believe that I am g. But if I were to fight, I might go to prison. They fight, they go into solitary confinement. and honestly, being alone doesn't seem like a bad thing if you're cooped up in a cell with another dude and a toilet.
h. Prisoners get to work on the side of the road. I don't get to do this, nor do I want to do this - having a large guy on your tail with a rifle in case you break away from the group does not sound appealing, and I do owe the prisoners a thank you for keeping our roads clean (I always make sure to call the Dept. of Corrections and tell them thank you for putting the prisoners to work in public). I guess I sound like an oxymoron because I don't think they should get jobs while in prison but I don't mind them working on the side of the road. It's the PAYMENT for the jobs that I don't agree with. I am completely for chain gangs and letting them pull weeds and pick up trash.
i. Prisoners get to work out. I've heard rumors it's only for an hour a day but some of those prisoners are really, really large. So unless they're allowed to do steroids in prison, or doing my friend Natalie's prison workout on their tvs when they aren't outside working out, then they are getting more than an hour a day to work out. Sometimes, I don't have time to workout between working and obeying the law.
j. Prisoners get a lot of dates. Seriously. I'm thinking about going to prison because apparently that ups your dateability.
k. additionally, prisoners get marriage offers...I'm available if you don't want a prisoner.
l. prisoners get their lives made into Lifetime movies. Hello! Have you NOT seen my life? I am 100% Lifetime worthy enough.
m. prisoners CONTINUE to break the law even while they're in prison! they sell drugs, they get on facebook, they download music (hey lil wayne), shoot they even try to break out of prison! I take issue with this because as a law abiding citizen, when I get caught speeding, I try not to speed for at least a week. In other words, i try to obey the law after getting caught. they just don't care.
n. People dress up as prisoners for Halloween and sometimes make it sexy. No one has ever tried to dress up as me for Halloween. and no, it is not because I am already scary enough as I am. sexy, maybe. but definitely not scary.
o. Prisons get a lot of tourists. Even I have been behind the bars of Alcatraz. I don't see anyone coming to check out my digs or see what I go through on a day to day basis. And no one has ever written a book about me or sold sercies that are replicas of things I love.
I could go on and on but the more I think of, the more annoyed I get and the harder I pound these keys. I noticed the state penitentiary has gotten larger since the last time I lived here. Since being a prisoner seems to be the cool thing to do, I bet my selection of pen pals is awesome right now. However, because I like to be over the top and not cause my dad any worry, I am going to ride on up to Butner, NC (only about an hour away) and say hello to Bernie Madoff. I bet we could get into a lot of trouble together. And hey, if I get in trouble, at least I'll get to watch tv and workout all day, every day. and eat fast food!
Posted by Merdeezy at 11:09 AM