the mayor's decree

So, you know how Eli is moving into a big girl apartment? Well it's happening this weekend. I've called her several times to taunt her with thoughts of hand me downs I would like to share with her (she has informed me she is not interested in my trash). I guess she's been getting lots of taunts from various family members though because tonight we all received the following decree. And obviously I have some comments (provided for you in green). Not to mention that I find it pretty inconsiderate of her to not solicit comments and or concerns.

(please disregard the grammatical errors. the fact that she is a for real newspaper reporter is neither here nor there)

To my loved ones:
The following is a brief overview of rules and expectations for my big move saturday.
1) their will be no arguments. My apartment, my rules. Under no circumstance will anyone argue with me about furniture placement, decor, or apartment accessories. Violation of rule one will result in a 100 dollar fine....u s currency, not monopoly money. i think it's a great idea that no one should argue. she clearly hasn't met herself. we all know that i don't argue with anyone so long as people obey me. besides, most of her furniture is old furniture of mine. so it goes without saying that i will know how to stage her new apartment better than she. i also appreciate that she only accepts USD. she's clearly not planning on actually accepting money on move in day because if she were, she'd be smart and accept whatever form of payment we could give her. These are tough times and I have a fresh carton of eggs.
2) furniture will e unloAded and moved according to my preference. I want to start with the furthest room forward (closet, bathroom, bedroom, kitchen, living area) no exceptions. Violation of rule 2 will result in a 200 dollar fine. How much furniture is she planning to put in the closet? Can we really be fined two hundy for not putting furniture in the bathroom? Seems to me we'd get fined if we DID put furniture in the bathroom. Might make it hard to do your business, if you know what I mean.
3) everyone Will eat a hearty breakfast. Protein, fiber and limited sugar. Breakfasts must be approved my me by Friday at 10 pm. Don't play aroun with your belly, keep it full, keep it focused. Violation of rule 3 will result in a $300 fine and a lot of toms brand crackers I imagine Aunt Jemima wrote "don't play around with your belly, keep it full, keep it focused." Also, it is important to note that the ONLY reason Eli even knows about Tom's crackers (which are like eating vomit by the way) is because once, on a very delightful trip from Charlotte to Nashville, Eli got very angry. I guess it's safe to say her belly was not full and it was certainly not focused. She refused - REFUSED - to eat her mcdonalds breakfast and instead threw her blanket over her head and began to wail. While she was crying under her blanket like a banshee (really we have absolutely no idea why), I ate both her mcdonalds and my mcdonalds. In a fit of rage at this discovery, she tried to show me by dumping my drink out the window. Only it flew back into her eyes. She was so hungry she couldn't see straight, never mind the tears that wouldn't stop flowing. We stopped at the next rest stop and Mom said she would get Eli a treat from the vending machine. Eli started smiling like a cheshire cat, all happy thinking she was going to get some candy. Except then mom came back with a package of Tom's crackers (because really, why would they have Lance crackers at the rest stop?). And Eli had to eat them. While I laughed and laughed. And discussed how one mcdonalds breakfast is good but two is nothing short of delicious.
4) their will be no texting while drivin or driving like a maniac. If someone threatens to call the bar association, or another "boss" u will nod and keep on driving. Safety of goods is our first priority followed by safety of people. Violation of rule 4 will result in a $400 fine. I am very mature on car rides and have never threatened to call anyone's boss (probably because I am the boss) but if I remember correctly, Lee was almost 32 and Eli was 22 when this very scenario happened. It may or may not have been just a few weeks ago. Plus, txting while driving is illegal in these parts. and none of us support breaking the law. ever.
5) finally, you are expected to act like the grown adult your boss thinks u are. No funny business. If you have an attitude, u will take a walk and be charged $20 per minute of stress or annoyance u have caused. who is the judge of how many minutes I have been annoyed or stressed? I know myself, and I know the others selves in my family and I'm pretty sure I am the one who will be coming home rich on move in day.

This should be a stress free trip and move, if u can't accommodate, DO NOT COME. If you get mad and claim " I have other stuff I could be doing, go do that instead. But do not screw. Up my move. Hek your attitudes at the door. I suggest lee bring a few Hundreds just in case. I think it is important to note that this entire letter can be summed up with this last sentence: I suggest Lee bring a few hundreds just in case.

Good day.

Sent from my iPhone The best part? Eli won't even be there on move in day! She has to work.