Carey and I went to the tanning bed last night to use our Groupons for spray tans. now. If you know me, you know that I love a good spray tan. You know that I firmly believe if you cannot tone it, you should tan it.
If you've never been in one of these, you should probably be made aware that it's like a car wash for your bod. Mystic Tan used to spray you 30 seconds on the front and 30 seconds on the back and you were lucky if you got any spray in your in between areas. These days, Mystic is out and Versa is in (does anyone remember the Real World when they had to run a Mystic Tan booth? I was jealous of them that season). Versa is similar to Mystic except that it does 4 rotations of 10 seconds each and then 4 rotations of cold air to dry you off. No patting your nakey, tan bod down afterward, thus reducing the risk of streaks and splotches. Unless of course, you're Merdeezy.
See, last night, I may have been on drugs. I'm not really sure what my problem was. But I was seriously acting like I had never been in one of these before. Not only did I show up not freshly bathed OR without a full leftover face from work, but I missed one of my rotations. As you are aware, I am hard of hearing in one ear. It just so happens to be the ear that is always next to the speaker. And like a car wash, it's not like this spray tan comes at you silently. It comes at you full force. Like, you know it's happening when it's happening. So anyway. They have this posted hanging on the wall that you can peek at in between sprays, if you dare. Round 1 went well. Round 2 went just as well as round 1 since I didn't exactly move. Round 3 was fine, and round 4 was fine. I think. I'm not exactly sure I did any of the rounds correctly since I couldn't see, couldn't hear and couldn't breathe. By the time I got out of my 1 minute of spray (40 seconds spray, 20 seconds drying), I.was.exhausted.
You would have never known I was a synchronized swimmer in college since I was gasping for air when I fell out of the booth. Holding your breath for TEN seconds whilst standing upright having colored spray shoot at you (this sounds gross) is a lot harder than one would think. I also got nervous because I was still dripping. And I should not have been. My front was full on dripping from excess spray tan. So there, in all my nakey glory, I had a great internal battle. Did I pat myself dry with the provided towel and risk splotches? Or did I just shimmy around in hopes of air drying working at the speed of lightining? So I did what anyone would do in that sitch. I shimmed while patting. Then I put my clothes on, went back out and waited while Carey got her tan on.
The thing about these spray tans though is that you have to play the waiting game. It doesn't usually kick in for a good six hours. I always get so excited to see what I look like when I wake up...
If you think I may have turned out like Ross when he got his front sprayed twice, then you'd be pretty close to correct.
Have you ever tried to be serious when you look like you've been playing in the mud? I bet not. Because most people don't play in the mud before coming to work.