Monday, January 27, 2014

you told me you killed the cook. so i facebooked your dad.

the other day, i was gchatting with my friend Brooke and she asked me how i avoided showing Bill my crazy early on. Avoided? I pondered this word for a moment because I am fairly certain Bill saw my crazy almost immediately into our courtship. No, I'm not talking about the time he helped me move and I sat in the car, crying hysterically on the phone to my mom about what a jerk my brother was being while eating pizza and my brother stood in the tree house laughing at me and calling me crazy and Bill just stood there trying to figure out how he had ended up in this place. no, I'm talking about the time Bill told me he was going to kill the cook at work, and then I ended up looking like a crazy b.

one day - 2 weeks into our relationship to be exact - bill's wallet got stolen at work. he txted me about it when he noticed it was gone, and then txted me an update around 11a that he had found his wallet, the cook had stolen it, and he was going to kill the cook. I didn't think much of it because it was early on in the day and surely he wasn't really going to kill the cook! except the day came and went and i didn't hear anything else from him. Not wanting to freak out, or over react, I sent him a few "are you ok?" txts and tried not to worry. My friend Karoline was coming over for dinner that night so I decided I had plenty to focus on. Except then dinner came and went (we had early dinner so she could go see her now husband) and I didn't hear from Bill. So, I txted my friend Allison and asked her for her thoughts. I told her he had threatened to kill the cook and how I just knew since I hadn't heard from him that he was in jail because he had, in fact, killed the cook and was sitting in jail, charged with murder.

"Have you driven up to Chick Fil A to see if his car is there?" she asked.
"no. Because what if there is crime scene tape every where and then I get questioned by police."
"Do you know where he lives? You could drive by his house and see if his car is there." she suggested.
"I don't know where he lives. He always comes to my house."
"Do you know his parents? You could check in with one of them to see if they have heard from him."
"I don't know his parents...(keep in mind it's only been 3 weeks) but I found his dad on facebook and was thinking about messaging him. Think I should do that?"

Absolutely she replied. Find out if he's heard from him. (I love it when my friends think like me)

So I did. It went something like this:

Hi Mr. Monday! We haven't met, but I have been dating Bill for a few weeks and today he had an incident at work where the cook stole his wallet. He txted me that he was going to kill the cook but that was around 11 this morning, and I Haven't heard anything else from him. If you hear from him, could you let him know I'm getting worried? Thanks, and I look forward to meeting you soon!

And of course, AS SOON as I sent that facebook message, I got an explanatory call from Bill that he had gotten off work and fallen asleep. "So you didn't kill the cook?" I asked. "What? No way I didn't kill the cook. Are you serious?" he replied.


As soon as Bill stopped laughing long enough, he clarified that he had heard me correctly and that I had actually sent his dad a facebook message. Luckily his dad is like my mom in that his passwords for social media are all the same. So he was able to quickly hack into his dad's facebook account and delete the message, thereby allowing me to avoid looking like a total crazy b.

except unbeknownst to us, his dad has some weird back up thing going on with his computer. So about a month later (thankfully I had met the man by this point), his dad responded with "just got this. don't know how i missed it. i trust you found Bill and everything is going well. See you soon."


and then i had to explain to Bill exactly how my brain worked that it made complete logical sense to me because he had said he was going to kill the cook that he must have actually killed the cook and was sitting in jail being charged with murder and that his dad would have to find out from me this horrible news.


  1. Wait a minute. You are bat [bleep] crazy and found a great guy to marry. I am only mildly looney tunes and cannot find even a prospective sugar daddy to hold the door for me! What is going on here!?!?!?! (I am only half kidding!)

  2. Holy. Crap. I never think our conversations sound crazy when they're happening but now that I read how I think....I think I might be an overreacting crazy.