Wednesday, August 18, 2010

It's Time for a SMACKDOWN!

I began really making my mother proud when I began a love affair with wrestling in 6th grade. My best friend Lindsay and I would spend every Friday night with each other. Every Saturday morning, while opening all the cds we had gotten in the mail that week from that BM CD Club, or whatever it was called, we would watch WWE. Our favorite wrestler was Das Wunderkid. I mean, would ya take a look at this hunk of burnin love? Just to show you how much we have in common, I have posted a picture of me as well, showing off my mad wrestling skills. I've always wanted to be a cage fighter but my father has never allowed it. Something about women getting kicked in the reproductive organs is bad and unhealthy? whatever. i know he just doesn't want me to usurp his image as tough and strong.

Not only could this wonder kid effectively pull off the speedo, but he was German, which means he knew how to appreciate fine chocolate. clearly, he was a WONDER KID! Yumm, ich liebe das wunderkid.

In college, I attended my favorite wrestling event ever: leprechaun wrestling, which was really just midges beating the crap out of each other on St. Patrick's Day. It was all fun and games until they started chanting "midgets rule the world" and blowing kisses. To say it was slightly disturbing would be an understatement. Of course, out of this experience born was my not so secret passion for midgets. We all know it ain't a party without the mere mere and it definitely ain't a party without a midge.

Finally, at the ripe old age of 25, I got to attend my first live pro-wrestling event. You want to talk about people watching, hell-o pro wrestling. It was everything good in this world: jorts, mullets, camo, barbed wire tats, wife beaters. In the bathroom, while waiting in line, I was taught the "woo" for Ric Flair, who happened to be retiring for REAL that night. Now, I knew all about Ric Flair because I used to be in love with Nick who ran the Nature section of Boy Scout Camp. I called him Nick Flair, Nature Boy. And yes, he loved it. Said no one had ever called him that before. and contrary to popular belief, he was not my first kiss.
Anyway, after perfecting my woo in the bathroom (seriously, ask me to woo you), we made our way to our seats, only to make friends promptly with the necks sitting next to us who kindly asked "who the hell wears a dress and a coach purse to wrestling?" valid points, not gonna lie. I really got into it. Like, really got into it. Wished I had a posted got into it. Booed with my thumbs down and screamed "you are a loser" got into it. I cheered for all of the wrestlers, but especially for THE HARDY BOYS! they drove me WILD with their long, greasy locks and full suits of tats. Plus, the name was clever. Another thing that drove me wild was the MIDGE who showed up!!! this just further validated my theory on midges.
And, did you know, at the sercy stand, you can purchase an exact replica of the chapionship belt? Now, I admit, I like to purchase unnecessary items, but this is just ridiculous. Where in the world are you ever going to wear this? Clearly this guy felt it was apprope to wear to the WWE event. Now, this is just a hunch, but I'm pretty sure nobody thought by accident that this guy was a former world champion. I know, I shouldn't judge, but it's just a hunch.

Have you ever played that game about Kevin Bacon, where everyone in the world is like 5 people away from him? I got yet another brush with fame only a few days ago when a good friend of mine sat first class next to JEFF HARDY (of THE HARDY BOYS fame!) I asked him to get me his autograph. Jeff was recently kicked out of the WWE for drug abuse or something. I don't know about you, but to me, you have to be pretty scandalous to get kicked out of professional wrestling. I mean, this is a sport (sport? what's a sport?) where you can say whatever you want, whenever you want, you can pull hair, body slam people with chairs, pull moves like "the attitude adjustment" or "double grapes," stand on ropes and beat your chest and holler, beat women, and in the case of the midge wrestling, staple each other with staple guns, or throw mexican midges in trash cans and roll them off the stage. So, obvi getting kicked out of the WWE makes you a real badass. I wanted to share with you this further proof of a real badass in action. I personally can't wait to interlock fingers with THOSE fingers. Was ist das wunderkid?
Ich liebe Jeff Hardy.

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