Wednesday, December 15, 2010

A Guide To Eating.

This morning I decided I have had it with the Chick. I decided to break my diet rules and get a biscuit. I had woken up on the wrong side of the bed and just knew a fresh chick biscuit would put my mind in the right frame. Wrong. Because of a previous experience at the Chick, I always check my biscuit before pulling out the window way. And like too many other mornings, I had to return my biscuit because it had been in the fryer too long. Now, I pay $4.99 at Ellen’s for grits, bacon, two eggs and a biscuit and nothing is ever bad. Yet I pay $4.01 at the Chick for a too fried chicken cutlet and a diet lemonade. This causes heartburn for me. The workers always act like I am the one with the problem when I say “I don’t like the way this chicken looks. It looks like it’s been sitting in the fryer too long.” I’m pretty sure they have a sign that says something about give a weird look to the girl in the red Volvo who sounds like a broken record. My beef (or chicken?) is that if they would just stop frying too long, then I could change my tune. And the weird looks like I’m an alien with antennas growing out my head could cease. At any rate, this morning I suppose the worker could tell I had very hurt feelings because she promptly went to the back, yelled “she needs a biscuit that hasn’t been fried too long” and returned to me one giant, perfectly golden chicken cutlet on soft, buttery biscuit. The perfection of this biscuit could indicate extra jolliness for the season. Or it could be an indicator that they are afraid of the Deeze. Either way, I enjoyed my biscuit.

But, this experience got me thinking. I am a fast food connoisseur. I have had a love affair with practically every fast food restaurant known to man. And like all of the great loves of my life, I have kept a list of the pros and cons of each. and i feel you deserve to hear it.

Burger King: the nuggets are tasty but the bathroom floors are always sticky.
Poppeyes: Typically in the ghetto and the biscuits really aren’t that great. I don't care what anyone says.
Arby’s: while it is a pirate’s favorite restaurant, I once found a hair in my pre-packaged food. If you go here, you should probably stick to the roast beef sandwich with Arby’s sauce and the curly fries. They are delicious. But remember, I did find a hair in my pre-packaged food there once.
Chick Fil A – Christian or not, their prices are jacked and they like to fry chicken in old oil too long. It is important to note however that if the chicken hasn’t been in the fryer too long, then it is the best biscuit you can find.
McDonalds – absolutely nothing bad to say (unless they tell me their milkshake machine is broken and I have to get in a verbal altercation with the worker and tell them that in fact, their machine is not broken. They just don’t want to clean it.). I read an article yesterday that they are putting $5 billion into upfitting their restaurants (what bad economy?) It may or may not be my dream to own a McDonald’s franchise.
Taco Bell – many call it Taco Hell but I call it Taco Fabulous. Nothing makes Mountain Dew taste better than a taco from the Taco Fabulous.
KFC – the mac and cheese could use some work but those mashed potatoes are amazing. And delicious.
Bojangles – I’m pretty sure they put prune juice in their sweet tea (not a problem) and their fries are nothing short of delicious. But you must be wary. The Bo is only good in certain places. Florida doesn’t count.
Wendy’s: I won’t eat much from here but a baked potato with two butters, two sour creams, chives and a side of mini frosty really hits the spot.
In-N-Out Burger: good thing we don’t have them here on the East Coast because I would hit that more than Paris Hilton does drugs. There is a reason why she just had to have an In-N-Out here people.
Hardees – the American dream when it comes to fast food burgers. They beat McDonalds any day but it’s a completely different taste so you really can’t compare them.
Sonic - delicious cheese conies and tots. holy crap they are so good.

as a side note, did you know the formal definition of a connoisseur is "a person who is especially competent to pass critical judgments..." yep. that about sums me up.


  1. You forgot COOK OUT!!! Who doesn't love a $3.99 tray with a foot long, fries, hush puppies, and a HUGE BOOTY sweet tea or for .99 cents more you can get a fancy shake... ;)
    How I miss the cook out... remember when we used to go in the grocery getter and certain people hated my goat noise in public... HIS LOSS!!!