Wednesday, May 9, 2012

oh love, the many colors that you're made of

You know how sometimes a song can speak to you - like really speak to you? And it always happens when you're not expecting it? Like when you're on iTunes and you're just previewing songs and all of a sudden, you're taken back to this place - not a good place, but not a bad place either - and the memories come flooding in? Well, thank you Carrie Underwood for the sucker punch. Her new song "Good in Goodbye" really shook me to my core. I heard it for the first time two days ago, on May 7. It took me a second, sort of jolted me, and I was overcome. Not with sadness. Not with anger. Just overcome. With life. And where I am and how I got here, and who I had to be to become who I am now.

You see, it was five years ago this very week that I took my engagement ring off for the first time. I knew deep down that relationship was over long before we ever got the nerve to cut the cord. But like everything you're in denial about, you have to wrestle with the unknown for a little bit. And that began the hardest, yet most rewarding process I have ever been though. I was forced to learn who I was and what I believed in. I had a decision to make: I could either go through this gracefully and with dignity, or I could choose to let it consume me and become the definition of my life. I chose the former, and I can honestly say that I am a much better person because of it. I learned the true meaning of forgiveness, of self preservation and of hope. And of moving forward.

And then it was two years ago this week that another and I decided to part ways. This guy was the one who showed me I could love again. He taught me about all consuming love, trusting blindly and standing up for myself. I learned how to really put another person's needs before my own in a relationship, and then, I learned all over again how a heart feels when it begins to shatter. I was forced to go back to that place five years ago, where I was confronted with the decision to either forgive and move forward, or stay put and become bitter. I wrote him a letter, thanked him for allowing me to learn how to fall in love again, thanked him for the reminder lesson in forgiveness and I moved forward. Slowly. But surely.

And then this week happened. again. And I've been dealing with some heart stuff that quite honestly, I was hopeful I wouldn't have to deal with another time around. Another ending, but this time to something that I thought for sure wouldn't get to this point. I took all of the knowledge I have gained over the past five years and tried (albeit failing at times) to put it into this relationship. And then I started to lose myself and what I stood for. And I lost sight of what love is supposed to be like, and what I need if I am going to be in relationship with another. Sometimes, too much happens and people get too hurt. The unnecessary pressures (or maybe it's the lack of expectation thereof) become the very things that mold you. And then break you. And once again, I've been forced to return to that place where I am searching my own heart for what I know to be true. I'm being forced to once again stand up for myself and guard my own heart because someone else isn't going to. My heart isn't something that can be jerked around while others discover what they want out of life. Another's own needs and wants cannot come at the expense of my heart.

And that brings me to Carrie. Because of the past five years, I can say that she is right. There really IS good in goodbye. This reminder came at the perfect time as this week began and I have been struggling to remember that. I don't want things to be over, but it's nice to be reminded that good things can come to those who wait, that at some point my tears will turn into joy and eventually, my heartbreak will turn into a love burst. 

As bad as it was, as bad as it hurt
I thank God I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved
Sometimes life leads you down a different road
When you’re holding on to someone that you gotta let go
Someday you’ll see the reason why
Sometimes, yeah sometimes, there’s good in goodbye

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