Monday, March 7, 2011

happy biebsday!

Dear Justin:
Tonight, my big brother posted on my facebook wall the following: "I have Twitter now. It is weird that all your Tweets are to Justin Bieber." It was in this moment, just then, that I realized my love for you is making me...exactly what he said...weird. In an effort to not move on with my affections, but rather, to come to terms with this about myself, I have made a list of exactly how badly I suffer from your fever, what is known as Bieber fever.

1. I will gladly tell anyone and everyone about my ailment. Even strangers. Just a few weeks ago, when I started my new job, a new coworker said he had heard a nasty rumor that I liked you. My reply? "I don't just like him. I love him."
2. I joined Twitter just to tweet you (and Spencer Reid from Criminal Minds but that's beside the point). I remain genuinely offended that 100% of the time I don't get a tweet back.
3. I had surgery and some of my friends brought me a Teen Beat with a poster sized pull out of you inside. And yes, I pulled it out and hung it on my wall. Yes, yes I did.
4. There was a leftover pair of tickets to your movie and a friend of mine said to her boss at the radio station that she knew JUST the girl who would take them. None of my own friends would go with me, so I took the 11 year old daughter of a good friend. Quite honestly, I'm still giddy about that night. I felt like I was 13 again! and I loved you more than ever.
5. I got into an argument with said 11 year old about who should get you and who should get Usher. She reminded me that at 11, she was much closer to your age than I was and I should get a life. Not gonna lie, that truth stung me like a bumble bee.
4. I finally landed a decent date to the movies and I see you, so I had to stop everything and kiss you on the cheek. Everyone who knows me knows how few and far between decent dates are and my love for you gave me the courage to risk the decency of this date. Needless to say, he didn't stick around much longer.
5. A friend of mine was shopping for her kid sized niece and took a picture of a "Future Mrs. Bieber" shirt and txted it to me. She said it wasn't in my size unfortunately. It concerns me that manufacturers think the only people who would actually wear a shirt like this this are the child laborers in their factories.
6. I know that there are 22 of your songs in the jukebox. I also realize that you aren't old enough to even know what a jukebox is.
7. I constantly receive taunting photos of you from my friends whilst at the NBA All-Star game or whoring it up with that Gomez girl. I do not approve of you being alone at a hotel with her but I completely approve of you shopping at Cartier. You clearly know the way to my heart is through gems and if you must practice on someone, at least she's older than you and can teach you a thing or two about older women. I also completely agree with your fraternizing with Kobe. This helps further my case that Kobe is innocent and misunderstood.
8. I have disected every single one of your songs. I know that "First Dance" isn't about a first kiss and that not only did Luda lie, but no one who is 13 drinks a Starbuck every morning.
9. I also know from first hand experience that it isn't wise to ask someone if they are an eenie meanie miney mo lover. Perhaps you should let me take a stab at some song writing on your behalf. I mean shoot, I too just need somebody to love.
10. I spotted your calendar on sale at the Target, put it in my buggy, took a picture of it for my facebook, carried it around the Target and then put it back after deciding I was too old to be spending good money on your calendar from last year.
11. My next birthday will feature paper products with your face printed all over them. My birthday wish is for you to jump out of my birthday cake.
12. I really feel the urge to spend my next paycheck on a pair of high tops and a purple hoodie. Purple has always been my very favorite color ya know.
13. Speaking of your songs, I have a shower playlist that is basically your entire album. The other morning, I stepped out of the shower as the bonus video of Baby was playing. I felt insecure you were staring at me in all my glory so I wrapped up in a towel and shut the computer screen.
14. Lastly, I received an email the other night from the Cougar Club. The subject line read: "are you ready to get online and meet the next young buck?" I literally hit reply and said "yes. but only if his name is Justin Bieber."

WebMD and both couldn't diagnose me. My real life doctor friends just say I'm crazy and need to get a life. But if having a life means I must be cured, then I don't want to live!

Happy Belated Biebsday, honey bear. Remember, when you smile, I smile.


  1. hi, yes, how do i become as hilarious as you are??? seriously. bahaha, thanks for the laugh, mere!

  2. So verklempt you can't even count straight! Boy, you do have it bad! :)