Several years ago, during my first rodeo in these necks, I was a deuchebag. Yes my friends, I was what I love.
Somehow (I know how. I know exactly how), I had gotten entangled with this dude who was quite possibly the epitome of a deuche (oh but he had SUCH a sweet heart). He wasn't the kind of guy who told me what to do (oh, wait, yes he was) or expected me to be a certain way but somehow I got it into my brain that I needed a tan. What wasn't in my brain was how sometimes fake tans just do not look real. And I was convinced I looked GOOD.
Now, I know I have a naturally sunny disposition. I mean, there is only one side of my bed and it is definitely sunny side up. But my skin tone and my disposition don't always see eye to eye. On another note, it really is unfortunate since my favorite line in Will Smith's Welcome to Miami is when he says "I've never seen so many Dominican women with cinnamon tans." So I did what Elaine always did and called my enabler friend. Every day after work, Emily and I would make our way to the tanning bed, then have dinner at Firehouse Subs. I have no idea how we afforded this as we both made less than we do now, and there is no way I'd ever currently pay for a tanning bed subscription AND Firehouse subs every night. McDonalds or Bojangles, sign me up. Firehouse Subs? No thank you. At any rate, as my tan started to glow, so did my deucheyness. I mean, look at the picture here. Front tucker in my designer jeans, polo shirt (I distinctly remember popping the collar but my mom, whom I cut out of this picture because I know she is shamed of how I looked, folded it down), croakies and I'm pretty sure I was wearing boat shoes. Now, I don't have a problem with this outfit in general (actually, if you want to hit on me, please do it wearing designer jeans, croakies and boat shoes and you're pretty much guaranteed to be going home with at least my number), but combined with my glowing skin, and Ross Geller teeth, it's a wonder the Three Six Mafia didn't contact me to help them work dem hoes (not to mention this was about the same time Nelly's Grillz song was out and I was thisclose to make a purchase from my all time fave website. But my gangsterness is for another day).
Thankfully I grew out of my deuchyness and blossomed into the treasure (still sunny side up) I am today. However, I came upon a free tanning coupon the other day so I called Emily, and it's so exciting to be just like the old days. Only this time, we're older so our routine is going to the gym, then going to tan and then going to our homes to find outfits for work the next day. hey, they don't call it the University of New Jersey at Durham for nothing.