Tuesday, September 20, 2011

a kiss with a fist is better than none.

Landon: I might kiss you.
Jamie: I might be bad at it.
Landon: That's not possible.

A Walk To Remember might be my hands down all time fave movie (yes. more than encino man. But unlike encino man, i am insecure about listing this in my Top 5). I mean, I get chill bumps every time I watch this movie. To begin with, the first kiss scene (not pictured) is so sweet. and b. a part of me secretly hopes each time she isn't going to die. I have an old boyfriend who says this movie is the reason why I feel I should have a relationship like the movies. But, like the Avett Brothers say, real life is more than just two hours long (thereby making my old boyfriend's statement false).

However, I will say that it is entirely possible to be bad at kissing. You see, I know good kissing and I know bad kissing. A kissing pro (slut) you might call me. I think it's fair to say I've been around the block when it comes to kissing (sorry mom. But I feel like you already know this about your most precious daughter). I mean, I really enjoy kissing. That first kiss is one of my most favorite parts about dating strangers (though I prefer repeat kisses to first kisses because let's face it, that means they are doing something right). And who doesn't love a good ole' fashioned makeout sesh on the couch or in the backseat of a car? I got schooled in the art that is kissing at the back of the school bus when Jackie whatever her name was taught Zach how to kiss. I was just a watcher at that point but you can bet I took notes. So did he apparently as I learned several years later. Hell-o! I guess you could say it was this school bus classroom that started my career as a kiss consultant. I can tell you the names of the people I have shared the following rules with and the places where I shared them (the glory in keeping your old diary):

1. it would be so romantic if you would just kiss me while i'm in the middle of saying something
2. kiss me like you mean it, dammit!
3. if you kiss me with your eyes open, then it means you're a cheater!
4. stop playing hot potato with my tongue.
5. I'm pretty sure my mom knows you are not training to be a dentist, especially since no dentist inspects their patients' teeth like that! gross!

Alright, first off, kiss me like you mean it, dammit? I was like 16 at this point in my life. Exactly what did I know about kissing like I meant it? How else are you supposed to mean a kiss? I've kissed lots of people I didn't mean to, but I can promise you I have never let them believe it was an accident. And what the eff is hot potato with my tongue? Additionally, I'd like to add that I have had a lot of suitors be happy to kiss me when I'm in the middle of saying something and it only just now occurred to me that it might be because they just want me to shut the hell up. But I digress.

But, like all good consultants experience, I had someone challenge me just this week on my kissing expertise. An old beau txted me (out of the freakin' blue mind you) and let me know that after all these years, he had finally overcome his complex and was a good kisser. Of course, I had no idea what he was talking about. When I inquired, I found out that during our courtship, I gave him a 45 minute lecture (me lecture? no!) on the art of kissing. He informed me that along with my 7 point kissing plan, I "seriously laid out different ways to turn your head and stuff." When I informed him of how this made me laugh, he responded with, "I'm glad it amuses someone. I was confused and terrified that night on your porch." Now first off, why would anyone in their right mind listen to someone yak on and on about kissing? I sure as hell wouldn't. And secondly, I cannot stop laughing at the thought of this poor high school kid being so nervous about kissing me. But, it explains a lot. As a matter of fact, after he got done informing me of what a b I was to date in high school (true story), I told him that while I do not remember this so called kissing list, I do remember what a bad kisser he was. But I must say, I'm so glad to know my tutelage has paid off. Think of all the bad kissers out there I have helped! This fella here is living proof of the fruits of my labor!

And to all you people boys out there who still get sweaty palms over kissing? It's time to pony up and remember what Thomas Carlyle said:

If you are ever in doubt as to whether or not you should kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt.

I know I for one prefer the giving the benefit of the doubt, and I'm not even into kissing women.

1 comment:

  1. Love it! Brings me back to all of my first kisses. First there was Anne whom I kissed while walking home from kindergarten as she ate a cheese sandwich. Lucky for me, I kissed her again while in high school which was a bit more romantic. Holly Reimer tried her best to teach me how to kiss during her senior year in high school while I was a freshman. Her tutoring sessions were probably to advanced for me at my young age and as my parents disapproved of her for a variety of reasons, those sessions did not last long. I kissed Tammi Neimann in the back of my best friend's car during my sophomore year as he drove around trying to find her house. A year later, I kissed my best friend's sister and we ended up dating for 8.5 years (proof to myself that I'm a great kisser). My last first kiss happened a few months after the previous relationship had ended and I'm proud to say that 16 years later, we are still finding new ways to develop our techniques :) Just saying!