Sky Mall

You know that magazine they put in the airplanes, Sky Mall? You know the one that they say to feel free to take with you because they will replace it? I've never taken one with me. But I've taken a gander at them from time to time. After barely making my connection in Newark (damn you, NJ), I was too frazzled to remember to grab my book out of my bag so I had no choice but to browse the sky mall in flight. Except, I found the following things. And I am concerned for America. There's always weird shit on tv but some of this stuff I haven't even seen on tv. So I guess instead of those "as seen on tv" stores, the next big thing is a "as seen in the Sky Mall" store. Seriously though. Who buys this crap?


a visor with hair attached to it! What a great idea! You know, in case you want to surprise your golfing buddies one day with some new hair. And, it even comes in 4 different colors. I don't know any man that doesn't appreciate having options. but the best part about this visor hair is that it provides INSTANT smiles. Hollaaa!


first off, obviously if you can afford to purchase TWO THOUSAND cds, then you must be rich. and it's a good thing because you're gonna need a giant wall for this book shelf. This thing would take up literally an entire side of my house. i think the real issue though is the Disney movies. Are they talking about 456 dvds or 456 VHS tapes? Because the VHS tapes are where it's at. they were huge and really pretty. But let's face it. Other than Beauty and the Beast and Toby Tyler, no one should own 456 Disney movies. And that's coming from the girl who fully supports watching the Disney channel in your free time. Miley Cyrus had to get her start somewhere.


Can we talk about this Buddha for a minute? Not only does he look constipated in the large picture, but in the small picture, he's walking on all fours! How are we supposed to pat his belly if his belly is face down?! And further, why would anyone make Buddha their end table? That's just wrong.


this is perfect for the coming zombie apocalypse. you know, just in case you were curious what a zombie looked like in the quick sand that i know you have in your yard. here's my thing. if i were going to kill a zombie, i probably wouldn't do it in my front yard. once he finally slips all the way through, you still have a dead zombie in your yard. if you have ever spent a hundy on a dying zombie, please raise your hand. because i want to steal your wallet since you clearly have lots more moolah than I do.


garden gnomes are no longer in. skelegnomes are. especially the dinosaur holding the flower basket. i'm pretty sure if you put that next to your steps, everyone would think you were the most creative archaeologist in america because not only did you unearth an entire bone set of live dino, but you put flowers in his mouth to welcome your guests!!


Now. I showed this someone and they said "some people really believe in Big Foot." ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Who number 1 actually believes in Big Foot (besides my brother who sent me an email of his new Netflix delivery: Harry and the Hendersons) but number 2. if you DO believe in Big Foot, why would you have his statue in your yard? It's not like that looks normal to have an ape man straight out of Loch Ness swaggering through your yard. I just feel like there are lots of ways to have your neighbors take you seriously, and this isn't it.

and now for my fave discovery at the Sky Mall.

I would like to attend this clinic. Where do I sign up? I've got a right foot I'd like to put in. Additionally, this is the perfect mate for my Alcatraz Outpatient tshirt.