Sunday, May 8, 2011

a 24 point recap of eli's graduation weekend.

1. Late Wednesday evening, we got word that the cabin we had rented would not be available this weekend after all due to well problems (but I mean seriously, they have a hot tub and some woods and we all prefer bottled water, so this really shouldn't have been a problem).
2. Mom and I frantically searched for available cabins and because I am the family saver, I located a cabin that was available and rented it while on the phone with mom.
3. Mom and dad arrive at the cabin Fri. afternoon and mom calls me (upset) to tell me "this place is in the sticks and so far up the mountain, it is just awful." (my mom is not a mountain woman and is the reason my dad has not done more than build a road on our mountain property).
4. I call mom around 6p Fri. to tell her the Mere Mere is hitting the road. Mom is perkier and in better spirits about the house. Aunt Libby and Uncle Kenny have arrived and I suppose everyone has had a snack and their blood sugar is back up. Life is lookin' good.
5. After sitting in traffic for over an hour, I arrive in Wilkesboro and decide to use the facilities. Dad calls and says to call him when I turn off and he will come down the mountain and meet me. He wants to lead me up the mountain so I don't get scared in the pitch black of night.
6. As soon as I leave McDonalds (where else), I lose cell phone service. I cannot call dad to come lead me up the mountain.
7. I quickly realize the road I am turning on also has a sign for "Ashe County." Now, I dated a [really crazy] boy from Boone and he used to point to this road and say "don't ever go to Ashe County. Everyone down there is crazy and they'll kill you." I really hated it that at this moment, I was heading toward Ashe County with no cell service and the words of my crazy ex echoing in my brain. I mean, Ashe County must be seriously off the chain cray cray if HE called them crazy.
8. My low on gas red light comes on. So, I have no cell service, it's dark by this point, I'm guaranteed going to run out of gas and I'm driving deeper and deeper into Ashe County. All I can think about is that I'm probably going to die on this night.
9. As the road curves and climbs upward, I realize I really am in.the.middle.of.the.woods. All of a sudden, every single Criminal Minds episode I have watched (and that's a lot since I watch between 3-4 episodes per night...yes, someone clearly needs to find a hobby or seven) flashes before my eyes and I realize that I really am going to die on this night. I mean, I was even making mental notes of which houses had lights on so I could make sure I ran out of gas right nearby and could walk to their house for help.
10. My prayer life may have been a bit touch and go as of late, but on this night, all I did was pray that I would make it up the mountain. I figured dad would eventually come down the mountain looking for me but I secretly knew if I did run out of gas, I wasn't going to start walking. I would just lock myself in my trunk. There was no way my kung fu fighting skills were going to protect me against the masses of crazy Ashe County. And clearly the masses were in the wilderness, waiting on a girl like me to show up.
11. I arrive at the bottom of the hill to the house and realize I am going to have to just goose on up. This hill was so steep. And I was in my little race car Volvo. Excellent on flat roads but this little mug had been shaking since I had arrived in Ashe County (no patterns to be noticed here folks). So I lay on the gas and literally soar up this steep mountain to the top, where a small patch has been leveled. Mom is on the porch, crying in relief that I have made it. She calls dad (who had in fact gone to search for me) and tells him I have arrived. He says he is leading Lee up the mountain.
12. This annoys mom and me. Dad wanted to lead ME up the mountain and instead he finds Lee, a freakin' former professional boyscout who should know how to survive in the wilderness if need be. Yet here they come, Dad leading Lee up the mountain.
13. Only, Lee's car gets stuck on the drive way. Yes. It was that steep. Dad and Lee eventually get his car up the hill.
14. Meanwhile, I am eating a bowl of chili and continuing my prayer pleas that nothing else gets out of hand.
15. Please note my blood pressure had been at about boiling since I had left Raleigh and Lee had been calling me non stop to check in on me. By the time Lee and Dad get Lee's car up the mountain, there are 4 of us with quite a bit more than low blood pressure.
16. Please add two more to that number because pretty much as soon as Lee and Dad come in to console mom (who was still weepy) that everyone had arrived in one piece, Uncle Kenny spots a mouse. in the kitchen.
17. Mom and Libby scream, Kenny and Dad laugh, Lee and I just want to eat our chili.
18. At one point, I look over and every body was sitting in the living room with our feet in the air.
19. Mom calls the rental company and proceeds to get into a verbal altercation with them that they are going to have to come get us and take us somewhere else. That we have never lived anywhere with mice and we will not do it on this night. The lady says no one can come tonight but we can drive down the road a little ways and go to another house if we want. Helpful.
20. Dad does a little jig. Mom starts to cry. Again.
21. Lee, the former professional boy scout starts trying to catch the mouse. With a broom. I annoy him by asking him what the plural for mice is. Is it meece? I mean, think about it it. One mouse, two mice, three meece. Makes sense to me. Lee tells me I am dumb.
21. Lee, the former professional boy scout decides he will not sleep in the living room lest the meece get wild at night. So he moves his air mattress into my room where he proceeds to disturb my slumber every time he moves on his air mattress. At one point he says I woke up and yelled at him: Lee, you're going to have to go into the living room because you're being too loud." Although Lee absolutely cannot stand when a woman tells him what to do, he does eventually get up and move to the couch in the living room.
22. The meece don't make an appearance for the rest of the weekend. Today, on the evaluation form left by the rental company, I noticed my mom had been very mature in her answers. When asked if we would be interested in renting again, mom wrote in all caps, "NEVER!" When asked would we recommend this house to others, mom wrote again in all caps, "NO NO NO!"
23. Before we left, I brushed a small crumb onto the floor for our new friend. I'm sure he gets hungry up there in Ashe County.
24. I desperately want to post the video I have from reactions to the mouse discovery, but I am afraid of my mom. And she threatened to kill me. Since I made it out of Ashe County alive, I don't think that's a risk I want to take just yet.

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