Wednesday, May 11, 2011

[if you are easily offended, please do not read this post]

It always makes me nervous when I receive a txt from a friend that says something like the one I received yesterday: I knew you were the friend to send this to because you would appreciate it. Now, I appreciate a great deal of things. I really appreciate special deliveries, flowers and jewelry. I appreciate a delicious meal. I appreciate a nice smelling man, a new book, chivalry and a fresh coat of polish on my toes. I definitely appreciate the finer things in life. And, because I am normal, I also appreciate inappropriateness (anyone who tells you they have never laughed at something inappropriate is a liar). So, because I am so well rounded, I was curious to see what my friend thought she should send to me since I would clearly appreciate it.

She then tells me she is helping this lady organize her house to make some extra cash (which is definitely better than working at Cafe Risque on I-95 like she has always threatened if her degrees don't pay off) and came upon this item "wiggling around in a bin with a bunch of papers." While I love a good tease, I couldn't take the teasing much longer so I was glad when I saw an image pop up on my screen. Only, I can honestly say I was NOT expecting THIS to be the wiggler amongst papers.

So of course I see this and I almost died. My diet dr. pep went up my nostrils and down the wrong tube and it was so worth it. Now, this is curious to me for several reasons. First off, it is nothing like what Samantha showed me on Sex and the City. Additionally, is it tie dyed? I mean, let's be honest here: is this supposed to be realistic? Because I may be naive, but I am pretty sure it is not a fair representation of a man's nether regions. Not one bit. And of course all I can think about (which apparently my friend had the same sentiments since she sent me another txt saying pretty much what I was thinking) is that it looked like a giant gummy worm. And I was immediately reminded of the time my brother convinced me everyone in my family hated me, so I went outside, sat down on the driveway and sang "nobody loves me, everybody hates me, think I'll eat some worms. Fat ones, skinny ones, big ole' juicy worms." Now, had I had this giant gummy worm, I wouldn't have had to sing for much longer because it is fat, it is skinny, and it is big (I'm not even going to get into whether or not it is juicy. eww).

I was also reminded of the time (years ago) some fellow bridesmaids and I threw a sex toy party for a bride as her bach party. At the time, I was mortified we did this, but mainly because I knew my mom would find it inappropriate (she wasn't invited but I knew what she would think anyway). But it was fun. Half the girls thought the party was inappropriate and half thought it was funny. So, you can imagine the dynamic in the room as one sex toy to another was passed around for us to ooh and ahh over. It was similar to what I remember sex ed in 5th grade being like - lots of awkward laughter and squealing. At any rate, because I thought it would be funny to shock some of my friends who thought the party was ridiculous, I purchased a battery operated pink thing. It only had one job: to shock my friends when they came over. So I placed it on the back of the toilet and hosted a dinner party (let's keep in mind that at this point in my life, I was so poor I really only ate hot dogs and couscous, but I apparently scrouged up my pennies when need be for the important stuff). The same friend who found this tie dyed schlong yesterday also was the first to discover ole pinky in my bathroom. She said "What is on the back of your toilet?" and I don't know why I did what I did next. All of a sudden I felt incredibly awkward and dumb so I said "It's [my roommate's]. She uses my garden tub sometimes and she left that in there the last time." My friend was nothing short of entirely disgusted and appalled. My roommate and I still laugh about this and why I felt the need to lie and blame it on her. I had bought the freakin' thing for shock value and then chickened out. I honestly have no idea whatever happened to my purchase after that night. Maybe my roommate stole it?

I told my friend about the time I went to New Orleans to do Katrina relief work. For each house we gutted, we made 3 piles: white goods, trash and salvageables. Most of you know of the devastation and destruction Katrina caused. Oddly enough, while practically EVERYTHING in the houses we gutted had to go into either the white goods or trash piles, we did find lots of nudey pics and lingerie that had survived the storm. Most of the people on my team wanted to put these items in the trash pile but I insisted they go in the salvegables. My reasoning? If I had lost everything, I would want to know my nekkid pics were not in the dump somewhere for a stranger to look at. I told my friend that a tie dyed wiggler would most certainly have not only survived a storm, but it would have made it into the salvageables pile in my book. My friend said she was putting it back in the box and pretending like she never saw it. I said it belonged in the "go through" pile because the lady might pay her more once she realized what my friend had found.

I don't think she took my advice. Which is a shame but what is not a shame is the fact that this one piece of hippie love brought me lots of happiness yesterday.

No comments:

Post a Comment