Not only are you a really great brother, the official mover of my belongings and the rescuer of Pete, but it’s also your birthday (and Friday the 13th). According to Facebook, it’s also your nephew Pete’s birthday. How precious that you share the same day. Although Friday the 13th is generally considered to be an unlucky day, I want you to know that today is actually your very lucky day. As I sit here in this paralegal conference, listening to the ethics of blogging (clearly they haven’t read your blog) and other forms of social media (yes, you CAN have too many friends), I am reminded of a few things over the course of our life together that I’m pretty sure were and still are unethical. And I am here to once again tell you what to do and suggest you change your ways. I may not be able to help Kirby, but I know I can help you.
1. Don’t lie to your sister. Especially since she’s the boss of you. I grew up believing I was brought home as a souvenir from a safari trip to Africa that mom and dad never really took. I was convinced my high school reputation was set before I ever arrived because my older (and cool) brother was Lee and he was a junior. I honestly believed I was a hot tamale rolling up in your 1989 blue t-top Camaro with giant Chevrolet emblem on the back window (little did I know this, coupled with your BEEPER made you a real neck). What a surprise I had in store for me on that first day of high school. You had failed to tell me how being related to you would only be a detriment to my status because you had threatened to sue each person who had crossed you. Had you really followed through on your big talks, you would be the only person I know entangled in over 17,000 law suits before you reached 30 (it doesn’t take much to get sued by you apparently).
2. Don’t try to get to mom first to tattle on your sister. Just accept the fact that she will get to mom first. In college, I was given custody of our joint gas card. I remember one morning in particular where you were doing what you do best – over reacting and generally going biserk for no reason and by 7am, you had called my cell phone, and probably my roommate’s, no less than 57 times. You needed gas and by golly I better give you the gas card. Now, I knew what would happen. You would come pick up the card and disappear. For days. And then I would be stuck (you still have a habit of screening my calls. I find it rude) without gas in my car, no gas card to get gas in my car, and the wrath of mom and dad asking me why, why, why I couldn’t just listen and not let you have the gas card unsupervised (you’re still the only person I know who has actually put over 100,000 miles on a car in 6 months. We still don’t know where you actually drove). So I did the responsible thing and offered to go with you to get gas. Of course one thing led to another, you went biserk again and the next thing I knew, I was running across the Meredith College campus, towel on my head screaming “you’re an asshole” all the while trying to reach mom first to tattle. I was late to class that day, but I won the war with you. I got to mom first, told her how awful you were, assured her I never gave you the gas card, and didn’t speak to you for about a day.
3. Don’t let your sister down. One fine Friday, I was going to drive from Raleigh to Winston to meet my boyfriend halfway for dinner. You wanted to come and said you would meet Homer at the mall. I picked you up (because why would you drive? You didn’t have any gas in your car) and you immediately said “oh we have to stop in Chapel Hill and get Jeremy. He wants to come too.” So we drive to Chapel Hill. I asked you where Jeremy lived. You said you didn’t know. I said can you call him? You said he doesn’t have a cell phone. Now, you can imagine how very angry this made me. Who in the eff doesn’t have a cell phone? You call and call his HOUSE phone to no avail. So we drive around Chapel Hill, hoping when you see the street you’ll recognize it and I am getting madder and madder with each street we pass. So I did what anyone would do. I told you to get out of the car. It’s not my fault you actually did it. It’s also not my fault I drove off, leaving you stranded in Chapel Hill. It’s also not my fault that your cell phone died and you had to borrow money from someone to use the pay phone. Since your cell phone was dead, I absolutely knew I would reach mom to tattle first and convince her to be angry with you. When your phone finally turned back on, you called to tattle I had left you in Chapel Hill. She told you that you had let me down and she was so disappointed in you. I actually don’t know how you ever found Jeremy or got back to Raleigh. But I happened upon Homer at the mall and told him what happened. He called your dead cell phone and left you the greatest voice mail I have ever heard: “roses are red, violets are blue. Your sister came to Winston and daggum left you.” I think many people that day learned a valuable lesson: don’t get out of my car when I tell you to. And do not EVER let me down. Shame on you.
4. Stop getting kicked off EBay. On more than one occasion, I have received an email from EBay saying my account was being closed due to fraudulent activity. Whenever I have asked you about it, you have nonchalantly (and I do mean you flat out haven’t care) said that yes, you’ve been kicked off EBay again (and I in turn because we both list the same address on our accounts). Only this time it’s been because you sent the wrong things to the wrong people and wouldn’t accept returns. As opposed to the last time when you sold a bunch of patches and charged 48 bucks in shipping. Or the time you incorrectly described your items and wouldn’t accept returns. Things like this make it hard for me to be taken seriously as a wholesaler of all things I have previously owned.
I hope you have a good birthdizzy celebrating all the things that make you you. Since I’m not there to celebrate with you, I’m going to do everything in honor of you today. I have on my best wind pants, I had breakfast at Bojangles and I’ll have dinner at the Cracker Barrel (and yes, I will sit in smoking and loudly discuss those who choose to smoke during their meal). Oh, and you can bet I haven’t paid a lick of attention to this ethics presentation.