Tuesday, May 10, 2011

cat lady conundrum

When I lived in FL, it seemed there was a plethora of pet groomers. Perhaps it was because a lot of old people lived nearby and it was somewhat of a resort town. I mean, there were resorts there. I do not know but I loved having access to so many people to treat Pete to his florido (pronounced like hairdo, but spelled similar to Florida, ya know, since we lived in Florida and all). We're not talking Mr. Bigglesworth here, we're simply talking a nice fresh lion cut to make Pete feel good about himself as the seasons came and went. The lady who groomed Pete was great. She was in a strip mall in between a Chinese restaurant and a fish place and all it said was "pet grooming" on the sign. She had pet monkeys (yes, like on my monkey baby) and I loved being able to pat their bellies when I dropped my boy off. Whenever Pete gets a fresh groom, he feels a bit insecure but typically starts feeling pretty after several compliments of telling him how beautiful he is. At any rate, I know two things: we no longer live in FL and it is definitely time for a new do for the boy.

What I do not know is how the events of today transpired. I called what I thought was a mobile pet groomer. The website had good reviews and I figured it would be a good idea to have them come to me since Pete doesn't travel well and I'm out of tranquilizers. The owner of the number I called didn't pick up, so I left her a voice mail. In my message, I said "I am not sure you are the right person so if this isn't the right number, I apologize and please disregard." I mean, all her voice mail greeting said was her name, which I found a little odd since the number was affiliated with a business, but then again she is a pet groomer so how do I not know she's not like a painter. Now, let's just preface this with the fact that if I were to get a voice mail like the one I left her, I wouldn't call back if it were the wrong number. I would just.let.it.go. But, because I am the Deeze and find myself in pickles more often than not, this of course is not the case with the crazy I accidentally called. The chick calls me back, tells me who she is and asks did I call her. Well, hmm. I call a lot of people during the day so I said probably. What was it about? The next thing that happens, well actually the next few, completely BLOW my mind. She started SCREAMING at me that she does NOT groom cats and she didn't know if this was some sort of joke, but there was something illegal going on with her phone and I need to disregard any website I see with her number. Now, this is all well and good but I was still trying to grapple with the fact that I was being screamed at by some girl whom I had told to disregard my message if she wasn't the right person. I mean, talk about someone who clearly does not want to be mistaken for a cat lady. So I apologize and we hang up.

FIVE MINUTES LATER, she calls me back and tells me her phone is being tapped and I am being recorded. Umm, ok? Like what am I supposed to do with this information? I'm not even sure she can tap my phone and record our convo but if she can, well, she shouldn't have tapped that because our conversation was less than interesting. She wants to know what website I got her number off of. So I tell her. Then she starts screaming at me again that something illegal is going on with her number and she doesn't know if I have anything to do with it but I need to never call her again. Ever. Then tells me again I am being recorded on her tapped number. Alright, alright. I GET IT WOMAN. What I don't get is why a) if she gets pranked a lot, she doesn't change her number and 2) if she is involved in something illegal, why does she tell people her phone is being tapped? Isn't that supposed to be a secret? So we hang up. And then it occurs to me that maybe I called the wrong number. So I look up the website and yes, I had transposed some numbers. Oops. I mean, I never claimed to not have some sort of dyslexia but if I get served because of this crazy ass chick, you can bet I am claiming I do. She called again but I didn't answer. What was she going to say this time? I feel as though I'm being harassed.

At any rate, I won't be calling her number again. Ever. And I guess Pete won't be getting his flori-do any time soon. I guess these days you don't have to have a cat to make you cray cray. Not gonna lie. This whole thing makes me feel better about my own mental stability.

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